Deja vu and an update...

I've been in a bit of a funk the past few days.  While I'm happy (I tried to think of a word that adequately describes how I feel - "happy" probably isn't the right word since I rarely am truly happy - about anything - these days, but "happy" will have to do for this sentence) that we have a plan and know what next steps we will be taking as we continue to battle our struggle with infertility, it's all just starting to feel too much like "we've already been there, we've already done that".  You see, almost one year ago to the day is when we met with our RE for the very first time (November 16th, 2011).  And here we are... in the same place... Literally. 

The nurse from my RE's office called this afternoon to let me know that it looks like I need to have blood drawn and tested for infectious diseases... again.  I distinctly remember having oh, about a dozen vials of blood drawn last year - on November 16th, 2011 - and now I'm reminded that almost exactly one year later, here I am... again.  I understand insurance protocols and the need for all of this to be tested again.  I get it.  I mean, I'll have a dozen vials of blood drawn daily if it means my insurance will cover multiple cycles of IVF, but, it's just a slap in the face.  The harsh reality of what we've been through in a matter of one year (two years total) washed over me today - it was like someone dumped a bucket of ice cold water on top of my head.  I can't believe, almost one year later, I'm not even pregnant.  I can't believe that I'm preparing for another cycle of IVF.  IVF has now become the most unexciting thing ever (to me).  I know what a month of IVF entails now.  And I wish I didn't.  I wish I had the same excitement about starting IVF that I had back in April, 2011.  I wish I had the feeling that it was going to work.  That it had to work.  But I don't.  IVF doesn't guarantee a baby.  Heck, IVF doesn't guarantee seven babies (the number of embryos I've had transferred).  As far as I'm concerned, at this point in my journey, the only things that IVF guarantees are a bruised stomach, a month of insanity and a crushed spirit.  But, I keep doing it because what else am I going to do?  I can't give up.  I need to keep fighting for my family.

Nothing else is as important to me than my (hopefully future) family.  I am 100% committed to plugging away at whatever needs to be done to become pregnant - no matter how depressed it makes me feel.  I truly believe that I deserve to be pregnant just as much as the gal on the mat next to me at my Barre workout class the other night (seriously, the girl next to me at my workout class was about six months pregnant.  As I've said many times before, I can't get away from it - pregnancy literally surrounds me - oh, and that girl... she's pregnant with her second child.  Just thought I'd throw that one out there).  My life right now is entirely consumed by infertility.  My thoughts while I'm awake and my dreams while I'm sleeping - consumed by that horrible "I" word.  Sadly, everything (and everyone) else has just taken the backseat in my life right now.  My future miracle baby is front and center on my mind.  I'm not sure where this energy and "umph" came from (actually, I do...  Thanks God!) - but I feel (kinda.sorta.alittlebit) strong (watch, I'm probably jinxing myself.  Don't blame me if I have a post up tomorrow wallowing in my depression from my infertility saga!).  As much as infertility has weakened me, I know that I cannot give up.  I won't let anything or anyone stand in my way of becoming a mother.

Infertility journey update:  I had my sonohysterogram (SHG) and endometrial biopsy done (um, can you say ooouuuuuuch?!?!) and I was beyond thankful to have my mom there with me.  The SHG was fine - I felt some cramping while the technician inserted the saline, but all in all, it wasn't too bad.  The endometrial biopsy though... man, did that one hurt!  I wasn't really expecting to feel much of anything (but boy was I wrong!).  A year ago when I had the HSG done, I didn't feel a thing.  I've read on lots of blogs and posts from infertility forums that many women were in a lot of pain from the HSG so I just figured I had a high pain tolerance... I guess not, though!  During the biopsy, I must have looked a little squeamish becuase the medical technician looked at me and mouthed "are you okay?" - I felt funny saying "No!  This is not fun, you can stop now.  I'm in pain.  OWWWW!!!", so I just nodded my head to let her know I was okay and then I just tightly closed my eyes until it was over.  The procedure only took about 30 seconds but it felt like an eternity!  I should have the results from the biopsy in the next couple of days - the piece of lining that they took out needs to be sent up to a lab for testing.  My doctor was able to let me know right then and there the results of my SHG and everything looks fine.  I don't appear to have any inflammation, polyps, etc. in my uterus.  As far as my doctor can tell, it's totally clear.  Which is great news.  But, a part of me sort of wishes that something stood out to my doctor.  Something that, with some sort of quick procedure, I'd be good to go.  Something that we'd be able to say "THIS is why I haven't gotten pregnant!" - but, I guess I really do just have some sh&*%y eggs!

I'm sort of at a loss on how to end this blog post, so I'm just going to call it quits here.  A tout a l'heure!