Unfulfilled

I know that when I write, I often say that this is one of the hardest parts of dealing with infertility.  But the truth is, it's all hard.  Every-single-part-of-it-is-hard.  The feelings that you have of fear, worry, sadness, despair, jealousy, envy, anger and did I mention the sadness?  All of that is hard.  The announcements of others' pregnancies, the conversations about others' children and just seeing a stranger that's pregnant.  All of that is hard, too.  I'm having a very difficult time dealing with all of the hard things that infertility has, so unfairly, brought into my life.  Forget feeling happy... I'm having a difficult time just feeling OK.  Because I'm not OK.  This is not OK. 

Lately I've been going, going, going.  I wake up, get ready for work (sometimes hop on the treadmill before showering), go to work, come home, eat (sometimes hop on the treadmill before or after dinner), go to a workout class or to acupuncture, come home and go to bed.  I realize that this is most people's normal routine, but not mine.  Usually, happy Aubrey, would go to work, come home, eat and relax.  I'd lay on the couch and do nothing with Nick.  And I loved it.  Now, not even OK Aubrey, can just sit and relax.  I don't even know what 'relax' is anymore.  Even if I am laying on the couch doing nothing, my mind is going, going, going and thinking, thinking, thinking and worrying, worrying, worrying.  If I keep busy, it helps my mind to focus on something else, even if just for an hour... until the pregnant woman chooses the matte next to me in my Barre workout class and because of her pregnancy, the instructor shows her modifications when we get to the abs series.  You know, because she, for whatever reason, gets to be the lucky one who is blessed with that beautiful protruding belly UGH!

Last night after coming home from my workout class, my husband could just tell that I was in a mood.  He knows why I'm moody nowadays and doesn't even have to ask.  He'll say that he wishes he could do something, but we both know he can't.  After all, he's not the reason any of this is happening.  I'm the reason.  Gulp.  Another really hard part of dealing with infertility.  We talked a little and I told Nick what was bothering me the most in that moment... I told him that if this doesn't eventually work, I will always feel unfulfilled.  A life without a child... how is that purposeful?  I mean, I'd get up, go to work, come home, eat and go to the gym.  Every day.  And that would be it?  That's all?  How is that fulfilling?  Purposeful?  How do people who have dealt with infertility, who never ended up finding success, deal with it?  How do you move on?  How do you feel OK again?  Would you ever feel happy again?  Truly happy?

Infertility's Got My Tongue

Since last night, I've literally sat down three times to try and write a blog post about my feelings with regard to my upcoming FET cycle.  I just can't though... Infertility's got my tongue apparently.  And the truth is, I feel the same way I've felt for a while now.. sad, scared, annoyed, frustrated and hopeful.  So instead, I'll just leave you with the pictures I took to document my weekend:

*New table runner and adorable Paris Je t'aime cocktail napkins from a magnifique french boutique in a local coastal town.*No more roots, more blonde.*B checking out the fireplace with Nick.*Ha! I love my Greek husband and had to buy this wine!*Drank that wine while watching a movie in front of our little fire.*B's the best!*Apparently I was feeling positive.*Yum-I did work out twice on Sunday, though!*My lovie - notice her new Valentine's collar?!*

I'm Just Not There Yet

My blog friend, Kimberly, recently wrote a post that intrigued me and got me to thinking about my personal experience with infertility.  As I read, I quickly realized that I'm not anywhere near being close to the Acceptance stage in The Kübler-Ross model's "five stages of grief" (note: Kübler-Ross applies this model to catastrophic losses, to include infertility diagnoses).  In fact, I'm not so sure that I've fully moved on from any one of the other four stages.  I'm just SPLAT! right in the middle of Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression.  Acceptance is the fifth stage and I don't think I can even see it in the near far distance!

Denial.  Sometimes I think I'll fall asleep and wake up pregnant.  I'm not delusional, I swear.  But in all seriousness, many times I'll think to myself this is not happening to me.  When oh yes, this absolutely is, in fact, happening to me.  Take this week for example: I'm spotting.  AF is coming.  Wait!  Is AF here?!  Yes, it's AF.  Call the doctor, get instructions to start meds.  HOLD THE PHONE, definitely NOT AF (how can someone who is so sure of her most regular cycles have no clue if this is CD 1 or not?!).  Don't start meds.  I wonder if I'm pregnant?  I've heard of people spotting around the time they were supposed to get AF.  See!  I knew I wasn't infertile (denial)!  HPT confirms I'm not pregnant.  Blood test confirms I'm not pregnant... I am infertile (or as my acupuncturist calls, it "sub" fertile).  AF is here.  Start meds tonight. 

Enter anger.  I'm definitely right in the middle all over this stage!  And to be honest, it's quite embarrassing.  I hang my head low because of my anger.  Perhaps my anger is what I like least about myself these days.   My anger about my infertility has bubbled over.  I'm not just angry about what I'm going through, I'm angry about what other people get - others' blessings.  You can go ahead and judge me now, but it's true.  I get angry as I walk through the mall and see young moms pushing their bundles of joy in the perfect stroller that they registered for and then received at their most adorable baby shower.  I'll probably be an old lady by the time I'm able to have (get?) a baby.  My anger overflows when I'm at a lunch meeting for work and I get to sit there like a bump on a log because the entire conversation is centered around my colleagues' and clients' children.  Why am I even there?  Anger filled my heart and my soul in the car yesterday after a work appointment when my co-worker announced that his wife is pregnant with baby number two.  How is that fair?  Or, more so, how is it fair that I'm not even pregnant with baby number one?!  After all this time?!  After all these IUIs and IVFs?!

As the anger dissipates festers, then comes the bargaining.  Please, please, please God, I'll do anything to just get pregnant and have a baby.  I'll stop swearing.  I'll pray every night.  I'll go to church every Sunday.  I won't complain about where I live anymore.  I'll be a good person (because you know, maybe I'm going through all of this because I'm not a good person.  I know this isn't true, but these are the real thoughts of infertiles).  I'll do anything!  I really will do anything.  And sometimes I think, I have done everything!  What else do I need to do?!

And so, this is where the depression comes into play.  I've done so much to try to get pregnant.  I've pretty much exhausted the medical intervention options with cycle after cycle of IUI and IVF.  If that doesn't work, then what will?  Will anything work?  Will I ever get pregnant?  Will my husband and I be at birthday parties for children of our family and friends year after year after year after year looking like two dummies who still don't have a child?  These thoughts are depressing.  They make me feel alone.  Like I'll never move on from this stage in my life.  The stage that consists of me, Nick and Belle.  The stage of hope, followed by failure and disappointment, continuously circling around me month after month after month after month.  How can one escape this despair without feeling depressed? 

I know that everyone deals with life's circumstances and situations differently.  And, I guess I'm just not someone who will sail through these stages of grief checking them each off as I go (and I know that's ok).  All of these stages are sort of meshed into one big, fat, ugly stage for me.  I may leave one stage and then quickly fall back into another.  The truth is, I haven't accepted my infertility.  I haven't made it there yet.  And I'm not sure that I ever will.  But, I envy those who have.  Those who have found happiness again in their lives.  Who look forward to their future.  And who believe that their future holds the promise of a family for them.

I'm just not there... yet.

Another Beginning

As I get ready to embark upon my next cycle, my first-ever frozen embryo transfer cycle, I can't help but to feel... annoyed.  I told my husband this morning that I'm scared that I'll never get to be pregnant with my own child.  I mean think about that for a second.  Really, think about it.  How unfair, unjust and cruel is that?!  No one should have to hold that worry so close to their heart, every single day.  Anyway, I digress... I'm annoyed about starting this cycle.  I'm worried, scared and fearful, too.  But I'm also irritated.  I'm down.  I'm negative.  Yes, a miracle could happen.  But, with my past history, it probably won't - right? 

I'm a very lucky infertile who has been blessed with the opportunity to have gone through  a lot of cycles of treatments (how sick and twisted is that?!).  But that "luck" has never amounted to anything at all.  Well, except for a bruised bum, stomach and arm from injections and blood draws, a drowned soul, and a heart that's been sucker-punched seven times too many (three failed IUI's and four failed IVF's).  I have to ask myself:

Am I crazy???

Why am I doing this???

Some days I honestly don't know why I'm doing this to myself.  And some days I think I'm beyond crazy.  Just last night on our drive home, I told my husband that maybe we should go ahead and sign up for an information class about adoption (please don't think that I'm just lightly tossing this amazingly wonderful option out there.  Adoption weighs heavy on my heart.  And it's something that I consider a lot, but just have not yet chosen to share my feelings about it here on my blog).  And then just this morning I told him that if this FET fails, let's go straight to CCRM - Why wait?  I'm aaaaalllll over the place.  Seriously.  I go from idea to idea, from option to option... and yet, I always end right back here in the same place.  Getting ready for another cycle, right where we are.

So, maybe that's why I'm "crazy"... and why I'm doing this to myself.  Over and over, and over and over again.  Because I have options.  Because this is not the end of the road for me (God willing).  Because, even though I know that there is a very, very, very high chance that this FET won't work, there still is a chance. 

I think I'd really be crazy if I didn't hold onto that glimmer of hope...

...onto the chance that it could happen.

One Hundred!!

For my one hundredth (!!!) post, I wasn't sure what to write.  My blog is 99.9% centered around my infertility journey, but for this celebration (yes, your one hundredth post is most certainly cause for a celebration!), I thought that I would steal Sarah's "ABC's of Me" idea and post something more fun and up-lifting!

{A} Age:  Thirty

{B} Bed size:  Queen.  We're little :)  Though, since Belle takes up most of the room (seriously!), I would love to get a King sized bed in our next home!

{C} Chore you hate:  Walking Belle in the winter... Luckily I have a wonderful husband!

{D} Dogs:  Belle Elizabeth, my sweet, sweet  three and a half year old yorkipoo!

{E} Essential start to your day:  COFFEE (or a hot cup of tea)!!!  Caf or decaf is fine for me.  I just need that hot cup of joe to begin my day... everyday!

{F} Favorite color:  LELLOW!

{G} Gold or Silver:  Gold

{H} Height:  My license says 5'2'', but at my last physical, I only measured 5'1 and 1/14'' (so sad... I think I'm shrinking!)

{I} Instruments you play:  None.  I played the clarinet in middle school, though.  But I was bad!

{J} Job Title:  Account Manager

{K} Kids:  Hoping, praying, waiting and wishing all day every day...

{L} Live:  Massachusetts

{M} Married:  ...to my best friend and the love of my life.  Three years on February 6th. 

{N} Nicknames:  Aub, Aubbie, Aubs and Brey.

{O} Overnight hospital stays:  Never.  My brother used to call me calamity Jane though, so this is a bit surprising... 

{P} Pet peeve:  The noise of someone clipping their nails and slow drivers (yes, I'm officially a Masshole driver!).

{Q} Quote:  This is the quote that's currently on the chalkboard in our kitchen: Some days you just need to make your own sunshine.  I saw it written on a chalkboard at Starbucks the other day and liked it.  Now, if I could only live by it!

{R} Righty or Lefty:  Righty.

{S} Siblings:  Two.  Remember... I have a serious case of middle child syndrome!

{T} Time you wake up:  Alarm goes off at 5:45 a.m.

{U} University attended:  Merrimack College.  Go Warriors!

{V} Vegetables you dislike:  I pretty much like most veggies.  I'm way more of a veggie person than a fruit person!

{W} What makes you run late:  Hitting  the snooze  button (on average twice every morning)!

{X} X-Rays you've had:  I think just my teeth and elbow... Oh wait... and yes, my uterus and fallopian tubes during my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) a couple of years ago.

{Y} Yummy food:  I'm a chocoholic... Anything chocolate.  Plus most anything else that's not healthy for me!

{Z} Zoo animal favorite:  Monkey!!!  This kind:

Happy Blogging!

I'll probably be back to my ranting and raving re: infertility tomorrow.

Really?!?! (Yes, I'm stooping this low...)

Last night as my husband watched football, I snuggled into bed and eagerly waited for the season premiere of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami to start (I have many guilty pleasures and the  ridiculousness of the Kardashian reality shows is one of them!).  Anyway, the second episode that was on last night featured Kim's "infertility issues".  In fact, Kim even mentioned that her fertility specialist tested her levels and her eggs are old, similar to someone who is in their fifties.  This irked me and it still does!  My guess is that either her AMH or FSH levels are elevated, such as mine.  My doctor compared my FSH levels to someone in their forties, though... Am I crazy to think that just because Kim got pregnant, that maybe I will, too?!  I mean, after all, my eggs are about 10 years younger than hers!

I have the day off from work today and rather than watching the inauguration (such a bad citizen!), I opted for the Kourtney and Kim re-runs.  And watching the episodes again got me to googling, which lead me to this interview.  Doesn't it seem like Kim is using her "infertility" as a publicity stint?  How terrible?!  As if it doesn't sicken me enough already that she's pregnant!

So, now that I've stooped so low as to write an entire blog post on the Krazy Kardashian's, I'm off to watch more re-runs (I'll do my best to turn to the inauguration during commercials, though!).

We Make Plans & God Laughs

This weekend was a good one.  Somehow, I was able to make it through with smiles, laughter, love, and comfort.  My mom came to visit, and as always, we had a blast.  Being around my mom is so good for my soul. 

Yesterday we visited with a couple of my great Aunts (one of whom turned NINETY SEVEN (!!!) this past November) and one of them said over tea and Italian cookies "you know, we make plans and God laughs."  I couldn't help but to think just how true this is.  While of course it would be cruel of God to actually be laughing at my unfair and unjust encounter with infertility, the metaphor made me laugh.  And it made me really want to try to put this (this: my infertility, my heartache, my pain, my depression, my sadness, my fear, anxiety and worry) all in His hands.  Holding onto all of these feelings of despair is exhausting, toxic and painful.  But, it's all I know right now.  I haven't moved on to the point where I can just be happy, even though I'm not pregnant.  I'm not able to let go of my pain... not even some of it.  Because it's still so raw.  It's so much a part of me right now.  It's my life.  Infertility is my life.  All consuming.  But, I want to be there, though - the place where I can let go... at least to some of this.

And this weekend was a start.  Yes, my heart still ached and my mind still wandered to the dark side, a lot, but it was a start.  And I'm proud of myself for that.  I know that bad, bad, bad days are sure to be looming in the near distance... but, if I can have a couple of "good" days here and there, then that's progress.  It's proof that I'm moving forward.  I'm carrying on and I'm living life.  Even though my life is filled with sadness, I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

* Clam Chowder with Mom at Legal Seafood * Pretzel making * Visits with amazing great Aunts * Mom and me before dinner * Eggplant Ravioli in Boston's North End * Us at Galleria 33 * Sisters and Mom in the North End * Modern Pastry * YUMMM! *

Validation

Yesterday being Thursday, I spent my evening at a relaxing acupuncture appointment.  As I was waiting for my acupuncturist to call me back for my session, I noticed a RESOLVE New England newsletter on the coffee table.  While I admittedly don't know much about RESOLVE, I do know that they offer support groups for women dealing wtih infertility.  I know this because I actually have their local monthly meeting dates marked in my calendar (I was too much of a scaredy cat to go to the one at the beginning of this month... we'll see what February brings, I suppose).  Anyway, because I recognized the organization's name, I grabbed the newsletter and started to thumb through it... Here is what I found (I took a picture of this with my phone, so it may be difficult to read):



I know that I don't need to validate the crappy feelings that I so often have due to my journey with infertility, or the symptons of depression that sometimes pop up more than I'd like... but this made me feel... well, validated and somewhat reassured.  Reassured that what I'm feeling, is normal (normal at least for what I'm going through).

I couldn't have read this at a more perfect time (see yesterday's post).  While it's certainly still excruciatingly difficult to deal with the emotions brought upon by my infertility, I'm glad that I saw this last night.  After a really bad day, it's almost what I needed (well, this and all of YOUR supportive comments that blew me away yesterday!) to just be a little more okay with my feelings, especially the bad ones.

Just one of those (bad) days

Sometimes I seriously wonder how did this become my life? 

My life has literally been hijacked and over-taken by doctor's appointments, blood draws, vaginal ultrasounds, pill-popping, self-injecting, fear, worry, anxiety (well, I've always been anxious, but now even more so) and a good amount of depression on most days.

As selfish and self absorbed as this may sound, my life has literally been consumed by me.  My infertility.  My bad eggs.  My complete fear of not having a child of my own. 

Oh, and let's talk about social anxiety.  Because my social anxiety has reared it's ugly head in full-force.  I don't like being around people.  Period.  I want to hibernate in my house with my husband and not do anything.  I don't want to celebrate others' good fortunes.  Actually, as I just wrote that, I stopped and thought for a minute... and then I almost deleted that sentence because it's not 100% true.  It's not entirely true that I don't want to celebrate the good things in others' lives, it's more that I just can't.  And therefore, because I can't I guess I don't want to.

But it's not just about not wanting to or not being able to celebrate with others who seem to be the luckiest people in the world.  For me right now, it can be as simple as going out to eat, going to a workout class or even going to work.  Yes, partly because pregnancies are all around and of course that upsets me.  But my social anxiety is way beyond that - and for some reason I just can't put my finger on exactly why I don't want to be around... well, anyone.

Maybe it's because I somewhat feel let down by a lot of people.  Maybe I'm frustrated because I wish people would understand a little more.  Or, would even care a little more.  Not that others' understanding or empathy would get me my miracle baby anyway...

Maybe I feel like infertility defines me and can be seen and detected by even the strangest of strangers.

Whatever it is, I'd rather hide behind my computer and e-mail, message and feel comforted by my blog friends than be involved with (most of) my real life friends. 

For some reason today is just one of those days.  I'm exhausted.  Spent.  I don't want to google "multiple failed IVF's then success" or "success with first FET after multiple failed IVF's" all day anymore.  I don't want to think about this anymore.  But how can I possibly stop thinking about it?

All this being said, I know that I have a few close friends and family members who do just "get it" (well, as much as they can).  I know that I have my husband, who has been more of a companion to me during this time than I ever could have hoped - He's obviously been right by my side through it all and I'm grateful... for him. 

I know that I'm not alone, but sometimes, the loneliness of everything infertility related plagues me and my thoughts...

Again, it's just one of those days.  A bad day.

Awards time!

Today I'm posting in response to being nominated for a Liebster Award by one of my blog friends, Kimberly.

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers (this is funny to me, because I feel like there's nothing about me or my blog that's up and coming :)  - just saying)  who have less than 200 followers.  The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.  Unfortunately, we've been thrown into the infertility category.  A category where none of us wants to be... but, if we have to be here, at least we have found one another!

If you receive the award, here are the rules:

1.)  Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves
2.)  Then, the blogger must answer the 11 questions that the tagger has asked
3.)  The blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers that they decide to nominate
4.)  They must then choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post

I'm going to be a bad Liebster Award nominee and just post 11 things about myself and answer Kimberly's questions.  Mostly because most of the blogs I follow already have 200+ followers, but also because I'm a little lazy (sorry Kimberly!!!).

So, with that, here are 11 things about me:

1.)  I'm a middle child.  I always swore that I would never, ever have three (or any uneven number of children) because I have a serious case of middle child syndrome.  Funny now though, how I'd give my left arm to be able to have just one child.  Or three.  Or five.  Heck, or even seven!


Me with my older bro and younger sis.  My brother lives in FL, so we don't get the opportunity for a sibling picture too often.  This is from my wedding almost three years ago.


2.)  I don't know how to use a round brush.  This little inability has driven me nuts as of late.  My hands just can't twirl the brush the correct way without getting it stuck in my hair and causing too-many-to-count knots.  I'm left with either bone straight hair a la my straightener or curls from a curling iron.  No pretty, blown out 'do's for me!

3.)  Speaking of hair, I wash mine every.single.day.  I know that this is a big no-no, but seriously, if I go a day without washing, it will look so greasy by mid-day.  It's quite annoying because it causes so much extra 'get ready' time in the morning.

4.)  I had a big fat Greek wedding.  Kind of.  Nick's Greek (I'm not).  I laid my foot down with a max of 200 guests.  I wanted to also lay my foot down on the Greek circle dancing and dollar dances, but I didn't.  And I'm glad that I didn't because it was fun.  We also got married on my Nana's 90th Birthday.  It was so special.  We even had her cake toppers from her wedding on our wedding cake.  Love!

Greek wedding ceremony complete with crowns that now hang above our bed :)



Greek circle dancing



$1 tossing during our first dance for good luck and good fortune



Nana's cake toppers on our wedding cake.  Again, LOVE!

5.)  My greatest fear used to be death.  Now it's living childless.

6.)  I'm a neat freak.  To a fault.  I hate it (so does my husband).  I make my bed every.single.day.  And usually I swiffer or vaccuum at least one room once per day.  I need to loosen up!

7.)  I've been lucky enough to have been to France, Switzerland, the Netherlands, Spain, Italy, Portugal, England and Greece.  I want to go back - to all of those countries.  I told my husband yesterday that we should go tour Europe this summer.  This morning, I told him that we should go to Aruba (we woke up to a lovely New England snow storm/squall this morning).  I guess you can go anywhere when you don't have children (sigh...)!

Paris

England


Greece



8.)  Even though I've taken folic acid for two years, my nails still aren't strong.  They peel, break, and chip.  Maybe it's not just the pre-natal vitamins... maybe you actually need to be pregnant to get good, strong nails?

9.)  I've mentioned this before, but Nick and I share the same birthday.  I'm an hour and a half older.  It's probably one of my most favorite things in the world.  It's so special and unique and there's obviously no one else that I'd rather share 8/23 with than him!

Our 30th Birthday in California


10.)  I'm a descendant (daughter) of the Mayflower! 

11.)  I'm also Native American... 1/32 Wampanoag and 1/16 Creek.

Now, here are my answers to Kimberly's questions (my answers will be in purple):

1.)  If you were going to be on the cover of a magazine, what magazine would it be?
Soap Opera Digest!!  I love my Soap, Days of Our Lives!!

2.)  What would be the headline? 
Aubrey is pregnant AGAIN?!?!

3.)  What is the best decision you almost didn’t make?
To see an RE.  I was so hesitant at first and was in complete denial (I think I still am in denial!).  Now, I truly can't imagine my life without Dr. A.  It's an addiction.  I'm literally lost when I'm not going through a monitored/medicated cycle.

4.)  What is the most dreamy date you have ever been on?
Honestly?  Nick and I have been to some amazing places together... Europe, Caribbean Islands, etc., etc., and those trips are always dreamy, because who wouldn't love lounging on the white sand in the tropics with their husband?!  But truthfully, my favorite dates with him are going out for pizza or ordering in, snuggling on the couch and watching our favorite shows together.  I love being at home with my love(s... Belle too, of course!).

Aruba 2004

Antigua 2010 (sadly, I no longer look anywhere close to this!)

5.)  What one quality can you just not stand in other people? 
I think my least favorite quality in someone is... I actually don't know.  This is a difficult one.  I guess these days, I struggle with people who don't care enough to try to understand... So, I guess people who are un-empathetic bother me the most.

6.)  What is your favorite room in your home? 
Hmmm, I would have to say either my family room or bedroom.  Let's face it, that's where you can find me most of the time - in bed or on the couch!

7.)  What did you sleep with as a comfort item when you were little?
A stuffed animal monkey.

8.)  What is the best meal you have ever had?
I'm going to sound crazy when I say write this, but, my hands down favorite meal of all-time is a JIF peanut butter sandwich (skip the jelly!) on white wonder bread with a glass of milk.

9.)  Pick one for the rest of your life: movies or TV shows?
TV shows for sure!

10.)  If you start a book and don’t like it, do you finish it or ditch it?
Ditch it.  Though, I normally choose such fluffy books (i.e. Nicholas Sparks, Emily Giffin) that I pretty much always love them.

11.)  How did your parents choose your name?
My Dad named me.  He loved the song Aubrey by Perry Como.  My Dad and I danced to the Bread version (Bread re-did it in the 70's) at my wedding.  Tear...

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

Hope(less)

Although my blog may suggest otherwise, most of the time, I really do have a lot of hope that someday... one day... I will have a baby.  The possibility that getting pregnant may never happen for me is something that I try to keep far, far away and out of my mind.  Rather, when I see something cute while flipping through a magazine or on TV, I'll declare to my husband that's what we'll do when we have a baby, or I'm definitely going to get that when we have a baby!  Statements and thoughts like these so effortlessly roll off my tongue.  It's almost as if my mind hasn't really even begun to process the possibility of never having a baby of my own.  And I guess that's a good thing, because that's where (along with every single piece of my heart) my hope comes from.  I try so hard every single day to grab ahold of that hope and to not let it go. 

But sometimes... a little bit of reality will sink in and it devastates me...

Yesterday I was hopeless.  I felt like a balloon that was slowly being deflated.  I was a little more upset after each hour had passed.  In fact, I was counting down the hours until it was a somewhat appropriate time for me to crawl into bed (6 p.m. - though thankfully I had pre Golden Globe shows to use as my excuse while Nick watched the football game).  For some reason I just couldn't get the negative thoughts out of my mind...

What if this FET doesn't work?  How could I even think that I might get pregnant?  I've literally done every single thing I possibly can - why would I think it's going to work this time?  Or next time?  Or the time after that?  I've done f-o-u-r cycles of IVF.  If none of those worked, am I crazy for thinking that a fifth will?  Should we move?  Why would we live here if we can't have a baby?  I can't be surrounded by friends having children of their own... that would kill me.  It pretty much already has...

Thankfully, though, today is a new day... a new week.  I'm praying for more hope and strength than I had yesterday.  I know that allowing my mind to dwell on the possibility of this never working isn't healthy, but on the other hand, if it does never happen... how healthy is it to convince myself otherwise only to be let down?

why us?

I can't tell you how many times in a day I ask God, myself and my husband what the heck did I do to deserve this?  There has to be something I did... and then I'll try to think of all the "bad", immoral, or wrong things I may have done in my past... I try to pin-point something that would make sense as to why I'm dealing with infertility and with bad eggs.  Deep down though, I know that's silly... that I was born with my egg "issue", that it's nothing that anyone, not even me, could have caused.  But, I want a reason.  I so often pray to God to just please let me get pregnant, but also to please help me someday see why I was chosen to have dealt with this.  I hope that someday (once I have a healthy baby in my arms), something will just click and I'll be able to say that's why!!

For so long I've thought so much about myself in this journey asking why me, why me, why me?  But then my little Blog connected me to a bunch of other women dealing with the same or similar issues.  Women dealing with similar pain and heartache, who write about feelings, situations and thoughts that all could be mine.  My journey in the world of infertility, as crappy as it is and as crappy as it has been, connected me to so many who I now call friends.

And that's when I realize just how much this all really does suck.  The pain I feel is now multiplied.  I'm angry and saddened, not just for me, but for the woman who has tried to conceive unsuccessfully for months, or even years, who is just embarking on the scary, but potentially exciting, world of infertility treatments and who is now seeing an RE... for the woman (like me) who has undergone multiple procedures (IUI and/or IVF) and who has received a negative BETA month after month after month... for the woman who would give anything to be able to just go through one cycle of IVF, but isn't able to due to the cost and lack of insurance coverage... for the woman who has suffered with the pains of infertility and who then becomes pregnant, only to lose her precious, precious, miracle baby.  My question now isn't just why me?, but has become why us?  The heartache and pains of infertility are so unfair, no matter where you may be in your journey. 

I've found myself in such a rut lately within my own journey.  It's almost as if I'm addicted to infertility treatments.  When I'm not cycling and don't have doctor's appointments at least three times in a week, or I'm not popping Clomid or giving myself injection after injection, day after day, it's like I'm lost.  I'm waiting for my next cycle to start, obviously hoping that it won't (but that's a long shot!), so that I can get started with my first ever FET cycle.  In the meantime, I'm stuck trying to make sense of all that I've been through... and all that my fellow infertility friends have been through as well.  I don't know that any of this will ever make any sense.  I just hope that someday, when my dreams have come true, that it won't even matter anymore.

Weekending

This weekend...

** We had an impromptu candle lit dinner on Friday night... complete with cheese and crackers for appetizers. I'm such a domestic diva, huh?! ** Belle was in the mood for lots of belly rubs. ** I watched Something Borrowed, for the umpteenth time (good movie, fantastic book) and enjoyed a bowl of kettle corn. ** I watched the movie while wearing my shirt that Nick tells me looks like it's from Gap Kids.  Hey, if you can't have kids (*yet), you might as well dress like them, eh?! ** Belle begged for food. ** I made Sally's delicious cake batter chocolate chip cookies.  Yum (I'm a sucker for anything cake batter!). ** I played two games of cribbage and lost both.  Sad. ** Belle begged for more food. **


As you can see, my weekend was pretty uneventful.  Mostly because my husband came down with some sort of nasty illness, so naturally, I put my nurse's cap on and didn't do much other than make tea, make tea and oh!  make more tea.  It was actually nice though... not that I wanted Nick to be sick, but we vegged and slept and just relaxed - we had no where to go and nothing to do. 

Last night, we retired to bed early and while we were watching Love Actually (another fantastic movie!) (also, another one of my favorite things about Nick is that he'll gladly watch any rom-com/"chick flick" movie with me... without complaint!), Nick turned to me and said "this sucks."  I just knew he wasn't talking about him not feeling well, but rather, infertility.  My hunch was confirmed when he followed "this sucks" up with "it just shouldn't be this hard".  See, I'm normally the one to go on, and on, and on, and on, and on about how unfair all of this is... how infertility has stolen so much from me... from us... but, when Nick mentions how shitty this all is, I know it really is... because he doesn't complain, ever, about anything.  He takes everything as it comes to him.  So, even though I know that infertility is the worst, even though I know all of this sucks... badly... it just hurts my heart that much more knowing that my stupid eggs are causing him pain as well.  Because he's right, this sucks... it shouldn't be this hard!

infertility thoughts

This post isn't really going to have a beginning or and end, and it probably won't come together to get any sort of point across.  These are just some of my current thoughts and feelings regarding infertility.  Some of the things that are weighing heavily on my mind (and heart)...

Dealing with infertility is, by far, the most difficult thing I've been faced with thus far in my life.  I've found myself talking to God often throughout this journey and I ask Him a lot, why am I going through this?  Why did you choose me to bare this pain and heartache, this jealousy and envy, this hurt and sadness?  Unfortunately, I'm not sure I'll ever have answers to these questions, which doesn't make any of this any easier.  I grasp at anything that I can consider a "sign" that this is all going to work out - that I AM going to become a Mom.  If I hear a song on the radio that I like or that has any sort or significance to me, I convince myself that God is telling me not to worry.  Silly?  Probably... But I think all of that is just evidence of my hope and faith wanting so badly to stick with me and to shine through.

The thing is, no one can tell me that it's all going to be alright.  That I WILL become a Mom.  No one can tell me when it will happen, or how.  This is all, 100% in God's hands.  I wish so badly I could just have a conversation with Him.  To get some answers, some clarity and strength, and perhaps even some more hope and faith as I continue on in this most painful journey.

This morning on our way into work, I told my husband that my biggest fear right now is exhausting our options of having medical assistance in trying to get pregnant.  You see, we've been so fortunate to have had amazing insurance coverage for every single IUI and IVF.  I know that not everyone out there dealing with infertility has the same luxury.  And that is awful, a sin.  A big part of me sometimes feels very selfish, in fact.  Here I am, having done three IUI's and four IVF's... while many people out there would give anything to just have the coverage for one IVF.  Believe me, the benefit of having the insurance coverage that I do is not lost on me.  I know that I am very lucky for this, I know that this is not the norm in this country and that saddens me to the core.  That said, I've pretty much blown through infertility treatment after infertility treatment.  The fact that I had two IUI's and four IVF's in one year is pretty unheard of in this community of infertiles.  I've been able to (sort of) put my head down and keep going with treatment after each failed cycle, knowing that the only need to take a break is perhaps due to mental and emotional reasons.  What I'm trying to get across here is that I've been so entrenched in infertility treatments, but what will happen if I exhaust them all?  I know that I potentially have two FET's available to me here in Boston.  And then, my RE's practice typically will recommend no more than six fresh IVF cycles - this means, I technically have two left.  What if both of those fail?  Then, if we go to CCRM - what if that fails?  At that point, we will have drained our chances with IVF as well as our bank account (insurance will cover close to nothing at CCRM - however, I won't complain about this - ever - I know I've been beyond lucky with my insurance coverage locally).  I guess what I'm trying to say here, in a really round-about way, is that I'm petrified of not having any more chances to get pregnant without the help of a doctor.  And the truth is, the way that we plow through infertility treatments, if I don't get pregnant soon, by the end of 2013 this may be exactly where we end up.  I don't trust that my body can get pregnant on its own.  I don't trust that my eggs are good enough to fertilize and become embryos without the assistance of an embryologist.  That my embryo can survive without the added progesterone and estrogen supplements, injections and patches.  I don't believe that we can get pregnant on our own. 

Being the type A person that I am, the "planner" within me just wants to know.  I always want to know what our next step will be.  I'm thankful to have gotten that answer yesterday - our immediate next step is to do our first FET.  But what happens beyond that, if that FET fails?  What will our family look like this time next year?  The unknown in all of this is daunting and scary.  On the other hand, the unknown could be a good thing.  Perhaps I'm worrying over nothing.  Perhaps this FET will work.  If not, maybe the next one will.  And if that doesn't work, who's to say our next fresh cycle won't be the lucky one?

I'm trying to put ALL of my trust in God... I'm praying that I won't be let down.

I'm also writing all of this today after having found out last night that yet another "friend" is pregnant (just from having sex!) with her second child.  My husband told me that he now just expects everyone we know to get pregnant (thanks Nick, but that doesn't really help me!).  It's hard.  It's not fair.  My jealousy is, without a doubt, rearing its ugly head today.  I'm trying not to be a bad person with bad thoughts.  I'm trying to find happiness, deep down, for this "friend".  Though, even deeper down, I know this could potentially be what severs our "friendship" that's sadly already hanging on by a thread...

I'm ashamed to even write that last paragraph.  But, my friends, this is exactly how us infertiles feel.  These are the exact thoughts and feelings that we have and that we are ashamed of... that we pray to God for the strength to be able to deal with... None of this is easy.  None of it!

What's Next?

I've sat here for five minutes just watching the cursor blink at me.  I want to write a post about my doctor's appointment this morning, but I just don't even really know where to begin.  I'm annoyed, confused, frustrated, sad and sort of just blah. 

Every time I have a doctor's appointment, I get very anxious.  Butterflies fill my stomach and my body shakes.  It's weird because I'm SO comfortable with my doctor and everyone in her entire practice.  I've become friendly with the medical assistants, the nurses, the doctors and even the receptionist at the front desk.  We joke that I have their number on speed dial (I find it so interesting that I can joke and put on a smiley, happy face at my doctor's office - as if this all isn't killing me.  And then, here on this blog and at home, at work and in any other social setting, I can't put that brave face on... I crumble and melt into a puddle of tears and sadness.).  Anyway, the anxiety normally dissipates as soon as I'm called back for my blood draw, ultrasound or meeting.  But today, my anxiety didn't really go away.  All of that anxiety became a big, fat lump in my throat and it caused me to forget some of the things I'd been going over in my head to ask my doctor... I was too focused on trying not to unload all of my tears from my frustration with this entire mess of infertility right in front of her as my husband and I sat across from her in her office. 

The meeting started by my doctor reviewing our perfect cycle.  Maybe that's why I was so uneasy in her office.  It's hard for me to reflect back on IVF #4 because it was the cycle that should have given us our BFP.  There's no reason for that cycle to have failed.  Unless, of course, if you remember that my eggs are bad.  I have a high-ish FSH and I asked my doctor if that's why she thinks this "perfect" cycle failed.  Which basically, in a long and round-about response, the answer to that question is yes.  Something to do with the mechanics of my eggs is probably the cause for the development of the chromosones to stop diving and growing and doing whatever else it is that they're supposed to do.  And that assumption comes from the fact that I have a high-ish FSH.

I asked if she would consider me as someone that should be diagnosed with POF (premature ovarian failure).  She said no, but that my "diagnosis" would be DOR (diminished ovarian reserve).  This makes sense, as the highest number of eggs we've been able to retrieve is seven, even on the highest amounts of stims that my doctor is comfortable with someone taking.  She said that if once my FSH levels come back in the 20's (my highest FSH level so far was 18.6), then I'd be considered "peri-menopausal".  Beyond "peri-menopausal", would be someone who has POF.  So, the good news here is that I'm still a step or so away from all of this.  My doctor still has confidence that somehow, someday I will have a baby with my own eggs - with or without the help of IVF.  It's frustrating for me, though, because although she's seen it happen and although I've heard of it happening for other women, I still don't feel like it'll happen for me.  My doctor did mention again that her thought is that I'll certainly go through menopause prior to the average age of fifty-two.  Again, sort of hard to hear.  That's still twenty-two years away, but obviously menopause isn't something you want to even hear about at the age of thirty, when you're trying desperately to get pregnant.  **This is where I completely forgot to ask about my AMH levels.  I had even written this in my notes on my iPhone to make sure I bring up and ask... I guess I got so flustered hearing about my DOR that I just couldn't take anymore and wanted to focus on what we are going to do next**

So... what are we going to do next?  As previously mentioned, we have four frozen embryos (I'm still so, so, so thankful for this).  My doctor reviewed the report with us and confirmed that we had two blastocycts frozen on day 5 that were both "good/A".  We then had two additional blastocycts frozen on day 6, both of which were already hatching on their own and that were also graded "good/A".  Good?  Yes.  But it was also good last time, with our fresh cycle, too.  So, do I have much more faith in a frozen transfer?  No.  But I'm trying to.  We decided that we would go ahead and thaw two blastocycts, in hopes that both would make it for the transfer so that in the event that FET #1 fails, we'd potentially have two blastocysts left for a second FET.  But, as all of us infertiles know, nothing is for certain in this terribly painful journey.  There is the possibility that during the thawing process, our embryos won't make it and the embryologist will need to go back to the freezer for our other two blasts.  Fingers crossed that this won't be an issue... but you never know.  I'm starting to just expect the worst.

So, we'll be starting our FET hopefully soon.  I'm in the middle of a cycle now, so January has already been counted out, which I'm trying to convince myself isn't exactly a bad thing.  We changed our health insurance this year (to a PPO in hopes of getting at least some sort of reimbursement if we end up going out to CCRM), and I know we'll probably need some time to straighten all of that out.

In the meantime, I'm trying to hold onto Amanda's reminder that God is good.  Always.

Be Nice, 2013

I don't know why I thought that by just one digit changing in the year, somehow I'd be rid of all of the pain that 2012 brought to me.  Because I'm not.  All of that pain is still very much there.  I was sort of bummed about this all day yesterday - I barely moved unless it was from my bed to the couch and back to my bed again (until we rang in the New Year with my in-laws at our annual chinese food New Year's Day night).  Though, if you want the honest truth, I'll go ahead and admit that perhaps some of my sluggish behavior that caused me to mope and pout all day might have been somewhat due to the scorpian bowl that I shared chugged with my husband on New Year's Eve.

OK, and since I'm confessing, I'll just lay it all out right here: said scorpian bowl (plus a couple glasses of pinot noir) may also be the reason that rather than watching the ball drop, I was already snoozing on the couch come midnight.  And I stayed there.  On the couch.  In my clothes.  Until I woke up at 5:45 a.m. realizing that I had a bit of a headache and that my husband had so lovingly tucked me in right where I was, and placed a blanket over me.  That's when I put my PJ's on and climbed into bed with Nick and Belle.  Then when I awoke for the second time that morning, I was just a grump.  Yes, partly from my headache but also just because.  Just because by waking up on 1/1/2013, nothing had changed.  I'm still not pregnant and I've still been through hell.  I'm still just bummed about this.  All of this.

That said, with the new year having begun, some of my hope and faith has been renewed.  I'm grateful for this.  We have four snow babies right now.  This is a good thing (we hope).  We pray that just one of those embryos will become our miracle baby. 

Can 2013 really bring me the only thing I want in the entire world?  The possibility alone that it just might, is really the only thing that has kept me continuing to just put one foot in front of the other.