Friday, January 11, 2013

why us?

I can't tell you how many times in a day I ask God, myself and my husband what the heck did I do to deserve this?  There has to be something I did... and then I'll try to think of all the "bad", immoral, or wrong things I may have done in my past... I try to pin-point something that would make sense as to why I'm dealing with infertility and with bad eggs.  Deep down though, I know that's silly... that I was born with my egg "issue", that it's nothing that anyone, not even me, could have caused.  But, I want a reason.  I so often pray to God to just please let me get pregnant, but also to please help me someday see why I was chosen to have dealt with this.  I hope that someday (once I have a healthy baby in my arms), something will just click and I'll be able to say that's why!!

For so long I've thought so much about myself in this journey asking why me, why me, why me?  But then my little Blog connected me to a bunch of other women dealing with the same or similar issues.  Women dealing with similar pain and heartache, who write about feelings, situations and thoughts that all could be mine.  My journey in the world of infertility, as crappy as it is and as crappy as it has been, connected me to so many who I now call friends.

And that's when I realize just how much this all really does suck.  The pain I feel is now multiplied.  I'm angry and saddened, not just for me, but for the woman who has tried to conceive unsuccessfully for months, or even years, who is just embarking on the scary, but potentially exciting, world of infertility treatments and who is now seeing an RE... for the woman (like me) who has undergone multiple procedures (IUI and/or IVF) and who has received a negative BETA month after month after month... for the woman who would give anything to be able to just go through one cycle of IVF, but isn't able to due to the cost and lack of insurance coverage... for the woman who has suffered with the pains of infertility and who then becomes pregnant, only to lose her precious, precious, miracle baby.  My question now isn't just why me?, but has become why usThe heartache and pains of infertility are so unfair, no matter where you may be in your journey. 

I've found myself in such a rut lately within my own journey.  It's almost as if I'm addicted to infertility treatments.  When I'm not cycling and don't have doctor's appointments at least three times in a week, or I'm not popping Clomid or giving myself injection after injection, day after day, it's like I'm lost.  I'm waiting for my next cycle to start, obviously hoping that it won't (but that's a long shot!), so that I can get started with my first ever FET cycle.  In the meantime, I'm stuck trying to make sense of all that I've been through... and all that my fellow infertility friends have been through as well.  I don't know that any of this will ever make any sense.  I just hope that someday, when my dreams have come true, that it won't even matter anymore.


the blogivers said...

One of the songs I have been clinging to since my miscarriage is "The Hurt & The Healer" by MercyMe, and the opening lines are my favorite: "Why? The question that is never far away, but healing doesn't come from the explained. Jesus, please don't let this go in vain..."

I struggle with the same questions you do... why me? why anyone?... but I think the song is a good reminder that though it's normal for us to ask those questions, we might not ever know the answer. Thankfully God does though, and He has a plan!

I know we just "met" a few days ago, but I'm praying for you!

Amanda said...

this is beautiful Aubrey. I think at some point we've all wanted to know why, and probably written a few posts about it too. I know I have. but you're so right, entering in to this community doesn't really lessen the pain; it multiplies it. you learn you're not alone, not by a long shot, which is nice, but you also begin to hurt for everyone else too.

my heart is hurting for you. I know the feeling of being lost when you aren't in the midst of meds and blood draws. just hanging out and waiting, hoping for a miracle, and feeling silly for hoping because if "x" didn't work then this certainly won't.

praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Most days I am very confident that someday I will look back on this chapter of my life as just that. A chapter. In a very long and interesting and mostly happy book of my life. I feel condifent that whether we have a baby through donor eggs, or adopt, or I magically get pregannt, or a combination of the above for each child, that I wil look at my children and say "yup, you are who I have been waiting for." I really feel confident that my kids and I will find each other some way, and I will feel that I ama great parent for them.

I am not a religious person. (I love my Unitarian Universalist church, but only because there are more questions than answers :-) I don't believe that my donor was "meant" to be the genetic mother of my children. It should have been me. But I believe that i am a strong and resilient person who can handle this with lots of help from my friends and family. And if there is a God, I don't believe that he cursed me with this. Instead, maybe his mercy allowed me to have the medical care I recieve and the friends and family who support me!

I know everyone's perspective on this is very different and very personal. But I know that no matter how you get your children you will be a wonderful mom!

Christen said...

I know what you mean about learning other stories and feeling sad and the question " why" popping up over and over. I don't have any good response about that but please know I'm sending out good thoughts and prayers to us all in this "why" cycle

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