We Make Plans & God Laughs

This weekend was a good one.  Somehow, I was able to make it through with smiles, laughter, love, and comfort.  My mom came to visit, and as always, we had a blast.  Being around my mom is so good for my soul. 

Yesterday we visited with a couple of my great Aunts (one of whom turned NINETY SEVEN (!!!) this past November) and one of them said over tea and Italian cookies "you know, we make plans and God laughs."  I couldn't help but to think just how true this is.  While of course it would be cruel of God to actually be laughing at my unfair and unjust encounter with infertility, the metaphor made me laugh.  And it made me really want to try to put this (this: my infertility, my heartache, my pain, my depression, my sadness, my fear, anxiety and worry) all in His hands.  Holding onto all of these feelings of despair is exhausting, toxic and painful.  But, it's all I know right now.  I haven't moved on to the point where I can just be happy, even though I'm not pregnant.  I'm not able to let go of my pain... not even some of it.  Because it's still so raw.  It's so much a part of me right now.  It's my life.  Infertility is my life.  All consuming.  But, I want to be there, though - the place where I can let go... at least to some of this.

And this weekend was a start.  Yes, my heart still ached and my mind still wandered to the dark side, a lot, but it was a start.  And I'm proud of myself for that.  I know that bad, bad, bad days are sure to be looming in the near distance... but, if I can have a couple of "good" days here and there, then that's progress.  It's proof that I'm moving forward.  I'm carrying on and I'm living life.  Even though my life is filled with sadness, I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

* Clam Chowder with Mom at Legal Seafood * Pretzel making * Visits with amazing great Aunts * Mom and me before dinner * Eggplant Ravioli in Boston's North End * Us at Galleria 33 * Sisters and Mom in the North End * Modern Pastry * YUMMM! *