Sunday, July 7, 2013

Colorado: Day 7... A Bad Ending

On our way to the airport this morning, we received the (dreaded) call from the embryologist.  Of our 7 eggs, 6 were mature but only 2 fertilized.  My heart sank the second I heard the news.  All I could think was that my eggs must be bad...  really bad.  We were given minutes to make a decision: continue to let our two day 1 embryos grow and cross our fingers and pray that they not only make it to day 5 blasts, but that they are both deemed normal/euploid after the CCS testing.  OR, freeze them now and come back out to Colorado for another cycle, which would hopefully give us more fertilized embryos to do the CCS testing on, which in turn, would hopefully give us a better chance of getting at least one normal/euploid embryo, with the possibility to result in a pregnancy.

We chose to freeze our little babies today and do another cycle.

GULP.

It honestly wasn't a decision that took us long to make (even though we were only given minutes to decide, it took me a nanosecond to figure out what I wanted had to do).  When we made the decision to cycle at CCRM, we made the decision to give our best shot at making this work.  Never did we think we'd have to throw another multiple, multiple, thousands of dollars into it, but we don't feel like we have any other choice.  We will continue do everything we can to make this work.  Everything.

My heart is broken.  I'm embarrassed and ashamed.  I feel so guilty for not being able to make Nick a Dad.  I feel like my body can't do the one thing that it should be able to do.  I feel like God let us down today.  Big time.

We're getting ready to board our flight back to Boston and while I want nothing more than to get the heck out of Colorado right now, I also don't want to leave.  I don't want to leave my two embryos behind.  I don't want to continue on with my life, knowing that we have to do this all over again.  I can't imagine going into work tomorrow and carrying on with stupid insurance, because that's what it is: stupid.  It's all stupid.  Nothing is more important to me than this.  Trying to imagine how we move on from here is impossible today.  I will call my nurse tomorrow and am praying that we can start up again with my next cycle, which should begin in about two weeks.

I mentioned that yesterday we had 1 immature egg.  The lab is going to continue to watch this little guy today and if it matures, they will ICSI it, and we are praying that it will fertilize overnight, giving us a total of 3 embryos.  If this one does end up fertilizing, it will be frozen tomorrow.  The embryologist wasn't convinced that this would go in our favor, but we're praying... because at the end of the day, that's all we can do.

37 comments:

Impatiently Waiting said...

Aubrey, I am so sorry that things didnt turn out the way we all hoped. I am praying so hard for you. I have you so close in thought. hugs!

lamentingthelentil said...

Oh Aubrey, I'm so so sorry to hear this. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope this next cycle can start immediately to give to a sense of forward movement. You have so much grit and determination. It's incredibly inspiring. Thinking of you, friend.

bellehavendrive said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry. :-( After everything, a discouraging day 1 report is so difficult to accept. I am praying for you. Gosh, I wish words could heal the pain, although I know they can't. Blessings to you, Aubrey.

Laura said...




I am so sorry that the fertilization results weren't better. I will continue to pray for that last little egg that they're watching. What a hard decision to make, you both are so incredibly strong. You know if you ever need anything, I am always here for you. I wish there was more I could say or do, just know I'm thinking about you guys!! XO

JoJo said...

I'm sorry things didn't come out the way we all expected. I'm glad you made the decision to do another cycle to give you the opportunity to do the testing on your embryos. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Aislinn said...

I'm so sorry things didn't work out as planned Aubrey, but there's no reason for you to feel embarrassed and ashamed. This is nothing that you did, it's just something that you and Nick unfortunately have to battle. Keep your head up and know that you both are in my thoughts <3

JenS said...

I am so,so sorry to hear this. You do have 2, and that's something, but I know it's not what you were hoping for. I'll be thinking of you.

Aramis said...

Dammit, dammit, dammit. This stuff is all just so unfair and arbitrary. So sorry, hon. Hugs coming your way.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear things didn't work out as you'd hoped. I know how disappointing it can feel. I hope you're not too hard on yourself. I've been following your blog and am amazed by your strength and perseverance. Hang in there. Know that there are people out there sending good thoughts your way.

the blogivers said...

I'm sorry I'm a ding dong and didn't fully understand the meaning of what you were telling me at the airport :( I hate that your trip had a crummy ending, but I'm thankful not all hope is lost! Will keep praying!

Erika said...

Oh, friend. I am so, so sorry. :( I will be praying for the one little egg and for it to work out for your next cycle to start soon. But I must say, I'm intrigued-- did you and Allison see each other in the airport?! If so, that deserves a blog because HOW COOL?!

Suzanne said...

My heart broke for you reading this. I know all to well how it feels to have your body fail you over and over again. You certainly made the right decision. Big hugs friend. xo

Team Harries said...

Hugs for you. Praying against the enemy giving you feelings of failure, doubt, disappointment etc, b/c that is 100% not from the Lord. Praying for those sweet embryos too!!!

Amanda said...

Oh Aubrey. I hate this so, so, so much! Absolutely hate this for you! Wishing I could change things for you and your sweet husband! You do not deserve this! Love you my friend!

Sarah Ish said...

Aw Aubrey I'm so sorry. But it hasn't ended, it's just taking a little bit longer and two batch of eggs.. One day you're going to look back and be thankful that you made this decision!
Much love!

Emily said...

I'm so, so sorry. There is nothing more frustrating than doing everything you can do and still not getting the payoff in the end. Wishing you the best in the not-so ideal situation! You deserve things to go your way!

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry, girl. Praying for y'all, for comfort & peace throughout this whole thing. I will pray for you & your husband & that all of this will result in a healthy pregnancy.

Melanie said...

Thinking of you. Praying that your three and any others that you guys make grow to be beautiful healthy babies. xoxo

Gypsy Mama said...

I am so sorry Aubrey. I am amazed at your strength to be able to keep moving forward in such difficult times. You are going to make an amazing mother someday my friend. I am wishing and praying for the best possible outcome for you my friend. xo

"When there is no turning back, we should concern ourselves only with the best way of moving forward." -Paulo Coelho

Sarah said...

I know you feel like you've been kicked down [again], but when we are unfortunately handed these circumstances, we somehow get back up and do what we think we cannot do. I've been in this hurtful place, I'm sorry for your disappointment :/ Thinking about you and praying!

Amber said...

So incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking when we go through all of this, but don't get the best of news when it's all said and done. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this. Enough of that crazy talk about not wanting to go on living though! When it comes down to it, those two embryos just might end up being your tame home baby one day. It only takes one. I admire you so much for being able to make such a quick decision to move forward with another cycle. I have no doubt you will do everything within your power to make this dream come true. You have lots of people praying for you, including me.

Sally said...

You guys are doing all you can and giving it all you got. Wish you would have had better news today. Thinking of you and hoping you get lots of calm & patience sent to you while waiting for your next cycle. xoxo

Risa said...

I had that dreaded report too. One embryo out out of 10 eggs. Aubrey, please do not give up hope. God works miracles and if my one lone embryo is still kicking, after four years of no bfps at all, God can do miracles with you. I am praying for you and hope you find some sort of peace through this. Big hugs to you dear.

shay said...

Oh man, I am so sorry Aubrey... i know how hard this must be for you guys... hang in there... sending hugs your way!

rainbeforerainbow said...

I'm so sorry Aubrey. I was hoping for a better report for you. Those two embryos still hold the chance of growing into your baby though. You've been through so much, but your determination is inspiring, and can only help you succeed in bringing home your precious baby someday. Thinking of you.

Christen said...

There are no words... I'm just so, so sorry. All of this is incredibly unfair and I am so sorry you are going through it.

Darcy Kristy said...

:( I'm sending you and Nick some huge virtual hugs right now. I'm sorry you didn't get the news you wanted. I'm glad you guys chose to freeze and do another fresh cycle. Give it your all... stick with your gut. I wish I had some really great insight, advice, or words of wisdom, but I don't. I just want you to know that you are not alone. That you are doing the best you can. And, that I can relate to your feelings through this process. Hugs, girl

Darcy Kristy said...

:( I'm sending you and Nick some huge virtual hugs right now. I'm sorry you didn't get the news you wanted. I'm glad you guys chose to freeze and do another fresh cycle. Give it your all... stick with your gut. I wish I had some really great insight, advice, or words of wisdom, but I don't. I just want you to know that you are not alone. That you are doing the best you can. And, that I can relate to your feelings through this process. Hugs, girl

kharini said...

Dear Aubrey, I read your update on my iphone on Saturday and was so excited for you, I waited to post until I got home to a regular computer but was so happy and peaceful knowing everything had gone well. Now I'm seeing this :( I am so sorry. I hope both your little ones make it to blasts and of course, I hope both are normal. Sorry for the big disappointment. Infertility really is a horrible roller coaster.

On another note, I believe you made the right decision in trying again, like you said, you went to CCRM to give this your best shot and that's exactly what you are doing. I'll be following your next cycle hoping you have success. xo

dspence said...

My heart is aching for you. Praying that the last egg matures and fertilizes. Praying that your second cycle starts quickly and results in more embies. Praying you and Nick are filled with peace and love. *BIG HUG*

Becky said...

My heart is sad for you, I'm so sorry things did not end up better :( That being said, God can work some crazy miracles, hang in there girl!

Em said...

Oh Aubrey! My eyes are full of tears. I am so, so sorry. I love that you honestly stated that you feel like God let you down. Those words can be hard (but SO important) to say. Praying, praying, praying for a miracle...and for strength for you.

Stephanie said...

I am sorry to hear that you only have 2! I think you guys made a good decision to freeze them though! I wish you luck this next cycle!!!

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

Oh Aub! Work had me buried last week so I haven't been on blogs. I'm so disappointed and sad for you. I hated reading this and know how hard t must've been to hear that bad news. It sucks that you have to cycle it. It's not fair and I wish you didn't have to go through this my friend.

Ashley said...

Oh I'm so sorry!! Stay strong, don't beat yourself up. Of all things you can control, you can't control your body or how it chooses to fail you time after time! But you can control how you handle it! Take some time to be upset of course. I'm glad you were able to freeze some! I know to well about only producing a few eggs.

nogoodeggs said...

I am so sorry that your cycle did not end better. This sucks and I am disappointed for your and Nick. You guys are very tough, so I know that no matter what route you take from here you will make it through together. Hope to hear more about how you are doing. Thinking about you a lot!

Amber said...

I forgot that I DID actually read this report already! As I mentioned above, it really does take only one. Don't forget that. And if you're going to cycle again, you will have even more to work with. Praying for you!

 
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