Happy Halloween (Circa 2009)

Happy Halloween from my little Lady Bug!!

This was from Halloween three years ago when B was still a puppy.  She hated her costume so much that we haven't dressed her up since!

The last time Nick and I dressed up for Halloween (2009), we were the teenage couple from the movie Juno.  Today I'm thinking seriously?  I dressed up as a pregnant teenager?  Is this some sort of sick joke?!

Relationships

Many of my relationships have been on my mind lately...  I have mentioned before that I believe infertility has forever changed me.  Infertility has become a part of what defines me and it is something that I will (unfortunately) carry with me for the rest of my life... regardless of how it ends. 

Along with the pain, tears, hurt, anxiety, worry and many, many other emotions that infertility has bestowed upon me, it has also made its effects known by way of spoiling a lot of my relationships with others.  A little more than a year ago when I started to really worry about what might be going on with my body and as I started to ask myself why the heck I wasn't getting pregnant, I was very private with my struggles.  Other than my husband of course, a close friend and co-worker were the only two people that had any idea something was going on, and this was only because I somewhat sporadically shared some of my worries with them.  When my husband and I met with our RE for the first time last November, we decided to keep our infertility journey as close to our vests as possible.  We didn't want to announce our struggles with really anyone, as we had hoped they wouldn't matter... we truly believed our first IUI would work and at that point, why would we worry any of our family or friends about our bad luck with our encounter with infertility?  Right before our first IUI, I ended up coming clean to my parents and sister.  The frequent doctors' appointments and hormonal roller coaster that I was on from the Clomid cemented the fact that I needed some additional support, guidance and love from my family.

After our IUI's continued to fail, we decided to fill my husband's family as well as some additional very close family members in on our struggle.  I also started to slowly let some of my close friends and some co-workers, who I trusted, know what we were dealing with - and how it had, at this point, completely turned our lives upside down.  Initially (and sometimes I still feel this way), I really wanted to keep our infertility journey very private.  But as it progressed and we were on our way to our first IVF, we were filled with more hope than ever before, and we were convinced that IVF was just what we needed and that at the end of that cycle, we'd finally get to call ourselves parents to be!  Welp, here we are... seven months later... and I have no belly to boastfully rub and to talk ever so sweetly to...  All I have is a constantly bloated stomach full of bruised injection sites.

I digress... back to my relationships.  Yes, my relationships have suffered immensely, thanks to my infertility.  Part of me doesn't care and is totally fine with this.  Another part of me is terribly saddened.  You hear it all the time, that friendships come and go and that you're lucky to have at least one true friend in your life (I'm very thankful and beyond blessed for my one true friend - who I know is probably reading this!).  Truthfully though, I think perhaps I may have a couple of true friends... but that's about it.  And I think I'm the reason for all of my other friendships to have plummeted recently.  You see, once my husband and I decided we were ready for our family to expand, it was all I could think about.  As the months passed with no positive pregnancy test, my spirits were crushed.  During this time, as friends announced their pregnancies, it was difficult to be happy for them.  It was even more difficult to have to see them and to have to pretend to be happy for them.  I pulled away from oh so many social outings with my friends.  At first I did so beause what if I were pregnant?  If I wasn't drinking a glass of pinot noir, my friends would surely know something's up!  Then, as we became more entrenched in fertility treatments, my days became governed by doctors appointments, blood draws, ultrasounds, nightly pill-popping and giving myself shots in my thigh or belly (and sometimes right in my rear end!)... It became hard to go out for dinners after work or on the weekends - first, because of the crazy IVF-induced schedule that I was on and second, because I became (and am) so miserable, that sometimes putting a smile on my face and looking happy was such a feat that the thought of it alone exhausted me.  For weeks (and even still now), the only place I felt comfortable was at home, alone with my husband, where I felt safe - where I felt like I didn't have to think - about anything - where I wouldn't encounter another pregnant person or where I didn't have to worry about my eyes instantly welling up with tears should another friend announce that their family is growing (why them?  why not me?!). 

I pulled away from a lot of most of my friends.  But, don't get me wrong - I do have a handful of friends that know exactly what's going on in my extremely painful journey of infertility.  Some of these friends are ones who I'm grateful that I've told.  Sadly, others are people who I wish daily had not a clue about my husband's and my plans for expanding our family.  The reason for my regret is largely because of the way certain people have handled my confession.  I know that there are many bloggers out there who have written posts about what not to say to an infertile.  And I could actually create a post about this myself.  But the truth is, a lot of people don't know what to do and don't know what to say to someone who is in my situation.  And I get that.  I do.  But, sometimes I just wish that if you were a true friend, that this wouldn't be an issue.  And maybe I'm cold-hearted for even thinking about it this way - but my friends who have responded in just.the.right.way are people that I will be forever grateful for.  And I've started to realize that perhaps my friends who have responded in a way that has caused me a lot of hurt, well, are they really a friend?  Maybe it's OK that I've pulled away from these people.  It's a hard realization to come to.  Relationships... all relationships... change.  They grow, and sometimes they fail to grow, as a result of life experiences and situations that people encounter and face. 

All that being said, I'm most thankful for my family and for my husband's family who have embraced us, prayed for us and prayed with us, who have been beyond understanding and who have lent us some great shoulders to lean on (and to cry on) during this very difficult time in our lives.  Family members are your true friends.  And I'm lucky enough to have a few really good friends who have become family to me.

Pinterest

Secret Cycle IVF #3 - the details

Today marks one week since we learned that our secret cycle IVF #3 failed.  Saying that, writing that and seeing that still brings tears to my eyes and leaves me somewhat numb.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, none of this gets easier as time passes.  The hurt, pain, fear and worry is magnified after every unsuccessful month/cycle.  I could write a novel about the emotions one deals with because of infertility, but I want to focus this post on the details of my third IVF and how it all came about... And why we had so much more hope this time...

I had mentioned that my acupuncturist wanted me to add another month of herbs to my initial three month plan...  After a lot of tossing and turning over this, I decided to go ahead and do a fourth month, until one day I had a very strong feeling that I wanted to do another cycle of IVF.  My husband and I spoke about it and we decided that we would go ahead with our third IVF, but this time we weren't going to tell anyone about our plan.  No one at all.  I wanted to move forward with an IVF cycle without having to report anything back to anyone.  In my mind, I thought that this would be less stressful.  I thought that perhaps it would allow me to focus less on every blood draw and ultrasound result... and truthfully, it did.

For secret cycle IVF #3, I was on the Clomid-Antagonist protocol (interestingly enough, this is the protocol that Dr S. said he would put me on should we choose to do a cycle at CCRM). 

• September 25th was CD1 (cycle day 1).
• I started taking 100 mg of Clomid on September 27th.  My last dose of Clomid was on October 1st (CD3 through CD7).
• I added Follistim injections (450 iu) on September 28th (CD4).  My last injection of Follistim was on October 5th (CD11).
• I added the Ganirelix injection (this is the antagonist shot that prevents early ovulation) on October 3rd (CD9).  My last injection of Ganirelix was on October 5th (CD11).

To my complete surprise on Friday, October 5th, my doctor told me that she expected that my retrieval would be on Monday, October 8th.  October 8th was CD14.  A few things to note about this:

1. Prior to any of my infertility treatment, when using OPK's, I would always get a smiley face detecting an LH surge on or around CD14.
2. For my other two IVF's, my egg retrievals were on CD19 and CD18, respectively.  I had always thought that this seemed "off" based on my OPK LH surge results.

My doctor needed me to come in the following day though, Saturday, October 6th, for one last blood draw and ultrasound.  This is when secret cycle IVF #3 became a little less secretive.  My husband and I had been planning to visit my parents in CT that weekend, but with us having to cancel our plans at the very last minute, we decided to just fill them in on what had been going on...

My sister also pretty much knew what was going on.  At the end of September we were at a wedding together.  I was doing my Follistim injections at the time (which have to be refrigerated) (another reason why IVF patients prefer to remain at home and are unsocial during a cycle) so I had to stuff my clutch purse with ice packs to keep my medicine cold.  Also stuffed inside of my clutch were the essentials: mints, lip gloss, etc.  Throughout the night, my sister randomly asked to use my lip gloss - each time I would give it to her, she'd remark that it was so cold and finally, I think she put two and two together...

After my appointment on Saturday, October 6th, it was confirmed that my egg retrieval would be at 9 a.m. on Monday the 8th.  I was instructed to take my trigger shot Saturday night at 8 p.m.  We were worried going into the egg retrieval.  My doctor was the RE that was scheduled for that day's surgery, which we were thrilled about.  She met with us prior to the procedure and let us know that there were really only two follicles that she would be focusing on.  This cycle was no different from the other two in the fact that I did not produce a large number of follicles (thanks, FSH.  I HATE you, I really do!).  I, so badly, wanted more than four eggs this time, but after our talk with my doctor prior to my retrieval, I was nervous and didn't know what to expect...

So... when the nurse reported to us that my doctor had retrieved SIX EGGS, we were ecstatic.  We had SUCH a good feeling about this cycle!  We were sent home with instructions to start the PIO injections that evening.  In addition, I was instructed to start Endometrin (suppositories - gross - since my IUI cycles, I always requested the PIO injection instead of the Endo - the injection is so painful, but is much preferred (in my opinion at least) over the suppositories!) twice a day.  I ALSO was instructed to wear a Vivelle estrogen patch starting the morning of my transfer.  We were very pleased with the additional steps that we were instructed to take this time post retrieval/transfer.  We were so optimistic that these additions would give us our miracle baby.

The next day we learned that, of my six eggs, three fertilized.  Truthfully, I had hoped for more than three embryos so that we'd have a chance of freezing at least one, but we still felt like we were ahead of the game at this point.  We had one more embryo this time than we had the last two times!

On October 11th, I had a day three embryo transfer.  We transferred ALL THREE embryos and the doctor told us that she thought these were the best looking embryos that we've ever had.  The embryos were graded as such:  one grade A/B 8 cell, one grade B 7 cell and one grade B 6 cell.  Again, we were ecstatic.  I immediately felt connected to my little babies (I stopped referring to them as embies and called them my babies).  I even named them - all of them.  I just had so much more hope this time.  I put myself on bed rest that day when I got home and stayed in bed for the next two days after that.  I was not going to let anything get in the way of my beloved babies implanting in my uterus. 

My husband and I prayed together nightly for at least one of our babies to make it - We would have been thrilled if two of them made it - And we would have been beyond blessed if all three of them had made it - Really, we weren't concerned about the potential for multiples. 

I didn't record every symptom, twinge, flicker, cramp and flutter that I felt during the 2ww this time - I didn't want to obsess over it - I chose to be positive this time.  I chose to believe that I was pregnant.  I chose to trust in God and to let my Faith carry me through the excruciating 11 days of the unknown following my transfer. 

Sadly, you know how this cycle ended.  Thinking back on my positivity is very difficult for me.  I'm not a positive person by nature (something that I, admittedly, would like to change about myself), but this time, I really believed in mind over matter.  And this time, I guess I learned that it doesn't really matter if I'm positive or negative - Positivity won't fix my high FSH.  Positivity won't make me become fertile.  Positivity won't make me a Mom.

...Praying for my doctor today.  I'm praying that she is lead to another plan for us.  A plan that will work.  I'm praying that she still has hope for us... so that we can still have hope for ourselves...

I Will Be A Wonderful Mother

I recently found this on the Internet while researching failed IVF cycles.  I just happened to stumble across it and have not been able to keep myself from constantly going back to read it again and again - it helps me to smile when right now all I feel is despair and hurt.

I Will Be A Wonderful Mother

Author Unknown

 

There are women who become mothers without effort,

without thought,

without patience or loss,

and though they are good mothers and love their children,

I know that I will be better.

 

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

 

I have longed and waited.

 

I have cried and prayed.

 

I have endured and planned over and over again.

 

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

 

I will notice everything about my child.

 

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

 

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

 

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

 

My dream will be crying for me.

 

I count myself lucky in this sense; God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

 

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

 

I will be a better mother for all I have endured.

 

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

 

 

Now, cue the tears...

(Un)Deleted

You may have noticed (not that I have many followers... so actually, maybe no one really noticed other than my Mom...) that recently I deleted my Blog.  T'is true.  I can't even believe I'm about to write the following words, but here goes...  I found out on Monday, October 22nd, that I had another failed IVF (IVF #3). 

I'm numb...

Give me a second...

Just saying writing that leaves me speechless and somewhat thoughtless.  I will share the full story and details of secret cycle IVF #3 in a later post, but today I wanted to officially un-delete my Blog and I felt that in doing so, I should comment on why I deleted Two Hearts and One Dream to begin with...

On Monday afternoon, my world came crashing down around me (again).  My hopes and my dreams were instantly shattered.  Another piece of my heart became forever broken.  I was (and am) angry.  I was (and am) sad.  I was (and am) devastated.  I wanted to instantly forget every single thing about my infertility journey.  I wanted someone to take away my pain and the excruciatingly bad memories that have become ingrained in my mind and have truly become a part of me.  I didn't want to think about this anymore.  I didn't want to be reminded of the constant pain that I've come to endure day in and day out.  So, with that, I deleted my Blog.  I felt good about my decision for a couple of days while I covered my teary, swollen, blood-shot eyes (lots of tears this time people... lots and lots and lots of tears...) with steamy hot face cloth compresses.  But, yesterday I mentioned what I had done to my husband.  His immediate response was "so, I'll never get to read it now?" (my husband is not one of my few blog followers).  I sort of felt bad about that, so I logged back into my Blog on Blogger and saw the "undelete" button that was only a click away...  Today I clicked that button and I'm glad I did.

While the pain is still very, very raw, I'm reminded that sharing my feelings, thoughts, fears, worries, hope and faith (yes, even though secret cycle IVF #3 failed, I still do have hope and faith - God's amazing like that, I guess) is just a little part of what has helped me to move forward.  I'm able to vent and be real here.  I don't have to worry that someone might take what I say the wrong way (well, I actually always worry that someone will take something I say (or write) the wrong way... it's just who I am), but for the most part, this is my outlet.  This is where I can come to truly express how I feel and as you probably know - most of the time, the way I feel is negative - I express my hurt and anger  as well as my envy and jealousy regularly on my Blog.  But I do feel a little better after purging those emotions.  And that helps me to continue on... to put one foot in front of the other and to make it through another day. 

I quickly realized that I can't forget - or delete -  my journey of infertility.  I'm still (sadly and unfairly) in the throes of this chapter in my life.  I need Two Hearts and One Dream to help me to move forward.  Because that's all I can do.  I'm not giving up (we meet with our doctor on Wednesday).  My future miracle baby needs me to push through this.  And that is what I'm going to do.

Words to hold onto...

I walked into work this morning with a smile on my face, only for the smile to be instantly turned upside down when I overheard my pregnant co-worker's conversation with another office-mate.  Stories about going into labor and comments about how ready and excited my pregnant co-worker is for her baby to be here flooded my ears.  I couldn't escape it.  I can't escape this.  It's everywhere in my life.  No matter where I go or where I turn the harsh reality of my infertility literally slaps me hard across the face.  It stings.  Every day, every minute, every second... even if it's not the exact thing on my mind at that exact moment, it's still there and it still hurts.  To be surrounded by others' pregnancies and to (what seems like) constantly hear comments about their pregnancies is just chilling to me.  And while deep down (deep, deep, deep down) I'm happy for others' pregnancies (yes, my happiness for others is over-shadowed by my hurt), I just wish that women knew what a blessing and miracle their soon-to-be baby is - what they may complain about on a daily basis is something that an infertile woman prays for day in and day out.  And trust me, the hurt, pain and exhaustion (emotionally, physically and mentally) that an infertile woman feels is probably worse than a pregnant woman's swollen feet, nausea and heart burn.

But... all of that isn't what I want this post to be about.  I'm trying to be optimistic (even when I'm faced with really, really, really hard situations that just remind me of the fact that I don't have the only thing that I want in the whole entire world).  I'm praying daily hourly that God will grant me a little more Faith and a lot more strength to get through each day.  I'm trying to focus on a positive outcome in all of this.  Sometimes, it's just easier to think negatively.  After all, negative outcomes are all I've ever received over the course of this journey.  But, I'm trying... and I hope that counts for something. 

Every time I hear Phil Phillips' song "Home" I get a lump in my throat.  This verse and these words are what do it to me:

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone



I also try to hold onto the words that important and special people in my life say to me - words that fill my heart with hope and bring tears to my eyes... Last night, my sister asked me to send her a (really delicious) family chocholate chip cookie recipe.  I texted her back to let her know that I was at an acupuncture appointment and that I'd send it to her as soon as I got home later in the evening.  She responded and said "Do you know if it has baking soda in it or powder?" to which I responded that I think it's baking powder.  I threw my phone in my purse and walked into my acupunturist's office.  While laying on the table with needles protruding from all sorts of places on my body, I heard my phone vibrating.  I didn't think much of it.  When my session was over, I looked to see who had called or texted me.  It was my sister.  She had written something that still brings tears to my eyes today: "You're right!  You're always right!!  You're gonna be a great mom!" (she ended up finding the recipe in one of her recipe folders). 

My sister doesn't know how happy she made me last night, how her words were exactly what I needed to hear (well, see) and how I'll forever hold onto what she said (well, wrote).  So, if you're reading this W - Thank You and I Love You - You are my best friend and I thank God every day for the special relationship that we have - xoxo

Pregnant Co-Worker

Honestly, my pregnant co-worker has completely ruined my week!  I know I've gone on, and on, and on about this colleague but this is my on-line journal and if I can't vent here, then where can I vent?!

* * * * *

I just came out of a meeting where we re-assigned most of my pregnant co-worker's accounts (I'll give you one guess as to whom all of these accounts were re-assigned) since, you know, she's the lucky b$&%! that will be out of work for 12 weeks, who probably won't be coming back to work at all, and who gets to cradle the miracle of a baby (ahem, her own baby) in her arms in a few short weeks. 

In the meantime I'll prick myself with countless needless (in countless spots on my body), show up late to work every day because of doctor's appointments, cry myself to sleep every night and now on top of all that, I'll be swamped at work - more than I already am.

So thanks pregnant co-worker.  Thanks a real lot.

I'm bitter and right now I'm not ashamed of that!

3 Hours Later...

...and I'm doing a little better than I was this morning.  Perhaps it's because the questions/comments about my co-worker's pregnancy have ceased.  OR... it's because one of my favorite websites made me laugh.

Sep 27

#603 How to Achieve Two Lines on a Pregnancy Stick

fertility 8 Comments »

Fertility Tip: How to achieve two lines on a pregnancy stick.

(a) Pee on two sticks.
(b) Get a pregnant woman to pee on your stick.
(c) Draw on the second line with magic marker.
(d) Relax and it will happen.
(e) All of the above but d.

So, thank you to 999 Reasons, for helping to make me smile this afternoon.  And for making this sick and twisted journey of Infertility a little more light-hearted. 

(and congrats to 999 Reasons for becoming an eBook!)

Right Now

warning:  I'm having a bit of a bad day...

Right now I just want to scream

Right now I feel let down

Right now I feel robbed of the one thing that (in my opinion) matters most in life

Right now I'm finding it near impossible to sit across from my colleague who is having a baby in December

Right now I want to throw up when anyone in my office asks said colleague anything at all about her pregnancy

Right now I'm wondering why God is being so unfair

Right now I feel horrible that I could even think that God is unfair

Right now I'm finding it difficult to think about anything other than the pain that I feel right now

Right now I just want to crawl under the covers and cry - All day

Right now I'm letting the fear, anxiety and worry win

Right now I wish I had more Faith

Now that I got this out, I'm going to try to think positively for the rest of the day... starting RIGHT NOW!

Wish me luck and please send me your prayers. 

I'm praying for strength and hope - I need it today.

This mornings' pins....

Ok, I know the 1st one is horrible, but this is my infertility blog and truth be told, this is what us infertiles think.

I'll redeem this horrible (but something that seems to unfortunately be somewhat true) thought with a pin about my favorite word - Faith.

Some Randomness and Every Drunken Cheerleader

Something I didn't mention in my post from earlier today is that I'm home sick from work on this Fall Friday.  While laying in bed I was able to accomplish a few (a couple being quite silly) goals:

First, I finally learned how to pronounce Hoda Kotb's last name.  This always puzzled me.  I've assumed for a long time that it was either KOBE or KOTE, leaving either the "t" or the "b" unpronounced.  Boy was I ever wrong!  The Today Show announcer this morning introduced the show's co-host by saying "Hoda KOTE-BE" - whaaaat?!  At least now I know!

Second, Kristen Blake DiMera is back on Days of Our Lives!  I'm a huge Days fan.  I admittedly DVR the show every day and breeze through the weeks' episodes every weekend.  It's my big-time guilty pleasure.  I started watching the show religiously when I was in middle school (then taping it and watching it every day after school).  Kristen has been off Days for years, but I can't wait to see all of the flash backs as they re-introduce her character to the show!

Eileen Davidson as Days' Kristen Blake DiMera

Third, in a previous blog post, I had mentioned that I wanted to read this book.  Well, today I did.  I'm not going to write a lengthy book report as I did for Silent Sorority, but I'd like to share some of the thoughts I was left with, words of encouragement I'll take with me, and statements that left me thinking "that's exactly how I feel".

Kristine Ireland Waits writes in Every Druken Cheerleader: Why Not Me?:

"Let me tell you what you need to hear most of all.  God is not abandoning you.  You did nothing wrong.  This is not your fault.  You are not alone."

"When you get to the point where you cannot take another step, please look around and realize that, just by looking, you are moving forward."

"Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel to the fullest degree and then move on.  Blame.  Hate.  Love.  Fight.  Keep your eye on Jesus and your marriage.  It'll be OK."

"While you are undeniably happy for your friend or family member that God has chosen her to be a mother, you are reminded by way of the announcement that He has not yet chosen you.  The pendulum of emotion can be dizzying."

Roller Coaster

I've mentioned a time or two before that infertility is like a roller coaster....

An interesting fact here is that in my 30 years of life, I've never ever ridden a roller coaster.  Not even a kid's coaster.  Many trips to Disney World as a child, I was content with the "Its a Small World" and "Dumbo" rides (my poor Dad, I always held him back - but could always count on him accompanying me on these rides over, and over, and over, again (while the rest of my family enjoyed more thrilling rides such as Pirates of the Caribbean and Thunder Mountain)!).  My rules were no fast rides and no rides that went backward.  The teacups were even a little scary for me.  I needed to know what was coming on all of the rides that I took at the Park...

I guess my Dad got to sit this ride out!! (Disney World, circa 1985)

I digress... but there is a point (an interesting one, at that!) here... While deciding that I would not and will not ever ride a Theme Park roller coaster (at 30 years old, I'm still scared of (the thought of) them), I've somehow found myself riding the roller coaster of my life.  Infertility is my roller coaster.  Right now I'm at that really scary part where you're careening down the rails, hair in your face, eyes squeezed tightly closed, stomach in your mouth and white-knuckled from holding onto the front railing so tightly. 

I even feel like my roller coaster constantly goes backward (I don't do backward rides!).  I've taken so many steps forward - IUI, IVF, acupuncture, herbs, blood draws, ultrasounds, injections, etc., etc., etc. - but each step forward tends to bring me 5 steps back.  It's become painfully tedious.  Some days I awake with such strong feelings of hope and faith.  Thoughts of "it's our time" and "I will be a mom, I know I will!" flood my mind.  My scary roller coaster ride slows down and I can't help but to think that we'll reach the end soon.  But those days are few and far between.  The scary thoughts and questions of "will this ever work?", "will I ever have a biological child?" seem to take over much too quickly.  It's hard to push the worry and doubt aside.

My roller coaster ride is not yet over.  I want so badly for it to stop.  I want to get off this horribly painful and scary ride.  I want to exit the gate of the ride and run far, far, far away from this terrifying experience. 

I pray to God that this all ends soon. 

I pray to God that my miracle baby is on his/her way.

I pray to God that He gives me the strength to continue to hold on tightly until this roller coaster ride of infertility ends (prayerfully with a healthy baby in my arms).

I couldn't possibly end a post that mentions Disney World without adding a picture of my all-time favorite "No White"!

OK

I don't have much to say today, so I will just let my pins do the talking. This roller coaster of infertility brings upon many, many emotions - today I feel OK and I hope and pray this feeling sticks around for a long while.

In good times and in bad...

My husband was in a (beautiful) wedding this weekend and during the ceremony, I found myself drifting back to our wedding day almost three years ago.  As our friends exchanged their vows, all I could think of were ours - how we were so excited and eager to repeat word for word after the priest and ultimately say "I do".  It's funny though (it's actually not funny at all - I'm starting to really despise that phrase!), because not for a second during my wedding ceremony did I ever, in a million, trillion, gazillion years, think that today - almost three years later - I would still be baby-less, that my heart would be filled to the brim with pain and heartache and that the one thing I longed for pretty much my whole entire life would be so, so far out of my (and my husband's) reach.

I remember feeling so relieved when I got to the end (front?) of the aisle to meet my very soon-to-be husband.  I had been so anxious all day - and that anxiety instantly dissipated the second he took my hand in his.  We were giddy.  We were excited.  We were proud of ourselves for the hard work we put into making our wedding day come together.  We were (and are!) in love.  And because of all of our "I'm-too-excited-right-now-to-focus!" thoughts, I'm sure we both weren't really thinking too much about our priests' words of encouragement and advice as he spoke about what a marriage is and what a marriage should be - how we should be there for one another... in good times and in bad.

So, while I couldn't tell you exactly what the priest's message was to us that day, I do know the gist of it.  During our cereomy the priest had us each take a sip of wine, which tasted bitter yet sweet -and symbolized just that.  There will be sweet and happy times in our lives (such as our wedding day), but there will also be bitter and hard times in our lives (such has been the case for the past two years of dealing with infertility) and together, we will help eachother through the good, and through the bad times.  And this weekend while listening to the Justice of the Peace speak and deliver his own message to my dear friends, I was thankful for the reminder of our own message from our wedding day.  It left me teary eyed.



Because even though we've dealt with two years of heartache and pain, we've dealt with it together.  We've shared sweet times together and (alot of) not-so-sweet times together.  We've cried on one another's shoulder.  We've hugged and embraced every time we got bad news and each time, we held on to one another longer and tighter.  We've prayed together.  We will get through this somehow or another and while right now I have no idea how our infertility story will end, I'm beyond thankful that my husband is the man with whom I'm weathering this (really bad and really scary) storm.