Trying

I really tried to enjoy myself and to enjoy my life this weekend - even with the absence of the only thing I want in the whole wide world.  And I think I succeeded, for the most part - even though my weekend ended with me telling my husband that I'm worried that there may be nothing else in our lives for us to be really, truly happy about without a baby. 

Anyway, we had a wedding on Saturday for my husband's best friend and the rehearsal dinner was on Thursday, so we decided to take Thursday and Friday off from work and spend a couple of days together.  The time off was much needed and we got a lot done... We did some outlet shopping on Thursday and crossed a lot of recipients off our Christmas shopping list.  When we got home, I decided to try to stop being such a Scrooge and I actually put up a small Christmas tree!  The weekend when I declared that we would not be putting up a tree, my husband obliged but then requested that we at least buy a small, four foot tree to showcase our "special ornaments"...

sidenote:  the year that my husband (then boyfriend) and I moved in together (yes, we lived in sin), we decided to start an annual tradition where we would buy special ornaments for eachother for our tree.  We've since stopped buying Christmas presents for one another and now just buy our ornaments.  My husband is very competitive about this and has even declared that for the past two years he's "won" the ornament present (he totally has "won" for the past few years - he always thinks of the BEST ornaments to buy!  He'll probably "win" again this year, too, because when my ornament for him arrived in the mail the other day, I was so disappointed with how it turned out...).  Anyway, since he takes so much pride in his ornament giving, I knew I had to take one for the team and put up the small, four foot tree...

... so, I said fine, he put the tree in the carriage at the store, bought it and brought it into the house where it sat in its box until Thursday, when I finally decided to try to actually enjoy this Christmas season.  And, wouldn't you know that I was actually happy once the tree was up and lit with all of our special ornaments from the past five years hanging from its branches.  It might be a small tree, but it's a special one, and it makes me feel happy and cozy when I'm laying on the couch (watching Miracle on 34th Street) to see the sparkling lights and beautiful ornaments - and my lights in the windows just makes it all that much more cozy!

My effort to try to be a happy person didn't stop there with our tree... I also partook in some Gingerbread House decorating with one of my nephews, who thought that this was just the most fun project ev-er!  Even though he just had to take a bite or two out of the roof gingerbread cookies, I think it turned out pretty good - and I'm glad that he at least had a good time with his miserable Aunt (who admittedly let him eat as much of the icing that his little heart desired!).

So, there you have it... I suppose I had a good weekend.  I'm glad my tree is up and I'm glad that I made my nephew smile.  I'm glad that I tried.  But, the honest truth is that trying to be happy doesn't actually make you happy.  At least, for me it doesn't... 

I'm praying for a Christmas miracle, for something that will truly make me happy, without having to try.