Tuesday, December 30, 2014

A, B, and 3

I know it has been months since I last posted.  That wasn't intentional, really, it wasn't.  I just - - - have been busy.  And I feel so silly for even writing or saying that because, everyone's busy.  Especially this time of year.  My busyness is a good thing.  It's something I longed for and prayed for... and I sometimes feel like I have to pinch myself because I just still can't believe that this - - - this is my life.

Back in November, we had the boys' Baptism.  It was a wonderful day.  The boys fulfilled a dream of mine and wore gowns that my aunt graciously offered to make out of my wedding gown.  On the drive to the church, I mentioned to Nick how I wasn't feeling so well - the excitement of the day ahead had gotten to my belly. 

A couple of weeks later, we finally moved into our new house.  I had major anxiety over this.  I had gotten so used to the extra four hands that were those of my parents.  After spending three months living with my mom and dad, I suddenly felt nervous about whether or not Nick and I could do it without them (blame it on the new mom guilt!).  Before we moved into our new house (only two weeks ago), we had some work done on the interior - we had mostly all of the rooms painted, and had new carpet installed in the bedrooms.  During this time, that unsettled feeling in my belly that I felt on the boys' Baptism day hadn't really dissipated. 

One night, I received a private Facebook message from a high school friend.  We haven't seen each other more than maybe a handful of times since we graduated high school 14 years ago, but have always been connected through social media.  In one of her messages to me, she mentioned how her sister, who has twin daughters, found out she was pregnant with her third daughter only 8 weeks after her twins were born.  It was that message that made me think about the unsettled feeling in my belly that I couldn't quite shake.  And then I thought about the last period I had and how it was just... well, funny.  It wasn't 'normal', but was more like a week of constant spotting.  A week where I was convinced it'd arrive any day.  But it never did.  And I honestly didn't think much of it, given I had just had the boys only 6 months ago.  Surely it takes some time for things to get back on track, right? 

Well... I decided to pick up a pregnancy test on the off-chance that I would be a medical mystery.  I didn't even tell Nick.  I was so sure it wouldn't be positive, because, it never had been in the past (except that one time).  One of the best RE's in the country told me that I really didn't even have a chance at all of becoming pregnant with my own eggs the old fashioned way... That I only had a 25% chance of conceiving at all, and that was with IVF.  A chance I'm so glad we took. 

At this point, I'm sure you can tell where this is going, and what that pregnancy test showed... two lines.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

So.  Yes.  I'm pregnant (!!!!!!!).  And no, I still can't believe it.  And yes, it's a blessing.  A miracle.  A total, complete miracle.  One that I never, ever, in a million, trillion, quadrillion years, would have thought would happen to me.  I mean, I already had thoughts of returning to Colorado sometime after the boys' first birthday for a potential FET.  

Along with all of my excitement for this completely unexpected news, also comes the hard stuff.  First up: sharing this news here.  I have to be honest and tell you that a part of me feels like 'why me and not her?'.  I already have my two miracles, whom I waited so long for.  My heart aches for those of you who are still waiting, and now, it seems to ache even more.  I feel as I though I should have told some of you already... But I just couldn't.  I have become a horrible post-infertility friend.  One of my biggest hopes is for all of you to have an ending to your story that's as happy as mine.  Second: I'm sick.  Again.  It wasn't fun the first time and it's not fun this time, either.  It might be less fun this time, if I'm being honest!  Along with the nausea comes the overwhelming feeling of 'am I a bad mom?'.  Some days I'm so sick that I have to put both boys in their exersaucers that are facing Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood on the TV, which we sometimes have on repeat- just so I can run to the bathroom to heave... Over and over again.  Also, those ideas and dreams of puréeing my boys' solid foods from organic fruits and veggies?  Ha.  Out the window.  At least Gerber sells an organic variety.  Third: and then there's work.  Ugh.  A full-time, high-stress job, plus being a mama of two, soon-to-be three is just tough.  It was tough the day I returned from maternity leave, and it hasn't gotten much easier.  And then there's the worst thing.  By far, the worst thing.  Fourth: after having my initial doctor's appointment, I had the normal panel of blood drawn and tested.  Expecting everything to be fine, I was shocked when I got a call from my doctor.  Apparently, I have elevated Kell antibodies.  Go ahead and Google it- there's not a whole heck of a lot about this out there... It's extremely rare.  My doctor said I could thank my husband for it, but I told him there's no way... At CCRM we were both tested for antibodies and we were both negative for everything.  It was then when my doctor asked me if I had ever had a blood transfusion - I did.  Two - after hemorrhaging severely almost immediately after I delivered the boys.  Apparently that's the reason I developed these elevated antibodies.  I now will be seen by an MFM throughout my pregnancy.  My first meeting with the high risk doctor is next Friday.  From what I understand, this could be bad for the baby and potentially may mean several intra-uterine blood transfusions.  Oh, and also- my doctor has already warned me of pre-term delivery.  Gulp.  My heart sank when I heard that.  I JUST went through that with the boys.  It was horrible... And I was one of the lucky ones.  We only endured 17 and 22 days in the NICU.  We had healthy babies, who really just needed monitored time while learning to breathe on their own, and how to eat.  I know it can be much, much worse than that.  And that scares me.  And speaking about what scares me?  My own health.  To say I delivered the boys in the most unnatural way, would be an understatement.  And then, I essentially had every complication you could have post-delivery.  It wasn't easy, that's for sure.  And for quite a few days after having the babies, I was scared... Not for theirs, but for my own life.

I'm counting every day that's given to me as a miracle, a true blessing.  This baby #3 has shocked us to our core.  A shock in the most wonderful of ways.  My family and I believe wholeheartedly that God is looking down from above, telling me to never, ever, doubt him again.  For He works miracles.  And as of tonight- I have proof of three.

I promise to try and update as much as possible.  Please know that, while I am definitely posting less, and commenting more sporadically, I am still here!  I am reading your updates and you are all never far from my mind!  XO

Monday, October 20, 2014

Thoughts from up in the air...

I'm currently posting from 30-something thousand feet in the air.  My first business trip post babies.  Gulp.  I've dreaded this day since before my return to work.  But here I am sitting on a plane headed to Chicago... with so many thoughts swirling around in my head.  So bare with me as I know this post will most certainly be all over the place.

First up: blogging.  Clearly, I've been horrible at finding time to write.  I have so much that I want to document in this space of mine, but I'm struggling.  I'm struggling first and foremost with just finding the time to sit down and type out my thoughts.  When I'm not working, I'm enjoying every single second with my boys.  When they're sleeping, I'm juggling everything else that needs to get done: laundry, bottle washing, baptism planning, and trying to figure out and plan for our upcoming move (yay! We bought a house!!).  Basically, I'm busy and blogging has taken a back seat.  I'm busy with everything I have ever wanted, and I often wonder how the rest of you full-time working mamas find time for everything!  But in addition to my days being so wonderfully filled with so much to do, I still can't figure out what I want to do with blogging.  It's been a constant struggle deciding where I want to take Two Hearts and One Dream.  I can't seem to find it in me to blog much about life after infertility.  So, stay tuned...

On another note, please tell me working moms... Does it get better?  Does it get easier?  Do you eventually find time to do things like shower and wash your hair?! Does the guilt of not being with your babies eventually go away?  I'm having a tough time... I'm trying to keep it together, but I will be honest... I'd MUCH rather be with my babies day in and day out.  Yes, I'm lucky that the boys are with Papa Tank.  Yes, I'm lucky that I work from home when not on the road (or in the air) and at meetings.  But, this transition has not been easy on me.  I know, at the end of the day, I have to work.  I don't have a choice.  I am thankful to have a job that allows me to help support our family.  A job that helped us buy a house and will allow us to provide for our little guys, who we so prayed for... But it's still hard.  The hardest part lately has been that come five o'clock, Austin and Camden have HAD IT!  They are fussy.  They are tired.  They want a 'bot-bot' and want to go to bed!  They aren't interested in smiling and playing with mommy and daddy after a day of fun with their Papa.  It breaks my heart a little, to be honest.  I'm praying that we will all feel a bit more comfortable with our routine as the days and weeks continue to pass...

Life is funny.  It's wonderful these days for me, even though I'm a working mom who may or may not have washed her hair in three to five days!  My heart has never been so full and I have never felt so blessed.  I truly feel like the luckiest person in the world.  I can honestly say that I have everything I had ever hoped for.  It's almost unbelievable how much life can change in a year.  My heart is still with so many of you who are waiting to be able to say what I've just written.  I often ask myself why I was chosen as one of the lucky ones, and I sometimes find myself just waiting for it to all fall apart again (don't forget, I'm a natural-born pessimist).  I'm not sure how much my infertility journey, the boys' birth story, and then my recovery, has hit me just yet.  I've found myself flipping through hospital and NICU pictures a lot lately and I truly feel luckier with every passing day.  I am lucky to be alive today.  I am lucky to be the mom to two of the most amazing, beautiful and  prayed-for baby boys.  I know that life can be hard.  I know that every day won't be (and isn't) peaches and cream.  But I know where I was a year ago today.  I remember that pain, that hurt, and that desire to become a mom more than anything in this world.  And here I am today....

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Coming to an end

My four month maternity leave is coming to an end.  And I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown over it.  Now, I know that I am extremely, extremely lucky to have taken so much time off from work in the first place, but it's still so difficult thinking about having to return in just over a week.  I am beyond grateful for my dad's help upon my return and it soothes my aching heart to know that my boys' days will be filled with more love than I could have ever hoped for during my working hours.  But still... my heart aches.  I'm trying to change my thought process so that every time I think about the hours I will be away from my boys, I instead think about all of the things we'll be able to do because of the paycheck I'll be receiving every other week.  I guess it helps.  A little. 

I knew from the very beginning that me returning to work would be in the cards for our family.  It was much easier said than done during the years that we were trying to conceive.  Then it happened - I got pregnant (!!!! Praise the Lord!!!!), and I was still OK with the fact that I knew I'd be returning to work once the boys arrived and I exhausted my leave.  But when my little three pound preemies arrived, my heart started aching immediately over the thought of returning to work.  Once we had a plan in place to move back to my home state (and in with my parents until we find a house of our own), I was able to put most of my worry aside.  But now that October 6th is so soon upon us, I feel like I'm walking around in a giant ball of anxiety.  Ahhhh!!!! 

So, I ask you working moms... How do you do it?!  Seriously... how do you turn your mind off from Mama to whatever your profession is?  Or do you never turn off your Mama brain?  And if that's the case, how do you add anything else in?  I can't even imagine being able to give my job my full attention.  I know it's possible... So many of you out there are doing it every day, but I just still feel like it's going to be impossible.  I don't want to be away from my babies... My little boys who I fought so long and hard for, who I delivered 7 weeks early, who I already had to spend time away from when they were born and in the NICU.  My.heart.aches!

On another note - we are officially no longer residents of Massachusetts!  Nick is finishing up his last week of work in Boston and will be with us here in Connecticut full-time come Friday.  He has next week off from work before starting his new job on October 6th (my return to work date).  I'm so thankful that we will be able to spend a week together as a family before we both resume our roles in the working world.  I plan to soak up every single second!


Friday, September 5, 2014

Where We've Been

Wow, it's been a while.  Our days have been hectic and crazy in the most wonderful of ways.  I hadn't intended for so much time to pass since my last post (and I promise to catch up on all of yours!), but here we are in September and on my boys' three month Birthday (WHAT?!?!)! 
I still haven't quite figured out where this little ole blog will take me.  I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with it... and truthfully how often I'll have time to share all of the happenings in our lives.  In the meantime, though, let me fill you in on what's been going on!

First - this happened!!!
We are moving!  In two weeks!!  When I came home from the hospital (with my boys still there), I had MAJOR anxiety about returning to work in October.  It was literally overtaking my every thought.  I couldn't stand it.  We hadn't yet figured out daycare for the boys and I just couldn't wrap my mind around my little, teeny-tiny preemies being dropped off at a center, or leaving them with a Nanny while I was traveling (truth is, I am pro-daycare and know that at some point, my boys will be in some sort of daycare - just not now, not yet).  My heart just about exploded with worry as to what we were going to do.  Ultimately, it was decided that we would move to Connecticut so that my dad, Papa Frank (or, Tank, as he likes to be called!) could watch them... all day, five days a week (he's a Saint and the best Papa out there!!).  And speaking of Saints... my husband is one as well.  Nick has known for years that my heart was aching to move home to the area where I grew up.  Having children of my own cemented that desire in my heart.  Couple my desire with my dad's offer to watch our boys and well... it was a done deal.  Our house was listed on a Thursday evening and on the following Monday we accepted an offer.  It has all moved incredibly fast and as you can imagine, in between caring for my little loves, I've been (trying to) pack, organize and everything else that comes along with selling a house.  It's been c-r-a-z-y!  Soon, we'll be settled in with my parents while we look for a house of our own.  Nick is in the final stages of interviews (fingers crossed something will work out!) and I'm fortunate enough in that my job allows for our relocation. 

Oh and speaking of my job... I have started to worry, really worry, about going back.  I just can't imagine devoting my mind all day to something other than my babies.  I don't know how you working Mamas out there do it, I really don't!  I still have about a month left of maternity leave and I'm trying my best to savor every single moment.  Perhaps my blog will turn into chronicles of a working Mom?  We shall see!

I'll leave you with some pictures of my little cherubs, though they're not so little anymore!  Austin is in the 92nd percentile for weight at 12.9 pounds and Camden is in the 88th percentile for weight at 12.3 pounds.  I sure am one proud Mama! 

Thank you Suzanne for the adorable onesies!  We love them!

Papa Tank refers to the boys as Texas (Austin) and New Jersey (Camden)


Thursday, July 10, 2014

It Gets Me Every Single Time...

I just watched the season finale of Giuliana and Bill (a few weeks late) and as I sit here in tears, I'm reminded of my journey... and specifically, my journey of cycling at CCRM (all while I listen to my two miracle babies cooing in the pack n' play next to me... And that makes me cry even more!).  In this episode, G & B learned that, while everything went perfectly, their Gestational Carrier is not pregnant.  Their single embryo transfer did not work.  Cue the biggest lump in my throat.  You might be asking yourself, why is she so emotional over these celebrities who already have a miracle baby from a prior cycle?... Well, it's because this episode reminded me, in an instant, just how differently my story could have played out.

I know the feeling of receiving that dreaded call.  The call where the doctor is on the other end of the line telling you that you're not pregnant.  That you won't be having a baby in 9 months.  That, yet again, you will cry yourself to sleep, grieve, feel more anger than you knew ever existed deep within your soul.  I experienced seven of those calls before receiving the call that would forever change my life.  I still don't know how I had the strength to keep fighting.  To keep working toward what would become my sweet Austin and my sweet Camden.  Where did that strength come from?  How did I put it all on the line over and over and over again?  And how do so many of you do that, too?

CCRM: Retrieval #1
CCRM: Retrieval #2
I don't know that I will ever have the answer to how I did it... but wow... I'm glad I did.  I'm glad that I fought as hard as I did.  I'm glad that I put all of my faith and trust in God's hands as he worked wonders through the mind and hands of the magnificent Dr. Schoolcraft.  And as he worked wonders through my amazing nurse, the brilliant embryologists and everyone else who had a hand in my journey at CCRM.  I will be eternally grateful for everyone who had a part in every single step of my journey through infertility.

CCRM: Post Transfer
Because of them, I am sitting here, where I am today.  I am living my dream.  They are my dream:

Saturday, July 5, 2014


Austin and Camden are one month old today.  How the heck did that happen?!  My sweet little 3lb 11oz and 3lb 14oz babies are now just over 5lbs each and have been here for four weeks already.  I don't even have the words to describe the emotions that I've felt since the evening of June 5th when our sweet baby boys were finally brought into this world.  I am so incredibly blessed, grateful, happy and thankful.  I am a Mom.  A Mom to two of the most amazing little people in the world.  Wow!

Thursday, July 3, 2014

(Sort of) Figuring it all out...

I truly hadn't meant to take such a long hiatus from blogging.  I guess I hadn't meant for much to happen that actually did the past (almost) month (holy moly, it's almost been a MONTH?!).  I didn't expect to go to my doctor's appointment two days shy of 33 weeks and to not return home again until I became a Mom (wow, I'm a Mom!).  I didn't expect to spend only two nights in the hospital prior to delivering my sweet boys.  I didn't expect for my platelet count to remain low (even after a platelet transfusion), resulting in the inability to have an epidural.  I didn't expect for the magnesium sulfate to kick my butt so hard that I wasn't able to deliver vaginally, sans an epidural.  I surely didn't expect to give birth to my babies via C-section under general anesthesia without my husband by my side.  And I really, really, didn't expect to be unable to see my babies for a whole 24 hours after they were brought into this world.  Wow, it's so emotional and I feel a lump in my throat from just typing all of that.
But... I also didn't expect to feel the love that I do for two, just-over-five-pound babies.  Oh the love... The love is indescribable.  It's more than I ever imagined possible.  More than I ever knew possible.  My love for my sons is so strong that it hurts.  But it hurts in such a good way.

Austin and Camden spent the first days of their lives in the NICU.  Camden, Baby B, came home after 17 days and Austin joined us after 22 days.  A little after three weeks from their birth, we finally became a family under one roof and my life felt complete.  Chaotic, but complete.  My heart was (and is) finally full.  I finally, finally, have what I've always wanted...  What I had begged and pleaded God for... a family... a baby... And I got TWO! 
Life at home with two is both tougher and more wonderful than I'm able to express here in writing.  We were blessed to have the help of my parents for quite some time.  My mom was with me since the day before the babies arrived and only left this past week.  Now that was tough... saying good-bye.  Here comes that lump in my throat again... oh boy!  Nick has four weeks off from work, though, and for that I'm so grateful!  While we're a bit sleep deprived on most days, we also feel like we're doing an OK job.  The babies are eating, sleeping, peeing and pooping all day every day and on top of that they get lots of mommy and daddy snuggles.  They've both gained weight and have received great reports from their pediatrician visits to date.  So far, so good I suppose?

I definitely doubt myself on a daily basis, wondering if I'm a good Mom.  I ask my husband and my Mom regularly if they think I'm doing a good job.  Perhaps much of that doubt is related to post pregnancy hormones?  Whatever it is, the doubt is there but so is the love and the love absolutely outweighs the doubt. 
As I sit here typing, I'm not sure where I want this post, or this blog, to go.  My babies will be one month old on Saturday and I cannot believe it - a month!  Four weeks!  What?!  How did that happen?!  I never envisioned myself as a mommy blogger writing about my children and life as a mother.  This blog may very well turn into that... someday.  But for now, I'm much too busy doubting myself, loving my boys and trying to keep up with their laundry to do much else.  So, bear with me and together we will see where Two Hearts and One Dream goes (I so admire all of you moms out there who find the time to blog and to do anything else other than feeding babies and changing diapers!!).
Thank you all for your love, support, encouragement and prayers.  I wouldn't be here, where I am today, without all of you!  XOXO

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Update: Mommy, Austin & Camden

Just a very quick update to let you all know how things are with me and my boys.  Before I do that, though, thank you all so much for your concern, thoughts and prayers since my most recent update last week- it has meant the world to me.

My C section ended up needing to be under general anesthesia as I could not have an epidural due to my low platelets.  I had gone in to see my doctor on Tuesday the 3rd and it was then that we discovered I had severe pre eclampsia- my blood pressure was extremely high and I had  4+ protein in my urine.  For the next 24 hrs before the C section, I was told that I had to be on bedrest and was given the evil drug via IV, Magnesium Sulfate (to lower the chance of seizures), which was more than horrible (as so many of you know)!  It was then when I realized I had only one option: A C section underal general anesthesia.  There was no confirmation of any sort as to how long or short induction would take and given I would have had to have been on the Mag for the entire time pre-delivery, I knew there was no way... No other option... These boys would come into the world, really, with neither me nor their father being present.  Ouch.  That is still hard to process.  Additionally, I knew that I would have to be on the Mag again for 24 hrs after the C section, which would result in me not being able to see my babies for a full day/24 hours post delivery- regardless of what decision I made.

After the delivery, I had severe hemorrhaging and lost a lot of blood, which lead to me needing to have blood transfusions. Then I developed an ileus – when your intestines are paralyzed -  and could not eat anything, but only drink clear liquids. Thankfully, that has slowly gotten a little better.  I am now on 2 different Blood Pressure medications and am hoping that those are what I needed to kick start my recovery into high gear.  I am looking at a possible discharge date of as soon as tomorrow.  The boys may be staying put, however, for a few more weeks.

I never knew such love existed until I met Austin George and Camden Frank.  I never realized how there had always been two huge puzzle pieces missing from my heart that have now been so perfectly filled-in by these two little miracle boys. 

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

My New Address

Wow, my how things can change SO quickly.  I am currently residing at a hospital in downtown Boston.  I had come in yesterday for a last minute OB appointment and boy am I glad I did!  After my appointment with the Hematologist last week, it was decided that I would sneak in an extra OB appointment this week just to monitor my BP, which had for whatever reason, registered high (for me) in the Hematologist's office.  So, in I went yesterday afternoon and I'm still here this morning... And I will probably still be here until I officially become a mom.

My BP was elevated yesterday, but more concerning was the amount of protein that was measured in my urine.  Apparently they normally see someone with amounts in the 0-point-something range.  Mine?  Mine came back at NINE-POINT-SOMETHING!  So with that, my OB sent me to Triage in Labor and Delivery and after several hours of monitoring I was admitted to the hospital.  I had the first of the two beta methasone injections to promote the babies' lung development and I will have the second tonight.  

I slept horribly last night, which I suppose is to be expected.  All sorts of emotions are running through my heart and mind right now.  I know I'm in the best place possible for me and the babies right now, but it's still just very overwhelming.  Thank The Lord, my miracle babies are doing great, it's more Mommy's body that seems to be shutting down.  I've been reassured that nothing I did or didn't do could have caused this, but it's impossible for your mind not to wander there...

I'm praying that I can be kept safe for as long as possible so that these sweet boys can continue to grow and develop.

I will update as much and as soon as I'm able.  In the meantime, please hold us in your prayers.  

UPDATE: the thought now is that I do not  have ITP.  Rather, the doctors feel that my low platelet count is a sign of pre-eclampsia.  Thus, the goal at this point is to make it 24 hours from tonight when I have my last beta methasone injection and then schedule a possible induction for tomorrow night or Friday morning.  Everything is being played by ear at this point... We won't know until we know, which has this Type A, over emotional Mama on pins and needles.  It's highly unlikely, that even with the daily steroids, my platelets will increase enough for me to have an epidural.  So, vaginal without a spinal is what we are shooting for (God help me) with the understanding that should I need a c-section, I will be in an OR ready for general anesthesia at a moment's notice.  I can't even BEGIN to process this...

Monday, June 2, 2014

Babies Bump and 32 Week Update

32 Weeks Looks Like This:

How far along:  The above picture was taken at 32 weeks and 3 days. 
Total weight gain?  I'm still up 42lbs and boy oh boy am I feeling that extra weight!
Maternity clothes?  YES!
Stretch marks?  Still none.... yay!
Sleep:  I still have the blocked nostril issue.  But once I've fallen asleep, it's wonderful... Until I wake up for the every two hours bathroom breaks :)
Best moment this week:  I'm officially on leave from work and that has by far been the best moment of this 32nd week!  I had been plugging away just fine with my job.  I'm lucky in that, aside from client meetings, I get to work from home (which, lets face it, since finding out I was pregnant I would work from my couch rather than from my home office!).  My job, however, comes with a lot of stress.  And I'm not a very laid back person so the normal stress turns into uber-stress for someone like me.  Anyhow, over the past couple of weeks I've really been feeling the stress in other ways, i.e. my severe cramping.  I started noticing the cramping while driving to meetings, while presenting at meetings and while rushing home to my computer to answer all of the e-mails that had come in while I was out of the office.  I mentioned this to my doctor and she said she'd support what I thought was best.  At that time, I figured I could get through the next two weeks, at least, and then re-visit the work situation at my next appointment.  Well, that was until I received a phone call about a platelet issue that I have.  I had my blood drawn at a recent appointment for a total blood count.  The last time I had this done was for my gestational diabetes screening and at that time, my platelet number came back just a little lower than what's considered the normal range (the lowest end of the normal range is 150 and mine came back at 140).  Because of this, it was decided that I would have them re-checked.  Well, this time, my platelet count came back at 61.  So, with that, I was referred to a Hematologist.  In speaking with my OB and also the Hematologist, with whom I met on Thursday, I learned that the problem with this low platelet issue is that should I need to have a C-section (which is very possible with a twin pregnancy), my platelet count would have to be at least 80 in order to have an epidural.  If my platelet count were not above 80, then I'd have to deliver the babies under general anesthesia.  If a C-section were not needed, then I'd have to deliver vaginally with no epidural what-so-ever.  I know that is something that is not impossible and if I had to do it, I guess I could.  I just always thought that an epidural is the way I'd go since becoming pregnant.  So, with all that being said, I'm now on a treatment plan to hopefully increase my platelet count to at least over 80 for my delivery date.  I'm currently taking an oral steroid tablet every morning.  I will be monitored closely in Boston so that my dosage can be increased, if necessary (the one good thing about taking the steroids is that, if the babies come early, it could help to promote their lung development).  If the steroid plan doesn't work, then another treatment would be to have the IVIg blood infusions.  Once I deliver, I'll be followed by the Hematologist to see if this was all just a fluke/symptom from a twin pregnancy, or, if I'll need to be monitored for this condition further.  Most importantly, the babies are OK.  But needless to say, with all of this extra stress, it was decided that I will no longer be working so that I can focus on myself, my babies and now also all of my extra doctor's appointments until delivery.  I can't tell you the weight that not working has already lifted from my shoulders.
Miss anything?  I really don't.  I feel like my life is as full as it has ever been.  Typing that takes my breath away because not too long ago, I never imagined true happiness being something that would present in my life ever again.  Oh my heart.  Sometimes this is all just a bit too overwhelming.  Where I came from to where I am today.  The only explanation is God.  God's hands were all over these two miracles from before they were even embryos.  They are lucky, lucky boys.
Movement:  My boys are still very active.  Their movement is visible to the naked eye and I love every second of their kicks and nudges!
Food cravings:  I think I've officially entered the stage of not even wanting to eat.  I constantly feel full because of the lack of room in my stomach and even if I do feel hungry I can't figure out what it is that I want to eat.  Add gestational diabetes into that equation and eating stinks!
Anything make you queasy or sick?  Still nothing in particular, but anything can still do the trick.  a side effect of the steroids is to have a queasy stomach, so I'm really hoping that my dosage won't have to be increased.  I've had enough of the nausea during the first four months of this pregnancy!
Gender:  LOVE my Boys!
Labor Signs:  None.  Unless you count the cramping I've been having.  At my last appointment, my cervix was still long and closed, proving that the cramping has not started any sort of dilation.  Let's hope things stay that way for at least another 4, 5 or even 6 weeks!
Symptoms:  The same…. linea nigra, some ligament pain on my left side in my hip/upper leg area, nasal congestion, restlessness, some back pain, the weird "rash" on the palm of my hands, general discomfort, sore and swollen feet, lower uterine cramping....
Belly button in or out?  In.  But I just might have an outtie soon!
Wedding rings on or off?  Off.
Looking forward to:  An upcoming week of relaxation and no work.  I have a follow up appointment with the Hematologist and I'm curious to see what a week's worth of the steroid has done (or hasn't done).

Here are some other pictures from week 32 that I want to be sure to have documented:

Ready for babies!  I made an appointment at the local fire department for a Firefighter to install both seats in my car.  While there is now absolutely no room in my back seat, I just love, love, love seeing these little infant seats every time I get in my car to go somewhere.  Totally warms my heart!
Also, I had recently bought two little going home outfits for the boys but knew I wanted to have special hats made for them, so onto Etsy I went... Shannon from Little Buttercup Baby made me these two adorable hats and they arrived this weekend.  They're perfect and are just what I was looking for (they look so big in this picture but really are so tiny)!
I laid the hats out next to their outfits and Miss Queen B(elle) had to inspect everything herself.  Luckily, she gave us her stamp of approval!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Babies Bump and 30 & 31 Week Update


How far along:  The above pictures were taken at 30 weeks 3 days and 31 weeks 5 days. 
Total weight gain?  As of my doctor's appointment today, I am up 42 lbs.
Maternity clothes?  Yes, yes, and yes.  When I'm home I typically am in sweats, when I go out, all I wear are maxi skirts and for work... I have one dress left that fits.  Thankfully, I only have two work meetings left to attend!
Stretch marks?  Still none... and I really don't know how that's even possible at this point!
Sleep:  Oh sleep... I miss you.  One nostril is still completely blocked every night and turning from side to side makes me feel like I ran a marathon.  And forget trying to get out of bed - that's a feat in and of itself!
Best moment this week:  I watched the most recent episode of Giuliana and Bill (last week's episode) recently and was literally overcome with emotion.  They were in Denver for an appointment with Dr. Schoolcraft and also attended his ball which raises money for infertility research.  During that particular segment of the show, Giuliana thanked Dr. Schoolcraft for giving them her son.  It just stuck with me and made me tear up.  It's just simply amazing to me just how many people this brilliant man has helped become parents.  From a celebrity to a little old nobody from Massachusetts.  I often think of Dr. Schoolcraft and CCRM and am confident that I wouldn't be here today, at 31 weeks 6 days pregnant with twin boys, had it not been for him.  He has blessed my heart and soul more than he will ever know.
Miss anything?  There really isn't much that I miss.  If I had to choose something it would be sleeping with un-blocked nostrils.  But, I've said it before and I'll say it again - I would sleep with a blocked nostril for the rest of my life if it meant I got to be called Mommy by my two sweet boys.
Movement:  Boys, boys, boys!  You are movers and shakers and Mommy loves it!  I love their nudges so much.  I love seeing their movement.  And boy do I love them!
Food cravings:  Still none.
Anything make you queasy or sick?  Still nothing in particular, but anything can still do the trick.
Gender:  LOVE my Boys!
Labor Signs:  I guess none except for some pretty intense cramping, which feels like menstrual cramps.  My doctor gave me a physical exam today to check my cervix, which is still long and closed (thank goodness).  She could, however, feel baby A's head - he's very low, which didn't concern my doctor so I'm working on keeping my worry at bay!
Symptoms:  The same… linea nigra, some ligament pain on my left side in my hip/upper leg area, nasal congestion, restlessness, some back pain, a weird "rash" on the palm of my hands, and low, uterine cramping (which I suppose is from baby A being so low!).
Belly button in or out?  In.  But it's starting to really stretch.  I have a feeling it might pop!
Wedding rings on or off?  Officially off. 
Looking forward to:  Everything!  And to hopefully making it another week with my boys staying put right where they are!

Friday, May 16, 2014

Babies Bump and 29 Week Update


How far along:  The above picture was taken at 29 weeks and 3 days. 
Total weight gain?  34lbs as of my doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  I had an appointment on Wednesday with a nutritionist for my GD and she said my weight gain for twins was right on track for my pre-pregnancy BMI and weight.  I was surprised, but happy to hear this.  She said that she would guess that I will gain around 40lbs total if I am able to go to 36 weeks.
Maternity clothes?  Yes, yes and yes.  I'm actually starting to think about post-delivery clothes, too. 
Stretch marks?  Still none.... yay!
Sleep:  Sleep still stinks.  I have one nostril that starts to block up in the evening and is completely blocked by the time I lay down to go to sleep.  While that's pretty darn annoying, I think I might have just learned how to deal with it, because the past few nights it hasn't kept me up as much.  Either that, or I'm just so tired that I sleep through the discomfort of only having one nostril to breathe through!
Best moment this week:  My mom came up for a visit last weekend and somehow I don't have a single picture of our time together.  I think that's probably because we were so busy and worked so hard putting baby things together, taking tags off baby clothes, washing, folding and putting away the baby clothes, running errands to return things, and to buy diapers, wipes, etc., etc., etc.  The good news is that we are now, for the most part, ready for babies!
My mom was here, also, to celebrate Mother's Day with me and my sister.  We had a nice morning on Sunday and treated ourselves and my mom to pedicures (pedicures are amazing, but if you're pregnant and get a pedicure, they're even better!).  We had breakfast afterward and then my mom and I headed back to my house to finish up some of the final decorating/hanging of things in the babies' room.  And that's when I lost it.  I just lost it.  Mother's Day was hard for me.  I was emotional because we didn't have the time to hang everything up.  I became immature and pouty - it was the first time that the pregnancy hormones really kicked in.  I was plain old sad.  I couldn't stop the tears.  And I think that, while yes, I was upset about not getting everything done that I had on my "to-do" list, the real trigger was the day itself.  I just couldn't handle it.  I couldn't handle it just as I couldn't handle it for the past three years.  But this year, I couldn't handle it in a different way.  I didn't know how to feel this year.  I didn't really allow myself to think about the day as it approached and when it arrived, it just hit me.... hard.  I suppose Mother's Day will always be difficult.  And rather than celebrating becoming a mom myself, I'd rather just celebrate my own mom in the years to come.
So, enough about that day... here is a picture of another little area in the boys' room.  We are 99.9% done with everything - we just have a shelf and a few picture frames to hang and then I'll be ready to share the final outcome.  I love it in there!
Miss anything?  I really don't.  My heart is very full.  While I wish I was able to breathe out of both nostrils at night, I feel fully content.  A lot of people have started to ask me when I'll stop working or if I'm just so ready to have the babies/be done with pregnancy.  And while I cannot wait for my boys to arrive, I'm also not ready for them to be here.  I have waited so long to be pregnant, to see a big round belly, to feel their kicks and flutters inside of me.  And now I have it and a part of me doesn't want to let it go.  I had a tough first 4 1/2 months of pregnancy where I was so sick that I couldn't really enjoy anything, but now I feel normal (just a little uncomfortable and large) and I love it.
Movement:  My boys are very active.  I think they know I need the reassurance of their movement and kicks :) 
Food cravings:  Coffee Oreo ice cream... but good news!  My nutritionist said I still could have some.  Except I can't have 5 scoops... more like only 1.  But that's OK, it's still a win in my book! 
Anything make you queasy or sick?  Still nothing in particular, but anything can still do the trick.
Gender:  LOVE my Boys!
Labor Signs:  None.  Phew!
Symptoms:  The same…. linea nigra, some ligament pain on my left side in my hip/upper leg area, nasal congestion, restlessness, some back pain, the weird "rash" on the palm of my hands, general discomfort, sore and swollen feet.... oh my poor feet!
Belly button in or out?  In.  But it is still very stretched!
Wedding rings on or off?  Off.
Looking forward to:  A relaxing weekend with nothing planned, only three more scheduled work client meetings in the next couple of weeks and hopefully another week passing with my two baby boys staying put!

Oh and just because, here's a picture of my sweet baby girl:

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Babies Bump and 28 Week Update


How far along:  The above picture was taken at 28 weeks and 3 days. 
Total weight gain?  About 30 lbs., probably a little more.
Maternity clothes?  I recently ordered some maternity clothes from Gap and Old Navy on-line and had to return a whole handful of them.  It's becoming really difficult finding clothes to wear that covers my bump.  And clothes for work meetings?  Forget about it!  I have about two dresses that I just alternate and try to make look a little different with jewelry.  Maternity work clothes are awful! 
Stretch marks?  Still none.... yay!
Sleep:  I can't even believe how much I took being a good sleeper for granted before... Sleep now is just.... not great.  That's OK, though.  It could be worse and at least one nostril isn't blocked!
Best moment this week:  Week 28 has been full of lots of wonderful things.  First, we welcomed our sweet new niece into the world on Friday - she's a cutie and is so teeny.  I love her!
And I love seeing my husband hold her in his arms!  I can't wait to see him hold our two bundles of joy!
My sister's birthday was on Sunday and as always, I had a great day spending time with my BFF.  We treated ourselves to manicures and a delicious lunch afterward - there is nothing like special sister time together.  Whitney told me at lunch that she can't wait for the boys to arrive because then we'd each have one of them in the booth sitting next to us.  She is going to be the best Auntie - I can't wait to see her bond with my little guys!  Happy Birthday, Whitty.  I love you!

And the other wonderful thing about week #28?  Putting stuff together!  Baby stuff!  Here are our two car seats, all ready to go!  I can't even believe this.  I really can't.  Babies... my babies will actually be in these in the next couple of months!  What?!?!
Miss anything?  So, while week 28 came with a lot of wonderful moments, it also came with one really stinky one.... I failed my three hour glucose test.  Ugh!  For some reason, I figured this was going to happen.... I had a feeling since my first OB appointment that, come time for my glucose test, I would be one of the women who end up with gestational diabetes.  I've been so incredibly lucky throughout my pregnancy so far and I know that it could be much worse.  But, it still stinks.  I was hoping to be done with needles for a long, long time, but now I'm pricking my finger four times a day to check my blood sugar.  I will be meeting with a nutritionist next week and am hoping to get this under control with changing some things in my diet.  Bye-bye coffee Oreo ice cream.... I'll celebrate with you on the day that the babies are born!
Movement:  My little future soccer players have gone from little kicks to full fledged nudges.  I love it - I love every single feeling of their movement.  I love when I wake up in the morning and haven't yet felt them.... then as I start moving around I can tell that they're waking up, too. 
Food cravings:  Coffee Oreo ice cream, oh how I miss you so much!  This was my last bowl that I had the second I arrived home after my three hour test (I'm so glad I did that, by the way!).  I'm proud to say I ate every last bite of this gigantic bowl.  I think I dream about it....
Anything make you queasy or sick?  Still nothing in particular, but anything can still do the trick.
Gender:  LOVE my Boys!
Labor Signs:  None.  Phew!
Symptoms:  The same…. linea nigra, some ligament pain on my left side in my hip/upper leg area, nasal congestion, restlessness, some back pain, the weird "rash" on the palm of my hands, general discomfort, sore and swollen feet.... every symptom makes this more real, though, so as uncomfortable as it might be, it's the biggest blessing in the world.... all of it!
Belly button in or out?  In.  But it has stretched so much that I feel like there is barely a hole there anymore.
Wedding rings on or off?  Off.
Looking forward to:  My mom coming up this weekend to help organize more of the babies' stuff.... they sure do have a lot already!!

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Baby Shower

My baby shower was this past Saturday...
Wow, those are seven words I never, EVER thought I'd write.
It was amazing, beautiful and so very special... But, it was also awkward, strange and weird.  I mean, I almost felt badly that I was celebrating my pregnancy - my two miracles that I fought so hard for - when I know that so many others so truly deserve to have a day like I did on Saturday.  After so many years of heartache and enduring failure after failure, it's sometimes hard to embrace my own happiness. 
But, the thing is, it was a happy day.  A day that I will never forget.  A day that my family and closest friends showered me and my boys who are already so incredibly loved by so many.  I am lucky.  They are lucky. 
I'm not sure when I'll awake from this dream, because that is truly what it feels like - a beautiful dream.
The shower was held at a very special venue - the historic hotel where I had my bridal shower, Wedding and now baby shower.  It couldn't have been more perfect...
My mom brought the bassinet that she used for me when I was a baby to hold baby books that guests were asked to bring in lieu of a card - our boys' library is already so full!
Everything was just-so from the favors to the tables and the sweet baby pictures of me and Nick as well.
We played the timer game while I opened gifts - when the timer went off, the person whose gift I was opening was able to choose a bottle of wine.

I had my closest friends and family, most of whom travelled from out of state, there with me and that truly made my heart swell.  These are the people who prayed for me, consoled me and loved me throughout the worst times of my life the past three years.  They were there for me and supported me more than I think they'll ever know.  And how much more special does it get to have had my 94 year old Nana there with me?!  Blessed.  I am so, so blessed!
Lucky doesn't even begin to describe it... I am more than lucky, more than blessed... I never imagined that I could feel such happiness.  I am so incredibly grateful and thankful to God for answering my prayers.  He is the only explanation for this amazing turn of events in my life.
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