Friday, April 13, 2012

Have A Little Faith In Me

For whatever reason, at the point in my infertility journey when I began seeing an RE, I was drawn to this song.  Since then, I've downloaded it to my iTunes and will randomly listen to it - I'm not sure why but it somehow, almost heals me a little bit.  It takes away some of the pain and hurt.  It makes my eyes well up in tears and it truly gives me a little bit of hope and faith.

I had a doctor's appointment this morning (2 follies on the left and 3 on the right) and was a little worried about my progress so far with taking the FSH injections (my biggest fear right now is that I'll have no eggs after my retrieval).  I tried not to think too much about it as I made my trek into work and kept telling myself over and over that I just have to wait for my doctor to call me this afternoon with the updated "plan".  I called my husband to report back with the details about my appointment.  We hung up, I changed the radio station and my song was  Honestly, other than hearing this version of this song on Look Who's Talking Now, I've only ever heard it on You Tube via my laptop or from my iTunes.  I thanked God, clenched my "faith" necklace, turned up the volume, sang along and then called my husband back and told him that today I have a little more faith and I believe that God wants me to be a Mom.

My beautiful Valentine's Day flowers from my husband and Belle
When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, I will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith in me


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

It's Our Turn Next...

That's what my husband told me today when I called him in tears that I found out that yet another person in my life is pregnant.

It's devastating.  And it makes me feel like a horrible person.  While I truly am excited for this person, I'm heartbroken and devastated for me.  It makes what I'm going through worse (if that's even possible) and it just makes me feel really bad for myself.  It's hard to put my exact feelings into words.  My eyes well up in tears before I can even get the words about how I'm feeling out of my mouth.  It's the lump in your throat type of feeling.  And it's a lump that just won't go away.

Of course I'm in the midst of my IVF cycle, and as if all of this infertility "stuff" isn't emotional enough, I'm jacked up on hormones right now.  My last IUI cycle with injectibles had me on a dosage of 150 units at the highest.  For this cycle, I took 300 units (DOUBLE!!) for three nights and then dropped to 225 units for the fourth night.  After my doctor's appt. today, I learned that there's "not much activity".  Therefore, my doctor is increasing my dose to 450 units for the next three nights!  Needless to say, I'm a hormonal basketcase.

Back to the doctor on Friday.  Hopefully then I'll have more information and a better understanding of when my egg retrieval will be.  In need of lots of baby dust right now!

Aubrey Blair
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