Tuesday, November 27, 2012


I'm sad today.  Very sad.  A lot of "baby" things have been happening to people all around me lately - colleagues at work, family, friends, etc., etc., etc.  And you know what?  I want to ignore it all.  I want to run away and not have to be faced with any of it.  And yes, I know that's immature and not possible, but it's how I feel.  It's the truth.

Over the weekend, my husband and I went to a family birthday party and I literally spent the entire night dodging people.  I'm sick of being somewhere and being greeted by others with a hug and a blatantly obvious stare at my stomach.  Worse is being greeted by someone who has the gall to ask "any baaaaaabies?!?!".  Both of which happen to me - frequently.  Those awkward and hurtful enounters are bad enough, but then, having to be somewhere with the utmost angst that another family member or friend is going to announce that their family is expanding, nearly leaves me remembering why I don't like to leave my house these days.

After we arrived home from the birthday party, I told my husband that I'm exhausted from my own emotions.  I feel a little bit of pain in my heart with every breath I take.  The amount of energy that it takes for me to just get through one day seems insurmountable.  Couple that with another pregnancy announcement, birth of a baby or an e-mail from a co-worker announcing that her maternity leave will officially begin today, and that's when I feel crippled from my hurt.  And while I know this is probably the most selfish thing I could ever say write... right now, I just can't feel happy them.  All of my emotion is already being used up - by my own heartache, pain, worry and fear.

I know that I can't go through every day with these awful feelings and with all of this pain.  I know that this is not healthy.  And I know that there are much worse things that I could be dealing with.  But right now I'm too exhausted to try to do anything differently.  A lot of women who have suffered through infertility will say that there are times during their journey of trying to get pregnant that they experienced really dark days, that certain periods of time during their journey were the darkest days of their lives.  The entire journey of dealing with infertility is difficult - and anyone who has experienced it knows that.  But it's true - that some days you do actually feel 'OK', and then there are days that you just feel like you can't move, not even a half step forward - because that's how crippling the pain is - infertility is not fair and it's very scary.  So maybe I'm just going through one of those really dark parts in my journey...

Regardless, I hope it ends soon.  I'm tired of being sad.


Mel said...

I wish we could both hide out together and not have to be around any of this. I've gone through some really dark dark days, so I know exactly how you feel.

Erika said...

I totally relate to you, girl. I hate feeling so negative and unenthusiastic toward other peoples' good news and happy, perfect lives, but...it is what it is. Don't feel guilty for avoiding all of that stuff (whether it's Facebook or family events or PEOPLE IN GENERAL, gah...) when you know you can't emotionally handle it. Infertility requires an inner strength that outsiders will never understand, it seems.

A said...

For the past 2 or so years I have avoided all possible events and have basically isolated myself. I just can't handle being around people and the questions they ask. I also have a very hard time feeling truly happy for others. I would never wish IF on anyone but it's very hard to feel happy for them. I hate feeling this way.

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