Monday, July 9, 2012

Our Decision

We made a decision... We officially found out on Wednesday the 27th that I am not pregnant (man, saying/typing that still stings!).  I went to acupuncture on Thursday evening (the next day) and made the executive decision to start herbs and to take 3 cycles off from IVF meds.  I had been agonizing over choosing the "right" option.  I prayed that somehow I would just know what to do next.  And for some reason, when I was at my acupuncture session, it just clicked.  I told my acupuncturist I wanted to start herbs and right then and there, I made the decision to get my body and mind in order. 

I started taking the herbs the following Tuesday - I've taken them now, every day - twice a day, for the past 6 days.  I don't feel any different... yet.  I will get a re-fill once a week... My herbs are concocted by my acupuncturist and the formula is based upon where I am in my cycle and lots of other things (i.e. the length of my periods... apparently I have a pretty serious blood deficiency and only get my period for about 1-2 days - my acupuncturist is really focusing on correcting this, for starters).

In addition to taking herbs twice a day, I'm also (for the first time ever) taking my basal body temperature (BBT) every morning.  I hadn't done this in the past, prior to my infertility days when trying to conceive naturally, simply because I just relied on the ovulation predictor kits (OPK's).  My acupuncturist believes that the BBT chart will tell him a lot about my cycle and he will adjust my herb formula, if necessary, based on this.

Herbs and BBT charting aren't all that I'm doing... I bought a juicer this weekend and a whole slew of organic fruits and vegetables.  My acupuncturist gave me a few juicing and smoothie recipes to try.  I tested a couple of them this weekend and while I need to hold my nose while chugging the crazy concoctions back, I do believe that this can only help me with getting my body in tip-top shape.

I'm going to start yoga and another exercise class this week as well.  My goal is not to lose weight, but rather, just be more fit.  I really want to delve ino strengthening my mind and body - hopefully all of this combined will help me to carry out our dream of conceiving and having a baby.

While I truly believe this decision is the right decision, it's also been difficult this past week.  I'm grateful that the decision to do herbs isn't just that.  As I've written above, taking herbs includes a whole lot of other things - things that keep me busy and keep me going.  But, it's always there - always in the back of my mind... I'm not pregnant.  IVF #2 didn't work.  The fear and worries are right there as well - will I ever get pregnant?  Will we have a baby of our own?  And then there's the anger and the envy - why is she pregnant and I'm not?  How can another person be pregnant?  It's NOT fair! 

Sadly, for us women dealing with infertility, the days don't get easier as time passes... instead, the days become more difficult.  The sadness doesn't dissipate, but rather just festers and mutiplies.  They say that time heals all... but I'm not so sure that is true for women dealing with infertility.

Aubrey Blair

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled upon your blog today from another blog I read. It broke my heart. My best friend is going through a lot of similar situations as you and it is so excrutiating to hear her bad news. I will pray for you when I pray for her. One day soon I hope I will be thanking God instead of praying for your miracles. Best of luck and I really do hope you get your miracle very soon!

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