Friday, October 12, 2012

Roller Coaster

I've mentioned a time or two before that infertility is like a roller coaster....

An interesting fact here is that in my 30 years of life, I've never ever ridden a roller coaster.  Not even a kid's coaster.  Many trips to Disney World as a child, I was content with the "Its a Small World" and "Dumbo" rides (my poor Dad, I always held him back - but could always count on him accompanying me on these rides over, and over, and over, again (while the rest of my family enjoyed more thrilling rides such as Pirates of the Caribbean and Thunder Mountain)!).  My rules were no fast rides and no rides that went backward.  The teacups were even a little scary for me.  I needed to know what was coming on all of the rides that I took at the Park...
I guess my Dad got to sit this ride out!! (Disney World, circa 1985)
I digress... but there is a point (an interesting one, at that!) here... While deciding that I would not and will not ever ride a Theme Park roller coaster (at 30 years old, I'm still scared of (the thought of) them), I've somehow found myself riding the roller coaster of my life.  Infertility is my roller coaster.  Right now I'm at that really scary part where you're careening down the rails, hair in your face, eyes squeezed tightly closed, stomach in your mouth and white-knuckled from holding onto the front railing so tightly. 

I even feel like my roller coaster constantly goes backward (I don't do backward rides!).  I've taken so many steps forward - IUI, IVF, acupuncture, herbs, blood draws, ultrasounds, injections, etc., etc., etc. - but each step forward tends to bring me 5 steps back.  It's become painfully tedious.  Some days I awake with such strong feelings of hope and faith.  Thoughts of "it's our time" and "I will be a mom, I know I will!" flood my mind.  My scary roller coaster ride slows down and I can't help but to think that we'll reach the end soon.  But those days are few and far between.  The scary thoughts and questions of "will this ever work?", "will I ever have a biological child?" seem to take over much too quickly.  It's hard to push the worry and doubt aside.

My roller coaster ride is not yet over.  I want so badly for it to stop.  I want to get off this horribly painful and scary ride.  I want to exit the gate of the ride and run far, far, far away from this terrifying experience. 

I pray to God that this all ends soon. 

I pray to God that my miracle baby is on his/her way.

I pray to God that He gives me the strength to continue to hold on tightly until this roller coaster ride of infertility ends (prayerfully with a healthy baby in my arms).
I couldn't possibly end a post that mentions Disney World without adding a picture of my all-time favorite "No White"!

1 comment:

Katie said...

OMG, this picture!!! So cute! You look the same.

Love the blog. Please keep writing!

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