Hope(less)

Although my blog may suggest otherwise, most of the time, I really do have a lot of hope that someday... one day... I will have a baby.  The possibility that getting pregnant may never happen for me is something that I try to keep far, far away and out of my mind.  Rather, when I see something cute while flipping through a magazine or on TV, I'll declare to my husband that's what we'll do when we have a baby, or I'm definitely going to get that when we have a baby!  Statements and thoughts like these so effortlessly roll off my tongue.  It's almost as if my mind hasn't really even begun to process the possibility of never having a baby of my own.  And I guess that's a good thing, because that's where (along with every single piece of my heart) my hope comes from.  I try so hard every single day to grab ahold of that hope and to not let it go. 

But sometimes... a little bit of reality will sink in and it devastates me...

Yesterday I was hopeless.  I felt like a balloon that was slowly being deflated.  I was a little more upset after each hour had passed.  In fact, I was counting down the hours until it was a somewhat appropriate time for me to crawl into bed (6 p.m. - though thankfully I had pre Golden Globe shows to use as my excuse while Nick watched the football game).  For some reason I just couldn't get the negative thoughts out of my mind...

What if this FET doesn't work?  How could I even think that I might get pregnant?  I've literally done every single thing I possibly can - why would I think it's going to work this time?  Or next time?  Or the time after that?  I've done f-o-u-r cycles of IVF.  If none of those worked, am I crazy for thinking that a fifth will?  Should we move?  Why would we live here if we can't have a baby?  I can't be surrounded by friends having children of their own... that would kill me.  It pretty much already has...

Thankfully, though, today is a new day... a new week.  I'm praying for more hope and strength than I had yesterday.  I know that allowing my mind to dwell on the possibility of this never working isn't healthy, but on the other hand, if it does never happen... how healthy is it to convince myself otherwise only to be let down?