Tuesday, December 30, 2014

A, B, and 3

I know it has been months since I last posted.  That wasn't intentional, really, it wasn't.  I just - - - have been busy.  And I feel so silly for even writing or saying that because, everyone's busy.  Especially this time of year.  My busyness is a good thing.  It's something I longed for and prayed for... and I sometimes feel like I have to pinch myself because I just still can't believe that this - - - this is my life.

Back in November, we had the boys' Baptism.  It was a wonderful day.  The boys fulfilled a dream of mine and wore gowns that my aunt graciously offered to make out of my wedding gown.  On the drive to the church, I mentioned to Nick how I wasn't feeling so well - the excitement of the day ahead had gotten to my belly. 

A couple of weeks later, we finally moved into our new house.  I had major anxiety over this.  I had gotten so used to the extra four hands that were those of my parents.  After spending three months living with my mom and dad, I suddenly felt nervous about whether or not Nick and I could do it without them (blame it on the new mom guilt!).  Before we moved into our new house (only two weeks ago), we had some work done on the interior - we had mostly all of the rooms painted, and had new carpet installed in the bedrooms.  During this time, that unsettled feeling in my belly that I felt on the boys' Baptism day hadn't really dissipated. 

One night, I received a private Facebook message from a high school friend.  We haven't seen each other more than maybe a handful of times since we graduated high school 14 years ago, but have always been connected through social media.  In one of her messages to me, she mentioned how her sister, who has twin daughters, found out she was pregnant with her third daughter only 8 weeks after her twins were born.  It was that message that made me think about the unsettled feeling in my belly that I couldn't quite shake.  And then I thought about the last period I had and how it was just... well, funny.  It wasn't 'normal', but was more like a week of constant spotting.  A week where I was convinced it'd arrive any day.  But it never did.  And I honestly didn't think much of it, given I had just had the boys only 6 months ago.  Surely it takes some time for things to get back on track, right? 

Well... I decided to pick up a pregnancy test on the off-chance that I would be a medical mystery.  I didn't even tell Nick.  I was so sure it wouldn't be positive, because, it never had been in the past (except that one time).  One of the best RE's in the country told me that I really didn't even have a chance at all of becoming pregnant with my own eggs the old fashioned way... That I only had a 25% chance of conceiving at all, and that was with IVF.  A chance I'm so glad we took. 

At this point, I'm sure you can tell where this is going, and what that pregnancy test showed... two lines.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

So.  Yes.  I'm pregnant (!!!!!!!).  And no, I still can't believe it.  And yes, it's a blessing.  A miracle.  A total, complete miracle.  One that I never, ever, in a million, trillion, quadrillion years, would have thought would happen to me.  I mean, I already had thoughts of returning to Colorado sometime after the boys' first birthday for a potential FET.  

Along with all of my excitement for this completely unexpected news, also comes the hard stuff.  First up: sharing this news here.  I have to be honest and tell you that a part of me feels like 'why me and not her?'.  I already have my two miracles, whom I waited so long for.  My heart aches for those of you who are still waiting, and now, it seems to ache even more.  I feel as I though I should have told some of you already... But I just couldn't.  I have become a horrible post-infertility friend.  One of my biggest hopes is for all of you to have an ending to your story that's as happy as mine.  Second: I'm sick.  Again.  It wasn't fun the first time and it's not fun this time, either.  It might be less fun this time, if I'm being honest!  Along with the nausea comes the overwhelming feeling of 'am I a bad mom?'.  Some days I'm so sick that I have to put both boys in their exersaucers that are facing Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood on the TV, which we sometimes have on repeat- just so I can run to the bathroom to heave... Over and over again.  Also, those ideas and dreams of puréeing my boys' solid foods from organic fruits and veggies?  Ha.  Out the window.  At least Gerber sells an organic variety.  Third: and then there's work.  Ugh.  A full-time, high-stress job, plus being a mama of two, soon-to-be three is just tough.  It was tough the day I returned from maternity leave, and it hasn't gotten much easier.  And then there's the worst thing.  By far, the worst thing.  Fourth: after having my initial doctor's appointment, I had the normal panel of blood drawn and tested.  Expecting everything to be fine, I was shocked when I got a call from my doctor.  Apparently, I have elevated Kell antibodies.  Go ahead and Google it- there's not a whole heck of a lot about this out there... It's extremely rare.  My doctor said I could thank my husband for it, but I told him there's no way... At CCRM we were both tested for antibodies and we were both negative for everything.  It was then when my doctor asked me if I had ever had a blood transfusion - I did.  Two - after hemorrhaging severely almost immediately after I delivered the boys.  Apparently that's the reason I developed these elevated antibodies.  I now will be seen by an MFM throughout my pregnancy.  My first meeting with the high risk doctor is next Friday.  From what I understand, this could be bad for the baby and potentially may mean several intra-uterine blood transfusions.  Oh, and also- my doctor has already warned me of pre-term delivery.  Gulp.  My heart sank when I heard that.  I JUST went through that with the boys.  It was horrible... And I was one of the lucky ones.  We only endured 17 and 22 days in the NICU.  We had healthy babies, who really just needed monitored time while learning to breathe on their own, and how to eat.  I know it can be much, much worse than that.  And that scares me.  And speaking about what scares me?  My own health.  To say I delivered the boys in the most unnatural way, would be an understatement.  And then, I essentially had every complication you could have post-delivery.  It wasn't easy, that's for sure.  And for quite a few days after having the babies, I was scared... Not for theirs, but for my own life.

I'm counting every day that's given to me as a miracle, a true blessing.  This baby #3 has shocked us to our core.  A shock in the most wonderful of ways.  My family and I believe wholeheartedly that God is looking down from above, telling me to never, ever, doubt him again.  For He works miracles.  And as of tonight- I have proof of three.

I promise to try and update as much as possible.  Please know that, while I am definitely posting less, and commenting more sporadically, I am still here!  I am reading your updates and you are all never far from my mind!  XO
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