Monday, November 12, 2012

Since Then and Good (??) News

It's crazy to think that it has been three weeks to the day since we learned "secret cycle" IVF #3 failed.  Three weeks ago today, my world literally fell apart around me.  Three weeks ago today, I was an inconsolable mess and couldn't imagine being able to see beyond all of the pain that was inflicted upon me in a matter of seconds.  But, I made it.  I made it through twenty-one days of sadness.  Each day hasn't gotten better - I've mentioned before that the pain is actually worse with each passing day that I'm not pregnant - but, each day I do feel like I have a little more hope than I had the day before.  And that, I truly believe is a blessing.

We had planned to head to CT to visit my parents the weekend after my BETA test - in hopes of celebrating some miraculously good news with my mom and dad.  Sadly, that obviously wasn't the case.  We felt so hurt that we thought about just not going altogether - but, ultimately decided that getting away was precisely what we needed.  We both took that Friday off from work and drove down on Thursday evening.  It turned out to be a nice weekend for us to clear our minds and to have someone take care of Belle (and us!).  While in CT, we went for a nice "hike" (if you could even call it that...!)/walk on a "mountain"/trail in my parents' neighboring town.  We enjoyed eachother's company and talked a lot about our future... with or without children (please God, let us be able to follow our "with children" future plans!).

We headed back to Boston on Saturday and enjoyed a fall evening that included lounging on the couch, catching up on our DVR'ed shows from the week, snuggling with Belle and drinking delicious pumpkin beer with a cinnamon/brown sugar rim (and me, quickly passing out from both the beer and the exhaustion of still feeling so sad). 

Since then, we've had our first snow storm of the season (any evidence has quickly melted as we are currently enjoying weather of 70 degrees today!  Only in New England!!) and I've kept myself busy with some baking.  I made Erin's banana bread muffins for my father in-law who has been doing some work on our house.  I also made these delicious cupcakes for my nephew's sixth birthday party this weekend.  Delicious.
As you can see, life has moved on since that horrible day three weeks ago.  A part of me is so thankful for that, but another part of me is still there, stuck in the moment of that day, when I learned I wasn't pregnant (again).  I think that the sadness and heartbreak that I've experienced, on those days specifically, will always be something that is carried with me.  BUT... on the other hand, time continues to pass.  We have more chances - more months and more cycles - to try.  That's all we can do - keep moving forward (even though we're plagued and reminded daily by the horrible past) and not give up.  We will try and we will do anything it takes for our future miracle baby.

Now on to the good(ish)(???) news... My endometrial biopsy results were normal.  No issue.  Good news?  Yes.  But again, a part of me wishes something was wrong, or, just not quite 100% right.  Something that the doctor could say that we just need to go in and quickly/easily fix this or that and voila! you'll get pregnant!  But, no such luck.  My issue - and apparently my only issue - as we learned just about a year ago to the day, is my eggs.

So today I'm praying that in my great big pool (well, based on my FSH, my "pool" may not be big at all!) of ugly, bad eggs, that one - just one - is perfect enough to become my miracle baby...soon.

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