I don't know why I thought that by just one digit changing in the year, somehow I'd be rid of all of the pain that 2012 brought to me. Because I'm not. All of that pain is still very much there. I was sort of bummed about this all day yesterday - I barely moved unless it was from my bed to the couch and back to my bed again (until we rang in the New Year with my in-laws at our annual chinese food New Year's Day night). Though, if you want the honest truth, I'll go ahead and admit that perhaps some of my sluggish behavior that caused me to mope and pout all day might have been
somewhat due to the scorpian bowl that I
shared chugged with my husband on New Year's Eve.
OK, and since I'm confessing, I'll just lay it all out right here: said scorpian bowl (plus a couple glasses of pinot noir) may also be the reason that rather than watching the ball drop, I was already snoozing on the couch come midnight. And I stayed there. On the couch. In my clothes. Until I woke up at 5:45 a.m. realizing that I had a bit of a headache and that my husband had so lovingly tucked me in right where I was, and placed a blanket over me. That's when I put my PJ's on and climbed into bed with Nick and Belle. Then when I awoke for the second time that morning, I was just a grump. Yes, partly from my headache but also just because. Just because by waking up on 1/1/2013, nothing had changed. I'm still not pregnant and I've still been through hell. I'm still just bummed about this. All of this.
That said, with the new year having begun, some of my hope and faith has been renewed. I'm grateful for this. We have four snow babies right now. This is a good thing (we hope). We pray that just one of those embryos will become our miracle baby.
Can 2013 really bring me the only thing I want in the entire world? The possibility alone that it just might, is really the only thing that has kept me continuing to just put one foot in front of the other.
4 comments:
Ahhh!! What on earth is a scorpion bowl??! Sounds scary! ;) Your NYE sounds nearly as exciting as mine...only I had no scorpion bowls, which could be good or bad, I suppose!
Hey, Aubrey,
Just had to stop back by after your sweet comments on my blog!!
New Year's Day/Eve can suck so much when you're not in the place you want to be. Like I said on my blog, I tend to post my "highlight reel", or happier moments on there, but I definitely was feeling depressed on New Year's Day too, so I understand. This might have been the year of a fun trip for my hubby and me and a few adventures; it was also the year of a bazillion ovulation tests and wanting to slap a pregnant girl at work who kept announcing, "I'm craving pickles!" at work. every. day. A pregnant friend of mine was purging her house and gave me a bag of clothes that she couldn't fit in anymore, and she asked if I wanted any. I said sure and when I got home... realized it was a bag of maternity clothes. Maternity clothes for a girl who is NOT pregnant. After sobbing for an hour, I realized that she probably thought I'd need them soon. I did not. My aunt asked me how long we've been trying. When I told her about two years (with a miscarriage at one year), she chirped, "Well, that's not as long as I thought!" Really??
You wrote on my blog, "I'm envious of your ability to still post about life's *good* things while dealing with this... As you can see from my blog, I haven't quite mastered that yet :)" I think you are so brave to put it out there because I haven't quite mastered the ability to really, really write about how sad this all is. I guess I'm afraid of hurting feelings or whatever.
This is all to say: don't feel bad about needing to vent. You absolutely have EVERY right to. You guys have been through so much.
2013, you BETTER be a great year for all of us!!!
Erika - you crack me up! You've never had/heard of a scorpian bowl (at a chinese restaurant)? Is it just a New England thing, maybe??
Christen - thanks for your comment... I'm indulging in some serious Love*Life*Lists blog stalking today... love, love, love it! Glad you found me :)
Sometimes you just need a day (or more!) to sit around and feel bad for youself! Soemtimes I just cant face the world and need to stay in my pajamas and watch Bravo for 12 ours straight! And you know what, I have learned to allow myself that. After a day or so of that I usually make myself find a (slightly healthier) outlet, like some exercise or a chat on the phone with a friend. It keeps me sane! Next year, with or without a baby, I vow to focus a little more on the positive and all the awesome things that are happening in my life! My work and my marriage are excellent and I will spend more time being grateful!
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