Monday, November 19, 2012

Life's Not Fair

I remember when I was young, I would sometimes respond to my parents after being told "no" to something I asked for or to do (i.e. can I go to so and so's house? or, "can so and so sleepover tonight?", or "can you take me to the mall?", etc.) with "but it's not faaaaaaaaaairrrrrrr!".  My parents would then respond to my brattiness by saying "life's not fair!".  I would then surely storm up the stairs, loudly close (this way I could say I didn't slam it!) my door and proceed to sulk and pout until I forgot what I had asked for or to do in the first place.

Well, mom and dad.... Boy were you ever right!  Life Is NOT Fair!  Now, I know that a lot of people out there have it much worse than me.  A lot of people are dealing with issues and problems that for sure trump my heartache over infertility.  But, everything is relative.  For me, right now, infertility is the biggest, most difficult, and emotionally draining thing in my life.  And it is not fair that I (or that any of you, my fellow infertility friends) was picked as someone who has to deal with it and with all of the horrible things that come along with it - it straight out sucks.  Big time.

Last night I was watching MTV's The Challenge (I will forever be a Real World/Road Rules fan!) and as there always is on MTV, a commerical came on for Teen Mom 2.  My heart sank as I watched a preview for one of the teen moms talking to someone on the phone saying something along the lines of failing her drug test (she may have even threw an "again" in there as well - ugh).  I just couldn't help but think to myself how horrible every single thing about that is... First, MTV for even airing a show like that - don't they know how many people they are torturing?  People like me, who are dealing with infertility every day.  It just made me so angry.  I've never been a fan, or have even ever watched a single episode of that show.  And when one of the teen moms is on the cover of US Weekly, I can barely stand to flip through the magazine that I subscribe to (a guilty pleasure!) because my heartache from infertility runs that deep.

Anyway, I've struggled over the past few days to come here and find something worthwhile to write about.  I feel like I'm currently stuck in a really dark place.  The entire infertility journey in general, I think, puts you in a dark place - but for some reason, I've just felt especially low these days.  Maybe it's because I'm currently not doing anything (well, I've been researching the heck out of different protocols, have been trying to learn anything and everything I can about CCRM and have been going over (and over again) my prior IVF cycles' LH, estradiol, and follicle growth results) with regard to treatment - and I'm in a waiting game for my next cycle to start.  Whatever it is though, I just feel at a loss for words to even begin to describe my sadness.  Thus, my hesitance to come here and share anything at all... 

I've been thinking so much about the Thanksgiving holiday that's upon us... And I know that I have an abundance of things (and people) to be thankful for in my life... but, I just feel like being thankful is something that is really difficult for me this year.  So, if I'm absent from the blogosphere for a little while, you know why.  I'm trying very hard to gain my composure and fight through this excruciatingly difficult time in my journey of infertility.  And rather than come here with nothing but negativity to express (I think I've gotten the point across to all of you that I'm miserable), I'm going to try to muster up all of the hope and faith that I can find within so that I can find a way to drag myself out of this dark, dark hole...

Anyway... it's not fair.  Life is not fair.  Infertility is not fair. 


Angie said...

Aubrey, I hope you'll start feeling better as soon as your next cycle starts up! Waiting between cycles is the WORST because you feel so darn helpless.

A said...

It really is not fair.
Logically, I know I have people and things to be thankful for but it's very hard with this crushing pain of IF.

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