Thursday, January 17, 2013

Just one of those (bad) days

Sometimes I seriously wonder how did this become my life

My life has literally been hijacked and over-taken by doctor's appointments, blood draws, vaginal ultrasounds, pill-popping, self-injecting, fear, worry, anxiety (well, I've always been anxious, but now even more so) and a good amount of depression on most days.

As selfish and self absorbed as this may sound, my life has literally been consumed by me.  My infertility.  My bad eggs.  My complete fear of not having a child of my own. 

Oh, and let's talk about social anxiety.  Because my social anxiety has reared it's ugly head in full-force.  I don't like being around people.  Period.  I want to hibernate in my house with my husband and not do anything.  I don't want to celebrate others' good fortunes.  Actually, as I just wrote that, I stopped and thought for a minute... and then I almost deleted that sentence because it's not 100% true.  It's not entirely true that I don't want to celebrate the good things in others' lives, it's more that I just can't.  And therefore, because I can't I guess I don't want to.

But it's not just about not wanting to or not being able to celebrate with others who seem to be the luckiest people in the world.  For me right now, it can be as simple as going out to eat, going to a workout class or even going to work.  Yes, partly because pregnancies are all around and of course that upsets me.  But my social anxiety is way beyond that - and for some reason I just can't put my finger on exactly why I don't want to be around... well, anyone.

Maybe it's because I somewhat feel let down by a lot of people.  Maybe I'm frustrated because I wish people would understand a little more.  Or, would even care a little more.  Not that others' understanding or empathy would get me my miracle baby anyway...

Maybe I feel like infertility defines me and can be seen and detected by even the strangest of strangers.

Whatever it is, I'd rather hide behind my computer and e-mail, message and feel comforted by my blog friends than be involved with (most of) my real life friends. 

For some reason today is just one of those days.  I'm exhausted.  Spent.  I don't want to google "multiple failed IVF's then success" or "success with first FET after multiple failed IVF's" all day anymore.  I don't want to think about this anymore.  But how can I possibly stop thinking about it?

All this being said, I know that I have a few close friends and family members who do just "get it" (well, as much as they can).  I know that I have my husband, who has been more of a companion to me during this time than I ever could have hoped - He's obviously been right by my side through it all and I'm grateful... for him

I know that I'm not alone, but sometimes, the loneliness of everything infertility related plagues me and my thoughts...

Again, it's just one of those days.  A bad day.


Erika said...

"I'd rather hide behind my computer and e-mail, message and feel comforted by my blog friends than be involved with (most of) my real life friends."

THIS. So true for me on so many days. Thank God we live in a time when that is even a possibility!! How you feel...I've felt like that SO MANY days and weeks and months. And it's okay. And it will probably least the extreme-ness of it. But while you're in it, Don't add 'stress about being stressed' to your list of stressors, ha. Just live and be and pray that this, too, this horrible isolation and loneliness, shall pass.

Amanda said...

I'm with you Aubrey. Completely. On all of it. Yesterday was awful. I mean awful. I don't think I could have come up with one good thing about my life. I was tempted to blog, but I figured that would be the most pathetic post ever. It would have been entitled "my life=suck". But I get it. I feel like I've changed so much since that first miscarriage rocked my world. I don't even recognize myself. And it's not all that pretty when I look in the mirror. They aren't positive changes.

Maybe Erika will have some more helpful comments for you. I'm stuck here with you with nothing, but she usually has something helpful/hopeful.

Hang in there. Hugs.

Amanda said...

she beat me. see what I mean? helpful + hopeful.

Angie said...

Aubrey, you know how my week went. I can't even think of where I'd be without my "e-mail friends." I'm feeling that same social anxiety more than ever. I don't want strangers or acquaintances or even my close friends to know what has happened to me because I already know they can't comprehend it (because they all have children, easily conceived). If anyone else EVER asks me again if I've considered adopting, AS IF I'VE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT, as if my every waking moment isn't consumed with trying to have a family, I don't think I can handle it like Little Miss Nice Girl anymore.

I don't even have a good fake answer for the easiest, lowest-level small talk anymore. How can I go out and talk to people when I can't come up with a socially acceptable answer for "What have you been up to lately?" I just keep picturing myself gawping like a goldfish at that one.

Glad to be able to vent in your comments. :)

the blogivers said...

Don't you miss the days where you didn't automatically think of your friends and loved ones in terms of their fertility? I know I do.

I would also like to echo Erika's reminder to just let yourself feel whatever you are feeling... one of the things that grates on my nerves the most and makes me the saddest is when anyone is insensitive enough to insinuate that we aren't allowed or aren't supposed to feel depressed/anxious/whatever about our circumstances. Would love to punch a large handful of people in the face for that. Anyway, tangent... praying God will give you hope in the face of a seemingly hopeless situation!

Anonymous said...

Hug! If you only want to surround youself with people who 'get it' then I support you! On the weekends I often feel like I only want to get together with 1. our 6 friends who are totally awesome or 2. B's single guy friends who could care less about babies. B might get sick of only hanging out with those people, but TOUGH! It is so much easier for me! Do what feels comfortable for you!

Sarah said...

Oh Aubrey. Wish I could give you a big hug right now. And sometimes, blogging friends are the best out there. We generally are always positive with comments and are supportive as we can be without being in person! So glad you have a great hubby though. And fingers crossed that 2013 is YOUR YEAR!!

Amy said... always put into words exactly what I'm feeling. I so wish things could be different and that people would care to try to understand.

Anonymous said...

Everyone goes through some sort of issue like this. For me I was blessed to get pregnant easily and then found out my husband has had three affairs since my little one was born 5 years ago. We are trying to work things out but it is so hard. They were all emotional affairs and he realizes he has a problem and is getting help. My family and closest friends know only. But I to find myself wondering does anyone else know and wanting to only stay home. I can't wait to just go home. Its very hard and lonely. Just know you are not alone in these feelings and I hope things work out for both of us very soon.

Sally said...

Just want you to know that I am thinking of you! I definitely do not understand all that you are going through, but you sure write about it in an eloquent way that makes me feel as though I can "get it" in some little tiny microscopic way :)) You are brave to share your journey. HUGS!

Anonymous said...

To all my sisters and those who support loved ones with fertility issues,

I am you, I was there, 8 long years, almost my whole decade of 30 s in fear and pain. The yearning unbearable, the family events excruciating. The amount of babies, graduations, showers, celebrations in 8 years in incredible. Even more incredible is how I went from normal to despicable in a matter of months. No hope, no future, no money, no one to understand, no one to old and love. I am that...or I was. 7 years into fertility treatments I regained control.

All those people who I shut out began to haunt me, those life experiences I missed became my focus. Realizing that wishing, hoping and sleeping went enough. O wonder I felt out of touch, guilty, sad, depressed, disconnected. It's not not having a baby that makes you one actually shuts u out because of something you can't help, we o hat to ourselves. Do u sit and wonder what new words your nephew has learned or how pretty your best friends little girl has become? Do you wonder if they miss you, do you wonder if your cousins, friends, mom even wonders and cries for you? And all you can tell yourself is no one understands? After 7 years it was my own wall, fear and pain that made me feel hopeless. Human nature is about support nd connection...and not cyber. Sure it's ok to read others opinions. Do cyber friends know u, laughed with u post infertility, did you grow up with them, or go to our grandmas funeral together? Will hey be there when your miracle happens o love and support your child? They have common ground, but not common love, experience and memories. 7 years and I missed memories. Time well wasted bitching about my woes, my hurt, my self destruction. And in all this I had a friend who left m t first, but realized I needed her more. Persistent, pulling me up, not feeding my stubborn attempts to preserve my mental state. Cyber support is nice, but nothing compared to the love, hugs, chats of advertising friend....who has 3 kids of her own, and yet decided to take me on as we'll.

So here is he part that will make most of u hate me, bc all of a sudden I'm not one of you. 7 years of hating humanity and my dearest kin, 1 year of reconnecting and gaining control and happiness. My nephew now speaks 2 fluent languages, my friends girls are dating and driving. And I have a 3 month old baby boy. I have the biggest network of support, the ones that were silently cheering me on, praying for me, crying for me, hiding from me thinking that's what I needed....all lies, just what I told them I wanted. No matter how much cyber support you crave you will be unfulfilled, dissatisfied, disgusted with yourself until ou make amends. Your loves are not your enemy and when your miracle arrives via womb, adoption, foster care etc., you will realize everything I speak of. And while I say I feel for every heart reading this response. Please realize you cry for no baby, but dozens more cry for you and if u allow they will be with you, and when all is done you will cry for for the time lost. And for those supporters-we are sorry for pushing, hurting, and no there is no excuse. We re hypersensitive and self destructive, but we need you more than blogs and emails. And when our children come or when we regain our lives....we hope and pray you will still be there and forgive us. We re so consumed and feel we are undeserving of your love bc we are obsessed with not having a little bundle, but we do love you still. Please all, regain your life, make amends, capture life's memories odour babies will be surrounded in love.

All the best
Re reAd and please don't be angry at me, be happy that I regained my life, and be inspired that your miracle will come too....but make no mistake about it, the miracle doesn't create happiness, only love and support around you will do that.

Christen said...

Everything that can be said has already been written by other bloggers, so I'll just say that I am praying for all of us every day, that I am so sorry for the pain that anyone who is going through this is in. Sending out love and thoughts always!

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