Friday, January 4, 2013

infertility thoughts

This post isn't really going to have a beginning or and end, and it probably won't come together to get any sort of point across.  These are just some of my current thoughts and feelings regarding infertility.  Some of the things that are weighing heavily on my mind (and heart)...

Dealing with infertility is, by far, the most difficult thing I've been faced with thus far in my life.  I've found myself talking to God often throughout this journey and I ask Him a lot, why am I going through this?  Why did you choose me to bare this pain and heartache, this jealousy and envy, this hurt and sadness?  Unfortunately, I'm not sure I'll ever have answers to these questions, which doesn't make any of this any easier.  I grasp at anything that I can consider a "sign" that this is all going to work out - that I AM going to become a Mom.  If I hear a song on the radio that I like or that has any sort or significance to me, I convince myself that God is telling me not to worry.  Silly?  Probably... But I think all of that is just evidence of my hope and faith wanting so badly to stick with me and to shine through.

The thing is, no one can tell me that it's all going to be alright.  That I WILL become a Mom.  No one can tell me when it will happen, or how.  This is all, 100% in God's hands.  I wish so badly I could just have a conversation with Him.  To get some answers, some clarity and strength, and perhaps even some more hope and faith as I continue on in this most painful journey.

This morning on our way into work, I told my husband that my biggest fear right now is exhausting our options of having medical assistance in trying to get pregnant.  You see, we've been so fortunate to have had amazing insurance coverage for every single IUI and IVF.  I know that not everyone out there dealing with infertility has the same luxury.  And that is awful, a sin.  A big part of me sometimes feels very selfish, in fact.  Here I am, having done three IUI's and four IVF's... while many people out there would give anything to just have the coverage for one IVF.  Believe me, the benefit of having the insurance coverage that I do is not lost on me.  I know that I am very lucky for this, I know that this is not the norm in this country and that saddens me to the core.  That said, I've pretty much blown through infertility treatment after infertility treatment.  The fact that I had two IUI's and four IVF's in one year is pretty unheard of in this community of infertiles.  I've been able to (sort of) put my head down and keep going with treatment after each failed cycle, knowing that the only need to take a break is perhaps due to mental and emotional reasons.  What I'm trying to get across here is that I've been so entrenched in infertility treatments, but what will happen if I exhaust them all?  I know that I potentially have two FET's available to me here in Boston.  And then, my RE's practice typically will recommend no more than six fresh IVF cycles - this means, I technically have two left.  What if both of those fail?  Then, if we go to CCRM - what if that fails?  At that point, we will have drained our chances with IVF as well as our bank account (insurance will cover close to nothing at CCRM - however, I won't complain about this - ever - I know I've been beyond lucky with my insurance coverage locally).  I guess what I'm trying to say here, in a really round-about way, is that I'm petrified of not having any more chances to get pregnant without the help of a doctor.  And the truth is, the way that we plow through infertility treatments, if I don't get pregnant soon, by the end of 2013 this may be exactly where we end up.  I don't trust that my body can get pregnant on its own.  I don't trust that my eggs are good enough to fertilize and become embryos without the assistance of an embryologist.  That my embryo can survive without the added progesterone and estrogen supplements, injections and patches.  I don't believe that we can get pregnant on our own. 

Being the type A person that I am, the "planner" within me just wants to know.  I always want to know what our next step will be.  I'm thankful to have gotten that answer yesterday - our immediate next step is to do our first FET.  But what happens beyond that, if that FET fails?  What will our family look like this time next year?  The unknown in all of this is daunting and scary.  On the other hand, the unknown could be a good thing.  Perhaps I'm worrying over nothing.  Perhaps this FET will work.  If not, maybe the next one will.  And if that doesn't work, who's to say our next fresh cycle won't be the lucky one?

I'm trying to put ALL of my trust in God... I'm praying that I won't be let down.

I'm also writing all of this today after having found out last night that yet another "friend" is pregnant (just from having sex!) with her second child.  My husband told me that he now just expects everyone we know to get pregnant (thanks Nick, but that doesn't really help me!).  It's hard.  It's not fair.  My jealousy is, without a doubt, rearing its ugly head today.  I'm trying not to be a bad person with bad thoughts.  I'm trying to find happiness, deep down, for this "friend".  Though, even deeper down, I know this could potentially be what severs our "friendship" that's sadly already hanging on by a thread...

I'm ashamed to even write that last paragraph.  But, my friends, this is exactly how us infertiles feel.  These are the exact thoughts and feelings that we have and that we are ashamed of... that we pray to God for the strength to be able to deal with... None of this is easy.  None of it!


Erika said...

So much truth here. About finding out friends are pregnant...I'm the same way now. I just let my default expectation be that every person I know is or will soon be pregnant, and somehow 'knowing' that will make it easier when it comes true? It pretty much doesn't work, but at least I don't get taken by surprise. I find I have the hardest time dealing with pregnant friends during the actual PREGNANCY. Somehow actually having the baby doesn't hurt quite as bad...which seems backwards, but whatever. There's no figuring out what goes on in the mind of an IF!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you or posting all of your thoughts and fears concerns and emotions - even the ones you are embarrassed about. We have all been there with the friends and family announcing their pregnancies and it just plain old sucks. Its not that I want other people to experience infertility. Its not that I want their babies. I want MY babies and I want them here SOON and in the meantime would everyone else just please top and wait for me!?!? Is that so much to ask!? ;-)

After everything you have been through in the last year, I dont blame you for feeling less than confident. I think we all have to balance feeling of optimism and hopefulness, with the reality that we are up against some serious challenges. I try to prepare myself for the fact that we may fail at whatever our current focus is and have to move to the next step (in our case, adoption). Even though this may be seeing the glass half full, I need to be reasonable and but up some mechanisms to protect myself from being shocked by failure. I know this dosent work for everyone, and it might sound quite negative, but it is something I have to do.

I hope you and your hubby are successful with the FETs! If not I am confident you will put your heads together and make an educated choice about the next avenue to pursue! You are smart and tough and you will get through this!!

Christen said...

This post said it all... I can definitely understand the mixed emotions about friends getting pregnant. I'm so happy for them and want everything to go well, and then I'll be smacked with wistfulness and jealousy and I have to cry it out to my husband and take a few weeks off from hanging out with that person just to re-group. I had a friend who just didn't get what I was going through. She kept jumping to solutions ("you can always adopt"- yes, I realize that's an option and a wonderful one for many families, but we aren't there yet) and making insensitive remarks (complaining incessantly about everything with pregnancy and saying, "Christen, be happy you don't have these swollen cankles." Really? Is that supposed to make me feel better.) I haven't been through as much as many other infertile couples have, so I can only imagine what others who have been on this road for much longer feel. It's hard to be happy for others in the midst of this and I think this is a very natural feeling. We've all been there.

Anonymous said...

Oh geeze. Christen, one person said something similar to me: "You are infertile. well that sucks. but you .know what else sucks? pregnancy."

needless to say, I have not seen or talked to that person since!

Benenden Fertility Centre said...

What a great blog, truly inspiring.
It's so great to see you've gone into detail, and aren't afraid to be honest and open. The IVF process can be a highly emotional one, and does not always have a happy ending, so it's refreshing to see someone speak so openly about it.
This would be an invaluable resource for anyone looking to take the first step on the IVF journey, and because it's your personal journey, this will really help those people associate, and could convince them to start the journey

Inspiring words.

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