Thursday, July 3, 2014

(Sort of) Figuring it all out...

I truly hadn't meant to take such a long hiatus from blogging.  I guess I hadn't meant for much to happen that actually did the past (almost) month (holy moly, it's almost been a MONTH?!).  I didn't expect to go to my doctor's appointment two days shy of 33 weeks and to not return home again until I became a Mom (wow, I'm a Mom!).  I didn't expect to spend only two nights in the hospital prior to delivering my sweet boys.  I didn't expect for my platelet count to remain low (even after a platelet transfusion), resulting in the inability to have an epidural.  I didn't expect for the magnesium sulfate to kick my butt so hard that I wasn't able to deliver vaginally, sans an epidural.  I surely didn't expect to give birth to my babies via C-section under general anesthesia without my husband by my side.  And I really, really, didn't expect to be unable to see my babies for a whole 24 hours after they were brought into this world.  Wow, it's so emotional and I feel a lump in my throat from just typing all of that.
But... I also didn't expect to feel the love that I do for two, just-over-five-pound babies.  Oh the love... The love is indescribable.  It's more than I ever imagined possible.  More than I ever knew possible.  My love for my sons is so strong that it hurts.  But it hurts in such a good way.

Austin and Camden spent the first days of their lives in the NICU.  Camden, Baby B, came home after 17 days and Austin joined us after 22 days.  A little after three weeks from their birth, we finally became a family under one roof and my life felt complete.  Chaotic, but complete.  My heart was (and is) finally full.  I finally, finally, have what I've always wanted...  What I had begged and pleaded God for... a family... a baby... And I got TWO! 
Life at home with two is both tougher and more wonderful than I'm able to express here in writing.  We were blessed to have the help of my parents for quite some time.  My mom was with me since the day before the babies arrived and only left this past week.  Now that was tough... saying good-bye.  Here comes that lump in my throat again... oh boy!  Nick has four weeks off from work, though, and for that I'm so grateful!  While we're a bit sleep deprived on most days, we also feel like we're doing an OK job.  The babies are eating, sleeping, peeing and pooping all day every day and on top of that they get lots of mommy and daddy snuggles.  They've both gained weight and have received great reports from their pediatrician visits to date.  So far, so good I suppose?

I definitely doubt myself on a daily basis, wondering if I'm a good Mom.  I ask my husband and my Mom regularly if they think I'm doing a good job.  Perhaps much of that doubt is related to post pregnancy hormones?  Whatever it is, the doubt is there but so is the love and the love absolutely outweighs the doubt. 
As I sit here typing, I'm not sure where I want this post, or this blog, to go.  My babies will be one month old on Saturday and I cannot believe it - a month!  Four weeks!  What?!  How did that happen?!  I never envisioned myself as a mommy blogger writing about my children and life as a mother.  This blog may very well turn into that... someday.  But for now, I'm much too busy doubting myself, loving my boys and trying to keep up with their laundry to do much else.  So, bear with me and together we will see where Two Hearts and One Dream goes (I so admire all of you moms out there who find the time to blog and to do anything else other than feeding babies and changing diapers!!).
Thank you all for your love, support, encouragement and prayers.  I wouldn't be here, where I am today, without all of you!  XOXO
 

26 comments:

dspence said...

Oh my goodness, they are so cute! Doubting yourself, and finding all you do is feed them and change diapers, is totally normal. I hardly find time to blog these days either. Keep your head above water! We are praying for you!

kharini said...

They are absolutely adorable Aubrey and I am convinced you are doing an amazing job. Those boys of yours and incredibly beautiful! You ARE a mom!

DeNae v said...

Aubrey, they are gorgeous and beautiful and perfect. Your doubts are so much a part of being a mom. Doubt and love and love and doubt are part of every day of motherhood. I am so glad you are all home. Best wishes for all of the beautiful places life takes you (and your blog.)

Mary said...

My sweet Aubrey, never for one second doubt you are an awesome Mommy. I see it with my own eyes when the boys look at you with their adoring eyes or when they hear your voice. I am so very proud of you for all you have been through. Thank you for giving me the greatest gift of becoming a Nana to Austin and Camden. I love you all more than words can express.
Mom xoxoxo

Ashley Sanderson said...

Love love love this post! You are doing an amazing job with your boys! Keep it up! I hope you continue blogging so we can keep up with you and your sons! Yes, you read that right, you have 2 SONS! It never gets old hearing that I am going to have a daughter in a few weeks! Ahhhh! I hope it never gets old for you either! :)

JoJo said...

Aww they are adorable. How cute they have different hair colors. (: I bet your doing an amazing job. You are super mom handling two newborns! Two!

Lindsay said...

Congratulations!!! They are so beautiful!! As a twin mom myself I understand how busy and overwhelming it can be!! Hang in there. You are doing great! So happy for you!!! Enjoy this precious time.... I know everyone says it, it's true it really goes by so fast!!!

the blogivers said...

Hooray for an update (and more pictures)! I think doubting yourself is so normal, especially after everything you've been through, but I am 100% sure you are doing a great job - you are the BEST mama for them, and that's why God picked you to be theirs :)

Gypsy Mama said...

It's totally normal to doubt yourself, I know I do! I think in time we will get more confidence. I hope you continue to blog, I know I would miss you if you leave!! But I also totally understand how hard it is to find the time when you have a baby - let alone two!

They are absolutely gorgeous. Congratulations Mama!!

Nikki Miller said...

CONGRATS!
They are beautiful!
Being a Mom is SO hard... your heart is bursting with joy, you are sleep deprived and your brain is going in million directions... All while those silly hormones wreck havoc on your emotions and thoughts.
When I doubt myself I try to remember that the doubt is STEALING my joy it is robbing me of focusing on the present and enjoying my babies. BUT that is hard to do... sometimes I also just FEEL the emotion. I think it is ok to worry and doubt a little... it is about the balance.
Best of luck.
I selfishly hope you continue to post about your journey with the boys, however, I completely RESPECT your choice to focus on them right now.
Happy 4th!

The Joiners said...

So glad you're all safely home! And yes, the doubting yourself is definitely normal, although you will be surprised how quickly you become more confident (and then doubt yourself all over again when new situations, milestones, etc. occur)!

Just try to remind yourself during this sleep-deprived time that the sleep will come and it will get easier!

Amber said...

I admit that I am teary reading your post, and even more teary reading your mom's comment. I am so happy for you and those boys are just as lucky to call you mom, as you are calling them son. It definitely is challenging finding time to do ANYTHING else, but I will say that it does get easier. And then people will tell you the next stage so gets easier, and so on, and so on. The love just continues to grow. Congrats again on your baby boys!

Mrs B. said...

They are beautiful and I totally relate to everything you've said in this post. Especially about the laundry. Soooo much laundry!

Caroline said...

YOU are an awesome mom Aubrey!!!! I'm so glad your sweet boys are home with both you now!!! They are just too cute! It's crazy they are almost 1 month old already. hope you are soaking in every second xoxo

Sarah said...

No matter what you think, you ARE doing a great job and even when they are young men, let me tell you that you will still question how good of a mom you are daily. That won't ever change but oh just look at their faces. They are happy, healthy babies and I'm so excited for you!!

Aramis said...

So happy to see an update from you! I can only imagine how tough it is to have those two little guys depending on you for everything, and to wonder if you're doing the best for them. Just trust yourself and the love you have in them and know that you have finally gotten where you wanted to be!

Emily said...

They are simply PRECIOUS! Love the second to the last shots of the stretching and lounging. Ha!

So happy they made it home and you guys are one big happy family now. I think you'd be abnormal if you didn't doubt yourself. Just keep telling yourself if half of the yahoos in this country can raise children, then surely you can too. You are going to be a great mommy...correction you already are. :)

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

This post gave me a lump in my throat. Your boys are perfect. And you are a perfect mom for them. You are doing a good job and I love seeing you so happy as a mama at last!!!! Xoxo

Sarah Beth said...

Oh my goodness- I teared up so many time,s reading your post just now-,you are doing an amazing job- look at how happy your baby boys are! So happy everyone is home and healthy- you are so deserving of this , just soak in every moment and know that a friend from afar thinks of you often and prays for your family! Enjoy every second! Xo

Mrs. Lost said...

I can't believe it has been a month! We were 4 days apart in pregnancy and I'm not even delivering until next week. They are so adorable and I can't wait to follow them growing up so you better not stop blogging! I guess I can email you too, but this is nice. I am 100% sure you are a great mom!

shay said...

omg they are so freaking adorable! and i'm sure you are a wonderful mommy! enjoy every minute of this, you so deserve it all. these little boys are so so lucky to have you as their mother. i hope you continue blogging (if/when you have the time) so we can see how these sweet boys grow up!

Amy said...

They are SO beautiful!!! Crazy beautiful! And you look amazing!! Doubting yourself comes with the territory- it just means you care! And you will learn so quickly!!! You are the best mum for those boys and they look so happy!!! Xoxoox

Erika said...

I love seeing your sweet boys. So glad that they are home and doing well now!!!

Holly said...

Oh wow!! BREATHTAKING!! I'm so glad they are doing so good and so freaking perfect!!

awardrnbsn said...

I found your blog almost 2 years ago and instantly felt connected because the post I read mirrored my thoughts exactly! I'm so happy for you! Your two boys are absolutely precious! I'm so happy that you three are all healthy!

JenS said...

First of all, I can't believe how great you look in those pictures. So put together and presentable! Haha. I feel like I barely got out of my pajamas the first month or two.
I think it's only natural to doubt yourself...I know I do all the time. It's a huge responsibility! But, you are doing an amazing job and those boys are so lucky to have you as their mom.
Your first paragraph made me a little emotional, as well. Brought up a whole lot of memories. Hope you are continuing to recover (both physically and emotionally). I promise it does get easier. There will eventually be longer stretches of time between feedings. You will eventually sleep longer than a couple hours. The hormones level out and you won't feel quite so crazy. It's a roller coaster but so worth it.

 
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