Ashamed.

After having this post saved as a draft for a couple of days, I'm finally ready to share...

As you all know, I come here to share my truest, inner-most thoughts and feelings.  And while dealing with infertility has been, by far, the biggest and most difficult obstacle for me thus far in my life, and while yes, it has brought upon terribly painful moments of heartache, a part of me feels.... ashamed.

I try not to think about the feelings of others as I write (many times mindlessly) on my blog - I want to be able to share freely and without hesitation, the details of my journey.  As mentioned before, I'm writing here for me.  Purging my inner-most thoughts and feelings on Two Hearts and One Dream has been somewhat therapeutic.  But (very) recently, I started to reflect on some of my writing, thoughts and feelings...

And the truth is, that one of the most difficult things in all of this has been the inner battle that I've fought with myself... about my inner-most thoughts and feelings (that I've so freely shared here on my blog).  It's been going on for the past year and a half, but most recently this personal struggle has made me feel suffocated.  Almost as if infertility has taken some of "me" away from me.  I had always thought of myself (and hope that others think/thought of me in this way, too) as being a kind, caring, giving, and thoughtful person who much preferred to put others before myself.  Someone who truly loves to give.  Today though, I worry that I'm allowing my pain and my hurt to supercede everything that's made me a "good" person.

In my research and in both talking and writing to many other women who have experienced infertility, I do know that this is normal.  I know that what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking is all relative to what's happening in my life.  I know that others who have endured infertility have felt just how I feel.  I know, deep down, that I'm not a bad person.  But I want to put it out there, that while it might be easy for me to come here and type mindlessly about my pain and heartache - because those feelings are real and they are true - that in doing so, I may not always paint the prettiest picture of myself.  I've written from the depths of my heart.  But within the depths of my heart, there's a lot of pain and heartache.  A lot of worry and fear.  And a lot of envy and jealousy.  And for that, I'm sorry.  I feel a lot of sorrow and remorse for what and how infertility has made me feel.  I struggle with it, every day, on such a deep level.

So, in saying all that, I'm not looking for anyone to tell me that they know I'm still a good person.  God's the true decision-maker on that.  But, recently I've beeing praying a lot for forgiveness, for feeling like a bad person who has thoughts of envy and jealousy.  And I've also been praying for the strength to allow myself to genuinely be happy for someone else and to rejoice in others' miracles - even though I'm still waiting for mine.  Because that is the kind of person that I want to be.  I don't want my misfortunes to become and to define who I am.  Though it's true that I'm a glass half empty type of girl and while right now infertility is a lot of who I am, I don't want it to overshadow the girl who prefers to put others first.