Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Another Beginning

As I get ready to embark upon my next cycle, my first-ever frozen embryo transfer cycle, I can't help but to feel... annoyed.  I told my husband this morning that I'm scared that I'll never get to be pregnant with my own child.  I mean think about that for a second.  Really, think about it.  How unfair, unjust and cruel is that?!  No one should have to hold that worry so close to their heart, every single day.  Anyway, I digress... I'm annoyed about starting this cycle.  I'm worried, scared and fearful, too.  But I'm also irritated.  I'm down.  I'm negative.  Yes, a miracle could happen.  But, with my past history, it probably won't - right? 

I'm a very lucky infertile who has been blessed with the opportunity to have gone through  a lot of cycles of treatments (how sick and twisted is that?!).  But that "luck" has never amounted to anything at all.  Well, except for a bruised bum, stomach and arm from injections and blood draws, a drowned soul, and a heart that's been sucker-punched seven times too many (three failed IUI's and four failed IVF's).  I have to ask myself:

Am I crazy???
Why am I doing this???

Some days I honestly don't know why I'm doing this to myself.  And some days I think I'm beyond crazy.  Just last night on our drive home, I told my husband that maybe we should go ahead and sign up for an information class about adoption (please don't think that I'm just lightly tossing this amazingly wonderful option out there.  Adoption weighs heavy on my heart.  And it's something that I consider a lot, but just have not yet chosen to share my feelings about it here on my blog).  And then just this morning I told him that if this FET fails, let's go straight to CCRM - Why wait?  I'm aaaaalllll over the place.  Seriously.  I go from idea to idea, from option to option... and yet, I always end right back here in the same place.  Getting ready for another cycle, right where we are.

So, maybe that's why I'm "crazy"... and why I'm doing this to myself.  Over and over, and over and over again.  Because I have options.  Because this is not the end of the road for me (God willing).  Because, even though I know that there is a very, very, very high chance that this FET won't work, there still is a chance

I think I'd really be crazy if I didn't hold onto that glimmer of hope...

...onto the chance that it could happen.


Anonymous said...

There is absolutly a chance that this FET will work! Your Docs have been very positive about that, right? I don't think your crazy at all! I think that pretty much every woman who has been through IVF without a positive would want to use all of her remaining embryos on FET cycles! You are not crazy!

Let this cycle happen. Then you can start evaluating your options, if it does not work. (Please note that I really need to take my own advise on this, because I also plan what I will do next if my cycle fails). You wil have some choices to make, but they are all good options and one of them will bring you your babies! Hug!

Amanda said...

I don't think you're crazy Aubrey. I think you're hurting. I remember feeling the exact same way during IUI #3. It seemed so stupid to believe that the third one would work when the previous two didn't, and yet, I was still doing it anyway because there was a chance.

I agree with Kimberly though. Hold the planning of your next steps until after this is over. I know it's hard. I was researching IVF before we'd even gotten to insemenation day. But just take it one step at a time. And if you can't be all in, that's okay. Others will be all in for you. I'm hanging on to hope for you Aubrey; believing that this could be it.

dspence said...

Just one more voice encouraging you to get through this cycle before making additional plans. Praying for you to have peace in the waiting.

Sally said...

I don't think you are crazy either. I think you are brave to have the persistance and faith to keep at it. I can't relate to what you are going through exactly but I can definitely understand that it would take such patience and bravery to go through it all. Thinking of you & hoping for you!!

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