see ya later, 2012!

I tend to find myself not wanting to have fun lately.  I know that sounds crazy, but feeling down and out is almost more comfortable for me these days.  The effort that it takes to put a smile on my face seems daunting.  I've felt this way before (after every failed cycle), so I know that it will come to an end.  Smiling will eventually become more comfortable to me than frowning.  This weekend was a start.  I actually had fun.  Of course my heart still ached (I fear that the heartache may never go away), but as I said... it was at least a start. 

*Afternoon nap with my two favorites*(post)Christmas party with friends*Our first substantial snow storm*Chocolate chip cookie dough cupcakes*My sweet, precious Belle*

With that, I'm ready for 2012 to be O-V-E-R.  This year officially has been the worst year of my life.  I'm still in awe that I endured two IUI's and FOUR IVF's in a matter of twelve months!  I took thousands of milligrams of Clomid, injected myself with countless drugs, endlessly bruised my stomach and perhaps will forever have a sore rear end from the PIO injections.  I had more doctor appointments this year than I've had in my entire life.  Vaginal ultrasounds became normal.  Blood draws?  Needles?  Forget being scared of those things... in a sick and twisted way, I almost feel lonely without them. 

But... I somehow moved forward each month after getting bad news.  And although I feel so incredibly weakened by my infertility, I am somewhat in awe that I've made it to this point.  After twelve months of heartache and pain, I'm still fighting for my miracle baby.  2012 made me shed more tears than anyone should ever have to due to the longing and desire to bring a baby into the world.  But 2012 did not waver my faith and hope to do just that.  I still believe that I will be a Mommy.  That I will make Nick a Daddy.  That our miracle baby is just being really, really stubborn.

So... see ya later, 2012 (or, as they say en francais, a plus tard!).  Good riddance to you!  My only resolution for the new year is to keep moving forward.  To have the strength to keep fighting through all the pain of infertility.  To finally bring my miracle baby into the world.  To beat infertility.  And to bring true happiness back into my (and my husband's) life.

Happy New Year!

**Praying for all of my friends that this blog has connected me to... Praying that 2013 will be all of our year**