Thursday, June 28, 2012


Broken.  That's what I am.  I feel as if I have broken into a gazillion pieces.  And I'm not sure at this point, how to put myself back together.  I've been in a bit of a dark place the past few days and just couldn't bare to write the following words: I am still not pregnant.  IVF # 2 did not work (hence my lack of blogging).  I started taking HPT's on Saturday, which was 7dp3dt.  That's when I got my first negative.  Like the stubborn (and I suppose hopeful) person that I am, I continued to POAS all the way up until my BETA.  Negative after negative.  But even after seeing the negative yesterday morning (which was the day of my BETA), I still had a teeny, tiny bit of hope deep inside.  Hope that maybe, just maybe I would be one of God's miracles yesterday.  Sadly, I wasn't.  My time is yet to come.  It's excruciatingly painful and it still very much stings today.  I suppose it will continue to sting until I receive a positive test and confirmation that my miracle is ready for me.  The thought of potentially living this life without a child of our own is terrifying - and it hurts really bad.

The hurt is so bad, that I contemplated deleting my little blog (let's be real, I think my only readers are my mom and sister!).  Sometimes, I feel like it's just too painful to record all of the sadness that I'm feeling.  I mean, I had initially started this blog thinking that I would be documenting a beautiful 9 months of pregnancy and then would go on to document my baby's first everything... Unfortunately, that was not God's plan for me or for my little blog.  Quickly, over the past few months, my blog turned into a journal about my infertility journey.  A myriad of writings that reflected my sadness, anger, my feeling scared and anxious and somwhere buried in there as well - my hope and my faith.  I'm truthfully not writing my blog for followers (although, if you are a follower - welcome! and thank you!).  I'm writing my blog so that I will always have record of the feelings I've had throughout this journey.  Maybe what I write will someday help someone else out there plagued by the horribleness (is this even a word?) of infertility.  But if not, I'm happy to continue on with my little blog for me. what?  I've been asking myself that very question since before receiving my first negative HPT.  We have a few options...

1. I had been researching CCRM for months.  I have read many blogs of women who have had amazing success with CCRM.  I had myself convinced that this is where we needed to go.  We scheduled an initial telephone consult with the amazing Dr. Schoolcraft for the end of August.  I am thrilled and am currently working diligently on getting all of my medical records sent to their facility ASAP.  That said, I've also recently read some reviews on CCRM, specifically regarding women with high FSH.  I'm worried now, that "donor eggs" will be Dr. S's suggestion - I'm not ready for that.  And therefore, I'm not sure Dr. S will want to accept me as a patient.  But... only time will tell, and we are still planning to speak with him, ask him A LOT of questions and hear what he has to say...

2. A few weeks into starting acupuncture, my Acupuncturist informed me of herbs... His herb protocol is very in-depth.  It's a 90 day process and would essentially be a change in my lifestyle.  I would record a food diary and would essentially have my diet re-vamped.  I would also be taking multiple herbs in addition to my twice per week acupuncture sessions.  The kicker is, I could not do this "herb-protocol" during an IVF cycle.  The purpose is to treat my eggs during their primordial and 2nd stage of "life" so that when they become "live" follicles, the quality may in fact be better...  The intent is to prepare your mind and body for an upcoming IVF cycle.  However, it seems like many women who begin this herb protocol do end up conceiving naturally within the 90 days - wouldn't that be amazing?!

3. Do a 3rd IVF cycle with my amazing, current RE, Dr. A.  I love my doctor.  She is beyond knowledgeable, thorough, empathetic and caring all the while being a to-the-point type of doctor.  There aren't many "frills" with Dr. A - and I like that.  Most importantly, though - Dr. A has never once mentioned the words "donor eggs" to me.  I'm aware that many RE's out there probably wouldn't even take me on as a patient with my highest FSH being 18.6.  Dr. A has hope for us - sometimes, I think she has more hope for us than we (or at least I) do.  The next protocol that Dr. A has suggested is the Clomid-FSH protocol without birth control.  During my IUI cycles I responded well to the Clomid, so in her opinion, she thinks re-introducing the Clomid in conjunction with the Follistim may be our best option at this point to hopefully trigger more follicle growth.  Dr. A recommends that I have one natural cycle, un-medicated, prior to starting in on this 3rd IVF.  That brings us to the end of July/beginning of August.  With our upcoming vacation - the potential retrieval/transfer would be while we are away - SO... should we choose option #3, that brings us to IVF #3 some time in September... which seems SO far away right now.

So - those are our options.  I have an acupuncture session tonight and plan to talk a bit more about the "herb protocal" with my Acupuncturist.  I'm hoping that perhaps there is a bit of a modified version of the protocol that I can try for the next couple of months before either doing a cycle with Dr. A or with Dr. S (I think I'd like to do at least one more IVF cycle prior to jumping into the complete herb protocol).

The unknown is so scary - I'm not sure we'll have a decision on which option we'll choose until the end of August, when we have our phone consultation with Dr. S.  I'm sure time off from medicated infertility treatment will be a good thing, but it will be difficult for me - I've been on a medicated cycle since my first IUI in December, 2011.

I'm praying for peace and comfort during the next couple of months.  Praying for guidance as to which option to choose.  And mostly, I'll be praying for a miraculous, naturally conceived baby during our time off from treatment!

Aubrey Blair

No comments:

Site Design By Designer Blogs