I know that when I write, I often say that this is one of the hardest parts of dealing with infertility. But the truth is, it's all hard. Every-single-part-of-it-is-hard. The feelings that you have of fear, worry, sadness, despair, jealousy, envy, anger and did I mention the sadness? All of that is hard. The announcements of others' pregnancies, the conversations about others' children and just seeing a stranger that's pregnant. All of that is hard, too. I'm having a very difficult time dealing with all of the hard things that infertility has, so unfairly, brought into my life. Forget feeling happy... I'm having a difficult time just feeling OK. Because I'm not OK. This is not OK.
Lately I've been going, going, going. I wake up, get ready for work (sometimes hop on the treadmill before showering), go to work, come home, eat (sometimes hop on the treadmill before or after dinner), go to a workout class or to acupuncture, come home and go to bed. I realize that this is most people's normal routine, but not mine. Usually, happy Aubrey, would go to work, come home, eat and relax. I'd lay on the couch and do nothing with Nick. And I loved it. Now, not even OK Aubrey, can just sit and relax. I don't even know what 'relax' is anymore. Even if I am laying on the couch doing nothing, my mind is going, going, going and thinking, thinking, thinking and worrying, worrying, worrying. If I keep busy, it helps my mind to focus on something else, even if just for an hour... until the pregnant woman chooses the matte next to me in my Barre workout class and because of her pregnancy, the instructor shows her modifications when we get to the abs series. You know, because she, for whatever reason, gets to be the lucky one who is blessed with that beautiful protruding belly UGH!
Last night after coming home from my workout class, my husband could just tell that I was in a mood. He knows why I'm moody nowadays and doesn't even have to ask. He'll say that he wishes he could do something, but we both know he can't. After all, he's not the reason any of this is happening. I'm the reason. Gulp. Another really hard part of dealing with infertility. We talked a little and I told Nick what was bothering me the most in that moment... I told him that if this doesn't eventually work, I will always feel unfulfilled. A life without a child... how is that purposeful? I mean, I'd get up, go to work, come home, eat and go to the gym. Every day. And that would be it? That's all? How is that fulfilling? Purposeful? How do people who have dealt with infertility, who never ended up finding success, deal with it? How do you move on? How do you feel OK again? Would you ever feel happy again? Truly happy?
8 hours ago