Unfortunately, I'm finding it difficult to focus on my hope and faith (or, what little of it I have left) this time around. I've been having a hard time trying to see a picture in my mind of a baby at the end of all of this. I just don't know that it will work. And to be honest, I guess I've never known it would work, I just have always thought it would... somehow, someway. Lately, I've been trying to imagine a life without children. A life where I will never experience pregnancy. A life of just me, Nick and Belle. My heart aches beyond belief with every single one of those thoughts, but I have to be realistic at some point. Being a mother might just not be in the cards for me.
And then, when I go and write that... the sentence about not ever being a mother... tears well up in my eyes, my heart feels like it's drowning and I can feel myself start to hyperventilate. That's when my hope and my faith pushes the realist in me out of the way. Because, if I get so worked up over the mere thought of never becoming a Mommy, then how can I shift my thoughts away from something that I know deep down I'm truly meant to be? How could God take the.one.thing I've always known I wanted to be away from me? I have to believe that He couldn't. That He hasn't. And that He won't.
Shifting gears here... Since I've been MIA lately, this is what I've been up to for the past couple of weeks:
The weekend after we returned home from Colorado, we went to Connecticut to pick up Belle. While we were there, my amazing Nana came for a week long 'vacation' at my parents' house. My Nana is the best. There's really nothing else to say... she-is-just-the-best. I had been preparing all weekend for a presentation that I had to memorize and give at my upcoming work training/conference. The picture above on the bottom right is one that Nick snapped of me reciting my speech to my Nana. I love this picture. I can just picture her sitting there, listening to me and nodding her head. She's the best!
The day my training/conference ended, I hurried home for a rehearsal dinner that evening, but first, I snuggled big-time with my sweet little Belle. One of my husband's best friends got married last weekend and their rehearsal dinner was at the same restaurant where we had ours... almost four years ago.