Friday, July 26, 2013

Priming Cycle #2 and The Past Couple of Weeks

For some reason, I can't seem to form a coherent enough thought to share on my blog these days... it's my infertility's fault.  I'm currently in my second priming cycle and I dislike it as much as I did the first time.  It's just a long month of what feels like a whole lot of nothing.  Except exhaustion.  I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning.  It must be the estrace... or the testosterone.  Whatever it is, I'm exhausted!

Unfortunately, I'm finding it difficult to focus on my hope and faith (or, what little of it I have left) this time around.  I've been having a hard time trying to see a picture in my mind of a baby at the end of all of this.  I just don't know that it will work.  And to be honest, I guess I've never known it would work, I just have always thought it would... somehow, someway.  Lately, I've been trying to imagine a life without children.  A life where I will never experience pregnancy.  A life of just me, Nick and Belle.  My heart aches beyond belief with every single one of those thoughts, but I have to be realistic at some point.  Being a mother might just not be in the cards for me.

And then, when I go and write that... the sentence about not ever being a mother... tears well up in my eyes, my heart feels like it's drowning and I can feel myself start to hyperventilate.  That's when my hope and my faith pushes the realist in me out of the way.  Because, if I get so worked up over the mere thought of never becoming a Mommy, then how can I shift my thoughts away from something that I know deep down I'm truly meant to be?  How could God take the.one.thing I've always known I wanted to be away from me?  I have to believe that He couldn't.  That He hasn't.  And that He won't.

Shifting gears here... Since I've been MIA lately, this is what I've been up to for the past couple of weeks:
The weekend after we returned home from Colorado, we went to Connecticut to pick up Belle.  While we were there, my amazing Nana came for a week long 'vacation' at my parents' house.  My Nana is the best.  There's really nothing else to say... she-is-just-the-best.  I had been preparing all weekend for a presentation that I had to memorize and give at my upcoming work training/conference.  The picture above on the bottom right is one that Nick snapped of me reciting my speech to my Nana.  I love this picture.  I can just picture her sitting there, listening to me and nodding her head.  She's the best!
While away for work for my new job training/conference (I'm lucky: our conference was held in Massachusetts, so rather than having to hop on a flight across the country, like many of my colleagues had to, I just jumped in my car and drove 45 minutes down the highway), we had an evening clambake event out at Spectacle Island (a small island off the coast of Boston).  While on the boat out to the island, I was reminded why I love my city: it's beautiful.
The day my training/conference ended, I hurried home for a rehearsal dinner that evening, but first, I snuggled big-time with my sweet little Belle.  One of my husband's best friends got married last weekend and their rehearsal dinner was at the same restaurant where we had ours... almost four years ago.
The wedding was beautiful, right on the ocean.  I made my cute in-laws take me to the wedding (they were happy to) because I couldn't bare to drive there with the pregnant wife of one of my husband's other friends (I'm ridiculous, I know - but, I just haven't been able to deal with that announcement yet.).  Weddings are still hard for me.  On the one hand, it's nice to be reminded about love and how important love is to have in a marriage.  I'm thankful (so thankful) for the love that Nick and I have for one another, but on the other hand... being reminded of what that love is supposed to create?  Well that just upsets me.  And it leaves me teary-eyed, not because I'm so taken aback by the love that the bride and groom have for one another, but rather, because IT'S NOT FAIR (that they'll probably end up having a baby before us!) (Again, yes I know... I'm ridiculous.)!!

28 comments:

Sally said...

LOVE that green dress! What a great pic of you two. And the pic with your Nana is definitely priceless & perfect!

SO wish it would have worked out to see you this week! Next time! :)) xoxo

Amanda said...

Blughhh to everything except time with Nana. I hate this for you Aubrey, hate, hate, hate, hate it! I'm clinging to hope and asking big time for you! Hope all these meds ease up a bit and give you a break! Love you friend!!!

the blogivers said...

Infertility sucks :( While I think it's smart to be realistic and let your mind wander to the thoughts of "what if this isn't meant to be?", I also want to encourage you by reminding you that God is not limited by your circumstances - if He wants you to have a baby, it doesn't matter if nothing has worked in the past; He can make that happen. And IF He doesn't make it happen, I know He still has big plans for you and won't let you go through the rest of your life feeling unhappy - He loves you too much to do that! Keep your chin up, friend...

Kandie Walker said...

I have been praying for you! You are NOT ridiculous! I have the same thoughts too. I even think sometimes when I see people I know with their one year olds "they will probably have another one before us." It sucks feeling that way but I think it is normal to feel that way. You will be a mommy some day, some way! Please don't ever give up!

Erika said...

Love you girl, and have missed your blogging very much!! I hate that you're feeling so discouraged, but know that so many of us are hoping and praying for you. Unrelatedly, your green dress is cuuuuuuuuute!! And I've never been to a clambake, but it sounds extremely preppy. :)

Team Harries said...

I standing in faith with you that you will be a mother. I'm praying that your hope and faith in that fact is restored as well. Not giving up on you!

Aramis said...

As I'm sure you know, I've been in this exact same place lately. Wondering whether I need to start thinking about giving up. And just thinking it makes me teary. Strength to us both, girl.

kharini said...

Love that green dress!!! You HAVE to tell me where you got it! :)

I know the fear of thinking that you may never be a mom or get pregnant, it is horrifying but for now you don't have to think about that. You are not there yet, it might be in the cards for you still, hang in there! xo

And WHERE did you get that dress???? I WANT IT!!!!

Sarah said...

You are not ridiculous at all!!! We all go through these ups and downs- and there are more downs than we'd like to have... It's so hard to stay positive and hold out, but you said something that matters more than anything. And that is that you ARE destined to be a mother, come hell or high water! I question His timing and the reason for what us infertiles endure every.single.day. Keep going girl, you have come so far, and although it's hard to envision what the future holds, you are stronger than you think. Lots of hugs!

lo @ crazy ever after said...

I am reading this as I ride with my husband to a friends place for a BBQ. And I totally connect with you on avoiding pregnant women. The family we are visiting has four little girls. I am fearful we will go there and they will announce the impending arrival of their fifth. Or they will invite some other mutual friends and those friends will announce a pregnancy. I just dried up my tears as I tried to explain these fears to my husband. He just doesn't get it. I'm just so thankful that you, and the rest of my special friends inside my computer (or my iPhone or iPad...whatever I read you from), get it. It makes my irrational thoughts feel a little less irrational. Deep breaths.

Darcy Kristy said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean about weddings. We just had a family wedding last weekend. The night ended with me sobbing inconsolably to my SIL in the cab home (with hubs, MIL, BIL, and our child behind me). Then, I continued to cry and throw a pity party to Jake afterwards. I so get it. I'm so sorry that we both have to feel this way. I just don't get it.

Melissa said...

You are not ridiculous. I definitely have those same thoughts, and i think any person who has been through infertility would say the same. I know it is hard. The hardest thing! But i totally believe that if motherhood is your deepest desire (and it's a Godly desire!), then God will make a way. I am so encouraged right now, which is weird, I am suddenly feeling some hope/faith that i was severely lacking for awhile. (I don't know why, it is rare these days!) But I keep reminding myself that God is a god of miracles...that He is not limited by our infertility... He can make a way when nothing is working! And i am believing that for you.

Awhile back i did that thing where i imagined a life without kids... just me, brad & the dog... and i had that same reaction. We will be parents. WE WILL.

xoxo

Emily said...

Um no, you aren't ridiculous. My hubby's cousin is getting married in a couple months. She is 10 years younger than him(27) and I'm already dreading they may become pregnant before us. I've even dreamed up the crazy nightmare that they'll stand up at the wedding and say, "We have another announcement to make...we're pregnant!" Now how is that for crazy?! I will seriously just die if that happens though. I can totally understand how you feel.

Amy said...

Oh Aubrey... As the other girls have said, not at all ridiculous. I feel the same way. Exactly the same. Maybe I say it's not ridiculous so I don't seem ridiculous!? I don't know.

I totally know the feeling of not being able to breathe when I really think about never being pregnant and having a baby. It is absolutely overwhelming. It doesn't seem like it could possibly be real. But it is.

I can't be around pregnant women, people with babies/kids. Everything they talk about/whine about/complain about/love are things I want so desperately. The things you want too.

I will continue to hope hope hope for you. xoxoxox

bellehavendrive said...

I believe it will happen for you, Aubrey! Ugh, I hate this for you sooo much. Infertility is so unfair. And, you are NOT ridiculous. I feel the exact same way around pregnant women and fear - all the time - that women who got married after me will get pregnant first!

Katie Jeanne said...

Oh Aubrey! You are NOT ridiculous at all and I think many of your thoughts are similar to how we've all felt at some point. When you are struggling, there are others who are here to help you along. God sees this desire, and some way, you will be a mother with your baby in your arms. Sometimes I don't understand God and His timing, but this is YOUR time! Thank you for sharing and for the beautiful pictures! God bless you!

JoJo said...

First of, that pic with ur Nana, mom, and you is priceless. I can see the resemblance big time. Love that you are always smiling in pics regardless of what you are going through. That to me is a strong woman!

You are not being ridiculous having these emotions. We all have those same thoughts/feelings throughout these struggles. I don't do well with pregnancy announcements,even though I don't show it. So I tried to 100% avoid them. Keep your chin up buttercup! I believe you will be a mother one way or another.

Gypsy Mama said...

I'm so sorry you have been feeling discouraged Aubrey. You have been through so much and it is only natural to feel down sometimes. I hope your hope & faith stays strong and your dream of becoming a Mommy is reality someday soon. I know you would be such a great Mom! Sometimes I tell myself that while there is still a glimmer of hope, there is still a fighting chance.

Sending you a bug hug!

Emily said...

You are NOT ridiculous!!!

Risa said...

This made me tear up. I have these feelings too. A lot. That I won't ever get to be a mom, and that makes me cry too. Big hugs to you. I want you to be a mommy. <3
I love these pictures. Sounds like a lot of fun!

Suzanne said...

Not ridiculous even a little. I have the exact feelings all the time.

I love your pictures. Especially of your grandmother. I cannot wait for motherhood to finally find it's way to you...your going to be a fantastic Mom...no doubt.

Well-intentioned said...

Love the pictures of with your Nana. All 3 of you beautiful ladies have the same smile and eyes!

Sillymama said...

HI Aubrey-I am new to your blog. First, I wish you luck in this current cycle! Your family looks wonderful and very supportive. I go through the same thing with friends...feeling like everyone will be pregnant before me. It's so hard. Be good to yourself!

Bren38 said...

Hi Aubrey,
This is my first post on your blog. I totally get how your feeling here. We have postponed our IVF procedure from September to January - just this morning ( due to finances) and I have been thinking that maybe, just maybe we weren't meant to be parents. But then I keep pushing that thought aside cause, I really, really want to be Mother, it is all I have dreamed about. I can't bare the thought of going through life without being able to do this. I hate infertility. Thank you for sharing your feelings... they are identical to most of us. You are not ridiculous at all. I enjoy following you, it makes me feel so not alone in this process. It will happen, I pray that it will. Stay positive. :-)

dspence said...

You've been on my heart so much lately. Thinking of and praying for you.

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

I hate reading this because I know exactly where you are. AND IT IS SO FREAKIN' HARD. I'm sorry.

Thinking of you...Hugs!

rainbeforerainbow said...

I agree with everyone else-- not ridiculous at all. You've been through a lot. And look at your pictures! You're still a happy, smiling, cheerful person. Doing what you have to do to cope is what makes us able to keep living our lives. You will be such a wonderful mother someday. Hoping it happens soon for you!

Amber said...

We are allowed to be a little ridiculous at times, as we are going through a most ridiculous situation called infertility. I hope and pray that this cycle will be THE ONE that makes you a Mommy.

I love all your pictures. You always do such a great job of sharing pictures, which helps us get to "know" you :)

 
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