To My Love

Dear Nick,

Today when you so lovingly grabbed the grocery list off the dining room table and went food shopping for us for the week, I hopped on the treadmill for a quick workout not even thinking about just how lucky I am to have you as my husband.  I normally workout to my "Today's Hits" Pandora station, but today I decided to pop in our wedding video instead, seeing as though on Wednesday we will celebrate three years of wedded bliss.

I LOVE watching our wedding video.  I love how it brings me back to that exact day... to those exact moments - when we exchanged our vows, wore the crowns that now hang above our bed, circled three times around the altar, were introduced for the first time as Mr. & Mrs., danced to our first song, cut our cake and so, so, so much more.  Every time I watch our video, a giant smile is plastered on my face.  True happiness comes back to me.  Happiness that I admittedly haven't felt in two years. 

For the past few weeks, I've had bittersweet emotions about our approaching Anniversary.  Of course, celebrating another three hundred and sixty five days as your wife is the sweet part.  But our Anniversary also marks yet another year that we're still just us - just you and me (and well, of course Belle, too!).  I'm embarrassed to admit that, this year, that's all I've focused on - what we don't have (a baby) and what we haven't accomplished (getting pregnant)...  Until now.

As I ran and watched as we danced our first dance, I saw the love in both of our eyes.  I felt the love in both of our hearts.  I saw our happiness - our true happiness.  I saw the love from our family and close friends there with us on that day (and I know that is here with us today, too, almost three years later).  Tears streamed down my face today as I watched us so joyously celebrating our marriage - I couldn't stop them.  Before I knew it, I was bawling as I ran.  Tears of happiness because I was remembering such an amazing day.  Tears of sadness because yes, I never would have imagined on that day, that almost three years later we'd still be baby-less.  But mostly, tears of sorrow because I am so sorry that I haven't been focusing on what I do have.  Because, I have you.  I have a best friend who has been there for me every single step of the way on this most difficult journey.  For every tear that I've shed, you've been there to wipe them away.  For every time I felt like I couldn't stand on my own two feet from the gut wrenching pain that a negative cycle causes, you've been there to hold me tight and to keep me from falling.  For every time I've wanted to lay in bed and skip making or eating dinner because sometimes depression rears its ugly head, you happily poured yourself a bowl of cereal.  For every time I've apologized because all of this is my fault, you quickly dismissed my apology and told me that we are in this together. 

You are an amazing person, my love.  You are kind, caring and loyal.  You are a good man and you love me even when I'm not so easy to even like.  I am beyond lucky for having you as my husband.  And while I sometimes feel very let down by God because of the cards that we've been dealt in terms of building our family together, I'll be forever grateful to Him for leading me to you - you are my everything.

I Love You, Nicholas.  And I always will.

Love,
Me