Friday, October 19, 2012

Words to hold onto...

I walked into work this morning with a smile on my face, only for the smile to be instantly turned upside down when I overheard my pregnant co-worker's conversation with another office-mate.  Stories about going into labor and comments about how ready and excited my pregnant co-worker is for her baby to be here flooded my ears.  I couldn't escape it.  I can't escape this.  It's everywhere in my life.  No matter where I go or where I turn the harsh reality of my infertility literally slaps me hard across the face.  It stings.  Every day, every minute, every second... even if it's not the exact thing on my mind at that exact moment, it's still there and it still hurts.  To be surrounded by others' pregnancies and to (what seems like) constantly hear comments about their pregnancies is just chilling to me.  And while deep down (deep, deep, deep down) I'm happy for others' pregnancies (yes, my happiness for others is over-shadowed by my hurt), I just wish that women knew what a blessing and miracle their soon-to-be baby is - what they may complain about on a daily basis is something that an infertile woman prays for day in and day out.  And trust me, the hurt, pain and exhaustion (emotionally, physically and mentally) that an infertile woman feels is probably worse than a pregnant woman's swollen feet, nausea and heart burn.

But... all of that isn't what I want this post to be about.  I'm trying to be optimistic (even when I'm faced with really, really, really hard situations that just remind me of the fact that I don't have the only thing that I want in the whole entire world).  I'm praying daily hourly that God will grant me a little more Faith and a lot more strength to get through each day.  I'm trying to focus on a positive outcome in all of this.  Sometimes, it's just easier to think negatively.  After all, negative outcomes are all I've ever received over the course of this journey.  But, I'm trying... and I hope that counts for something. 

Every time I hear Phil Phillips' song "Home" I get a lump in my throat.  This verse and these words are what do it to me:

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone

I also try to hold onto the words that important and special people in my life say to me - words that fill my heart with hope and bring tears to my eyes... Last night, my sister asked me to send her a (really delicious) family chocholate chip cookie recipe.  I texted her back to let her know that I was at an acupuncture appointment and that I'd send it to her as soon as I got home later in the evening.  She responded and said "Do you know if it has baking soda in it or powder?" to which I responded that I think it's baking powder.  I threw my phone in my purse and walked into my acupunturist's office.  While laying on the table with needles protruding from all sorts of places on my body, I heard my phone vibrating.  I didn't think much of it.  When my session was over, I looked to see who had called or texted me.  It was my sister.  She had written something that still brings tears to my eyes today: "You're right!  You're always right!!  You're gonna be a great mom!" (she ended up finding the recipe in one of her recipe folders). 

My sister doesn't know how happy she made me last night, how her words were exactly what I needed to hear (well, see) and how I'll forever hold onto what she said (well, wrote).  So, if you're reading this W - Thank You and I Love You - You are my best friend and I thank God every day for the special relationship that we have - xoxo

1 comment:

Mary said...

If that brought tears to your eyes. . . Imagine what it did to the mother of the two most amazing daughters a mother could ever ask for in the world !!!
Aubbie, I KNOW you will be the most amazing mommy to your children too!!
Keep the Faith :)

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