why us?

I can't tell you how many times in a day I ask God, myself and my husband what the heck did I do to deserve this?  There has to be something I did... and then I'll try to think of all the "bad", immoral, or wrong things I may have done in my past... I try to pin-point something that would make sense as to why I'm dealing with infertility and with bad eggs.  Deep down though, I know that's silly... that I was born with my egg "issue", that it's nothing that anyone, not even me, could have caused.  But, I want a reason.  I so often pray to God to just please let me get pregnant, but also to please help me someday see why I was chosen to have dealt with this.  I hope that someday (once I have a healthy baby in my arms), something will just click and I'll be able to say that's why!!

For so long I've thought so much about myself in this journey asking why me, why me, why me?  But then my little Blog connected me to a bunch of other women dealing with the same or similar issues.  Women dealing with similar pain and heartache, who write about feelings, situations and thoughts that all could be mine.  My journey in the world of infertility, as crappy as it is and as crappy as it has been, connected me to so many who I now call friends.

And that's when I realize just how much this all really does suck.  The pain I feel is now multiplied.  I'm angry and saddened, not just for me, but for the woman who has tried to conceive unsuccessfully for months, or even years, who is just embarking on the scary, but potentially exciting, world of infertility treatments and who is now seeing an RE... for the woman (like me) who has undergone multiple procedures (IUI and/or IVF) and who has received a negative BETA month after month after month... for the woman who would give anything to be able to just go through one cycle of IVF, but isn't able to due to the cost and lack of insurance coverage... for the woman who has suffered with the pains of infertility and who then becomes pregnant, only to lose her precious, precious, miracle baby.  My question now isn't just why me?, but has become why us?  The heartache and pains of infertility are so unfair, no matter where you may be in your journey. 

I've found myself in such a rut lately within my own journey.  It's almost as if I'm addicted to infertility treatments.  When I'm not cycling and don't have doctor's appointments at least three times in a week, or I'm not popping Clomid or giving myself injection after injection, day after day, it's like I'm lost.  I'm waiting for my next cycle to start, obviously hoping that it won't (but that's a long shot!), so that I can get started with my first ever FET cycle.  In the meantime, I'm stuck trying to make sense of all that I've been through... and all that my fellow infertility friends have been through as well.  I don't know that any of this will ever make any sense.  I just hope that someday, when my dreams have come true, that it won't even matter anymore.