Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Who's the Culprit?

First, I just want to thank everyone for your support and mostly, for your understanding, as to my feelings after the comment made by 'that woman' last week.  I'll be honest: that comment hurt.  It hurt a lot.  Am I over-sensitive?  Yes, probably... and I know that.  But, the truth is, I get those comments very often and deep down I do understand why people (especially those who haven't suffered through infertility or who don't know anyone who has) ask that question, not realizing how deep their words can truly effect someone.  I get it.  But some days as an infertile, things just bother me more than they normally do, and that day I apparently wasn't reacting very well to my meds.

And well, speaking of my meds... which one of you is it?
Since starting Lupron and vivelle patches, I have literally had a splitting headache every single night as I lay down to go to bed and every morning as I open my eyes.  I can't figure out which one of these meds seem to be causing this mind numbing head throbbing... I've been on both Lupron and vivelle patches before and I most definitely do not recall this side effect.  I'm scheduled to increase the vivelle patches from one to four over the course of the next six days, so if my headaches worsen, then surely, it's from the vivelle (?).  Anyway, regardless of which one of these evil medications is causing my headaches, I do know this: they.are.horrible.  HORRIBLE, I say!  But, I'll gladly take on a constant headache if a baby is what comes from all of this.  Gladly! 

So, now, all of this leads me to my thoughts on my upcoming FET.  Oh.My.Goshhhhhh am I scared!  S-C-A-R-E-D.  Terrified, actually.  I just cannot imagine this turning out any other way than it has for every single one of my past IVF cycles.  An outcome with two lines is just unimaginable to me.  Unimaginable in every sense of the word.  I want to be positive about this, but I just don't know where to find that positivity, so instead I just try not to think about it at all.  And so, that's where I am.  I'm pretending that my FET isn't just right around the corner, because the fact that it's right around the corner means that I'll know if this worked pretty soon.  And again, that is terrifying.


Saturday, October 19, 2013

The Lady Who Ruined My Week

I have to get this off my chest... I just have to... so bare with me and my rant.

On Wednesday afternoon, my heart was crushed.  It doesn't take much these days for someone's words to hurt me to my core.  I'm sensitive as it is, but add in daily Lupron injections and those darn vivelle patches in preparation for my upcoming FET, and I'd say that anxious, stressed, tense and worried doesn't even come close to covering how I really feel. 

Anyway, I've mentioned before that my job requires me to meet with clients on a weekly basis.  This is always something that I have enjoyed doing - it's great that my job allows me to be out and about, talking to people (even if what we're talking about is boring old insurance).  But, over the past couple of years as infertility has burrowed its way deeper and further into my life, socializing isn't something that I'd say I enjoy... at all... especially with strangers.  Now, my clients aren't strangers per se, I do know these people, but they don't know me... not the real me.  They know me as Aubrey, the Client Executive, their contact for life and disability stuff.  They don't know what's going on in my life.  And they sure as heck don't see the pain in my eyes that is there every.single.day. 

So, as I mentioned, my heart felt like it was smashed into a million little pieces as I met with a new client on Wednesday afternoon.  This woman was very nice - we had a good, productive meeting - but when the insurance talk was over, we started to chit chat.  And that's when I always start to tense up... when it gets personal, because I know what's coming.  The woman started talking about her children... twins (I automatically think to myself, hmmm, I wonder if she suffered through infertility too?) and another younger child.  I could feel my heart beating faster.  And then it happened...

Do you have any children?
Ugh.  Even after two and a half years, I still, still, don't have a good answer to this question.  A simple No just doesn't seem to cut it... While my eyes are filling up with tears because of some stranger's inability to realize that you just don't ask this question to someone, that's all I can say, though.  So, I told this woman that no, I don't have any children.  To which she replied...
Oh yeah, you're too young.
And then, just like that, she was done.  She moved on to the next person in the room, my co-worker, who does have children.  I don't even know what she had asked him when I suddenly and quietly whispered I can't.  I don't think she heard me.  She was too far into her conversation with my co-worker about his children at that point (two that were born during the two and a half years that I've been trying for just one, mind you).  But it doesn't matter if she heard me or not.  As I said, my heart was crushed. 
You see, here's the thing... and it all goes back to thinking before you speak.  Would you ask someone who is bald if they have cancer just because they have no hair on their head?  I'm willing to bet that most of you are answering that question with a No.  So, then, how could you ask someone, just because they are a female who looks like she is of the child bearing age (whatever that means) if she has children?  I understand that this may seem like a normal question to ask - people have babies everyday, having a baby is what a woman is supposed to be able to do... I mean, what's the harm in asking someone if they have children, right?  Well... let's think about it:
1. That person might not want children.
2. That person might be trying (with all of their might, with all of their hope, their faith, and even their darn bank account) to get pregnant.
3. That person might not be able to.
4. That person might be pregnant with a donor's egg or sperm.
5. That person might be pregnant with their own egg and their partner's sperm and they haven't yet told anyone, you dummy!
As I drove home that afternoon, with tears streaming down my face and steam coming out of my ears from my anger, I realized that what really sent me over the edge wasn't necessarily her initial question asking me if I have children.  No, it was how she followed up to me letting her know that I don't have children - she said that I am too young.  What I wish I could have responded to her with is this: 'No lady, I'm not too young.  I am thirty one years old.  My husband and I have a lot of love to offer a baby, probably more than you could ever imagine.  We have good jobs and will be able to financially support a child.  We are not too young.  I am not too young.  But since you asked, as it turns out, I'm actually too old to have a baby.  Though I'm thirty one, my eggs are in their forties.  So, thanks for the reminder you big, fat, jerk!
Moral of the story: don't ask another woman if she has any children.  Just don't.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

It's a Sunshine-y Day

I've recently been nominated by two of my sweet blog friends, rainbeforerainbow and Donating Hope, for Sunshine Awards. This Award is given to bloggers whose posts brighten your day.

 Sunshine Award

The rules are as follows:

1. Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post
2. Link to the person who nominated you.
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself
4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award
5. Link your nominees and let them know they’ve been nominated.

So, without further adieu, here are my questions (and answers) from rainberforerainbow:

1) If you had to choose one person, other than your significant other, to live with for the rest of your life, who would you choose?
I would have to say, my sister.  She's my best friend (if you don't include Belle) second in line to Nick.

2) What is one skill/talent you’ve always wished you had?
I wish I could run.  I know that if I worked at it, I could do it, but I wish it came easy to me.  I wish I were one of those people who enjoyed it.  Who, when they have a bad day, they go for a run to clear their mind.  Ha!  If I were one of those people, I'd be a stick... Infertility causes you to need to clear your mind quite frequently.  And since I'm not a runner, I just let trashy TV do that for me :) 

3) What would you say is your signature recipe? If you don’t have one, what’s your favorite thing to cook/bake?
Anything sweet... cookies, cupcakes, brownies, cakes... Mmmmm!  I love to bake, but sadly haven't donned my apron in what feels like eons. Try to find a cookie/cupcake recipe sans chocolate!  I've scoured Pinterest and anything that looks remotely delicious is something that has some sort of chocolate in the list of ingredients (now, don't go thinking that this has caused me to eat any healthier... because, instead of eating the chocolate-y goodies that I normally bake, I literally just came home from the drug store (to buy baby aspirin for my FET prep) with three... yes three... bags of candy (swedish fish, sour watermelons and cherry twizzler bites).

4) What occupation seems like the last thing on Earth you’d want to do?
This is a great question... Normally people ask you what job you'd want to have if you could do anything at all, but something I would not want to do?  Hm, does insurance (my current job) count?  Just kidding... sort of.  I guess I'd have to say anything that's outside and in the cold.  So how about a ski instructor... I'd hate that.  I can't stand being outside when it's cold.  I love being INside when it's cold - where there's hot chocolate (see, there I go with chocolate again!) and a fire.  So basically, I could be someone that serves hot chocolate at the ski lodge, but I sure as heck could not be the ski instructor (plus, I don't know how to ski, so there's that, too!).

5) What was your best subject in high school?
Francais - hence, the reason I decided on that as my major in college.  My company is actually a Canadian company, so sometimes general e-mails are sent in both French and English... and I get giddy (because I can normally pick out at least one or two French words... yes, I have lost most, if not all, of my French speaking/reading skills).

6) If you could create a holiday, when would it be and what would it signify/celebrate?
My holiday would be a day to celebrate the fact that infertility no longer exists in this world (wouldn't that be nice?!).  It would specifically be for all of us, who have so unfairly had to deal with infertility's horribleness.  We wouldn't have to work, cook, do laundry or do much of anything on that day.  Basically it would be like Mother's Day, but for those of us who so sadly had to deal with all of the terrible side effects from dealing with infertility for so long.  Aubrey for President!

7) If you could, what one illness/disease would you cure?
Cancer. Definitely cancer. Every single kind of cancer. I've heard some really sad things lately and it makes my heart bleed for so many people out there whose lives have been affected by this horrible disease. Life can be so unfair.

Infertility, of course, and ALS would be close seconds.

8) What movie makes you cry?
Beaches. LOVE that movie.
But honestly, everything makes me cry. I cried just last week watching the 'Farewell to Finn' episode of Glee.
9) Other than your SO, who is the hottest person on the planet?
I totally have a thing for Jake Gyllenhaal.  LOVE him!  And I totally thought Reese Witherspoon was crazy for kicking him to the curb!

10) List one of your favorite quotes, and why it means something to you.
Jeremiah 29:11.  I've carried this verse around with me for years.  Reading it or hearing it just soothes my soul.  It helps me to believe that God will come through for me in my journey of infertility.  It helps me to have hope and faith in Him.  I pray that this verse will have even more meaning to me someday very soon.

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And now, here are my questions (and answers) from Donating Hope:

1) Sweet or savory?
Sweet, sweet, sweet. I'm currently unable to eat chocolate in preparation for my FET and I've never craved a single M&M more in my life. Not being able to eat chocolate during the Halloween season is so hard (and don't even get me started on not being able to drink coffee (not even decaf) during the pumpkin spice latte season... it's so sad)!

2) What is your favorite season and why?
I love them all, but my favorite would have to be winter.  It's just special.  Nick and I got married in February, so the winter reminds me of that extremely amazing day in our lives :)


3) Favorite Bible verse or inspirational quote?
Jeremiah 29:11 (see question 10 above)

4) Favorite outdoor activity?
I'm stumped. I'm not really an outdoors-y person.

5) Favorite indoor activity?
Does nothing count? Or, does snuggling with my little Linky Loo count? Because that's my most favorite thing to do. Snuggle with my pup.

6) Any book recommendations?
Nope. Sadly, I have no time to read. I barely have time to read all of your blogs these days. So sad. My job stinks. But, I want to read this.

7) Do you dye your hair?  If so, why and do you remember your natural hair color?
Ohhh yes - I've dyed my hair with blonde highlights since my Senior year of high school. I slowly but surely added more and more highlights that, over the years, became lighter and lighter. Recently, I dyed my hair back to my natural color, though, and I'm LOVING it. I've had to do one full-head dye since then because the color faded quite a bit half way down my head. I may do a full-head dye again, but before I have a bunch of chemicals painted on the top of my head, I'm waiting to see if CCRM will be able to work a miracle for me.  Hopefully I'll have really crappy hair color for the next year or so!
8) Any tattoos? If so, what is the significance behind them?
No tattoos... But if I were to get one I'd get a very simple, very plain and very small (like, the size of my pinky nail) cross on the front, fleshy part of my hand in between my thumb and pointer finger or right above my ankle.

9) What has been the most significant moment/realization of your journey to parenthood this year?
Two things: 1.) I'm strong. Stronger than I ever imagined possible (though, it's funny, because most days I don't feel strong.  I feel so much weakness on a daily basis as I battle infertility) and 2.) I will never, EVER, not think before I speak again. Truly. I've been so let down by so many people since learning of my inability to get pregnant.  Much of the reason I've been let down is simply because of others' words.  Words can be so hurtful, even when they're not intended to be... Hence, the reason for the good ole saying "think before you speak."

10) What are you hoping to find under the tree this Christmas?
Anything baby related, because I pray to God that Santa will actually have a reason to shove some onesies, binkies, blankies, etc. down my chimney this year.  But, if baby related items are the last thing I'll want to see come December, then I'll settle for a michele watch (I've been eyeing these for months!) or a right hand ring (I keep telling Nick I'll wait for this until I have a baby... but that's getting old...).  A girl can dream, right?!
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OK, here are the bloggers whom I've nominated for the Sunshine Award:
And here are my questions for YOU!
1) Why do you blog, and will you continue to blog when (I'm being positive for ALL of you!!) you get pregnant/have a baby(ies)?
2) What do you do for work (I'm always curious to know what everyone does all day long!)?
3) What would you say is the best piece of advice for someone who is just beginning their journey in the land of infertility?
4) What would you say is the best piece of advice for someone who is not going through infertility, but who doesn't know what to say to someone who is?
5) What is the item of clothing you want to buy most for this fall season?
6) What is your biggest pet peeve?
7) If you won the lottery, what would be the FIRST thing you'd do?
8) What is your middle name?
9) Where would you live if you could move to anywhere you wanted in the whole wide world?
10) How many siblings do you have - are you the youngest, middle child, oldest or an only child?
Ready... Set... Go!
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