Tuesday, December 30, 2014

A, B, and 3

I know it has been months since I last posted.  That wasn't intentional, really, it wasn't.  I just - - - have been busy.  And I feel so silly for even writing or saying that because, everyone's busy.  Especially this time of year.  My busyness is a good thing.  It's something I longed for and prayed for... and I sometimes feel like I have to pinch myself because I just still can't believe that this - - - this is my life.

Back in November, we had the boys' Baptism.  It was a wonderful day.  The boys fulfilled a dream of mine and wore gowns that my aunt graciously offered to make out of my wedding gown.  On the drive to the church, I mentioned to Nick how I wasn't feeling so well - the excitement of the day ahead had gotten to my belly. 

A couple of weeks later, we finally moved into our new house.  I had major anxiety over this.  I had gotten so used to the extra four hands that were those of my parents.  After spending three months living with my mom and dad, I suddenly felt nervous about whether or not Nick and I could do it without them (blame it on the new mom guilt!).  Before we moved into our new house (only two weeks ago), we had some work done on the interior - we had mostly all of the rooms painted, and had new carpet installed in the bedrooms.  During this time, that unsettled feeling in my belly that I felt on the boys' Baptism day hadn't really dissipated. 

One night, I received a private Facebook message from a high school friend.  We haven't seen each other more than maybe a handful of times since we graduated high school 14 years ago, but have always been connected through social media.  In one of her messages to me, she mentioned how her sister, who has twin daughters, found out she was pregnant with her third daughter only 8 weeks after her twins were born.  It was that message that made me think about the unsettled feeling in my belly that I couldn't quite shake.  And then I thought about the last period I had and how it was just... well, funny.  It wasn't 'normal', but was more like a week of constant spotting.  A week where I was convinced it'd arrive any day.  But it never did.  And I honestly didn't think much of it, given I had just had the boys only 6 months ago.  Surely it takes some time for things to get back on track, right? 

Well... I decided to pick up a pregnancy test on the off-chance that I would be a medical mystery.  I didn't even tell Nick.  I was so sure it wouldn't be positive, because, it never had been in the past (except that one time).  One of the best RE's in the country told me that I really didn't even have a chance at all of becoming pregnant with my own eggs the old fashioned way... That I only had a 25% chance of conceiving at all, and that was with IVF.  A chance I'm so glad we took. 

At this point, I'm sure you can tell where this is going, and what that pregnancy test showed... two lines.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

So.  Yes.  I'm pregnant (!!!!!!!).  And no, I still can't believe it.  And yes, it's a blessing.  A miracle.  A total, complete miracle.  One that I never, ever, in a million, trillion, quadrillion years, would have thought would happen to me.  I mean, I already had thoughts of returning to Colorado sometime after the boys' first birthday for a potential FET.  

Along with all of my excitement for this completely unexpected news, also comes the hard stuff.  First up: sharing this news here.  I have to be honest and tell you that a part of me feels like 'why me and not her?'.  I already have my two miracles, whom I waited so long for.  My heart aches for those of you who are still waiting, and now, it seems to ache even more.  I feel as I though I should have told some of you already... But I just couldn't.  I have become a horrible post-infertility friend.  One of my biggest hopes is for all of you to have an ending to your story that's as happy as mine.  Second: I'm sick.  Again.  It wasn't fun the first time and it's not fun this time, either.  It might be less fun this time, if I'm being honest!  Along with the nausea comes the overwhelming feeling of 'am I a bad mom?'.  Some days I'm so sick that I have to put both boys in their exersaucers that are facing Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood on the TV, which we sometimes have on repeat- just so I can run to the bathroom to heave... Over and over again.  Also, those ideas and dreams of puréeing my boys' solid foods from organic fruits and veggies?  Ha.  Out the window.  At least Gerber sells an organic variety.  Third: and then there's work.  Ugh.  A full-time, high-stress job, plus being a mama of two, soon-to-be three is just tough.  It was tough the day I returned from maternity leave, and it hasn't gotten much easier.  And then there's the worst thing.  By far, the worst thing.  Fourth: after having my initial doctor's appointment, I had the normal panel of blood drawn and tested.  Expecting everything to be fine, I was shocked when I got a call from my doctor.  Apparently, I have elevated Kell antibodies.  Go ahead and Google it- there's not a whole heck of a lot about this out there... It's extremely rare.  My doctor said I could thank my husband for it, but I told him there's no way... At CCRM we were both tested for antibodies and we were both negative for everything.  It was then when my doctor asked me if I had ever had a blood transfusion - I did.  Two - after hemorrhaging severely almost immediately after I delivered the boys.  Apparently that's the reason I developed these elevated antibodies.  I now will be seen by an MFM throughout my pregnancy.  My first meeting with the high risk doctor is next Friday.  From what I understand, this could be bad for the baby and potentially may mean several intra-uterine blood transfusions.  Oh, and also- my doctor has already warned me of pre-term delivery.  Gulp.  My heart sank when I heard that.  I JUST went through that with the boys.  It was horrible... And I was one of the lucky ones.  We only endured 17 and 22 days in the NICU.  We had healthy babies, who really just needed monitored time while learning to breathe on their own, and how to eat.  I know it can be much, much worse than that.  And that scares me.  And speaking about what scares me?  My own health.  To say I delivered the boys in the most unnatural way, would be an understatement.  And then, I essentially had every complication you could have post-delivery.  It wasn't easy, that's for sure.  And for quite a few days after having the babies, I was scared... Not for theirs, but for my own life.

I'm counting every day that's given to me as a miracle, a true blessing.  This baby #3 has shocked us to our core.  A shock in the most wonderful of ways.  My family and I believe wholeheartedly that God is looking down from above, telling me to never, ever, doubt him again.  For He works miracles.  And as of tonight- I have proof of three.

I promise to try and update as much as possible.  Please know that, while I am definitely posting less, and commenting more sporadically, I am still here!  I am reading your updates and you are all never far from my mind!  XO

60 comments:

JoJo said...

Aubrey this is such wonderful news. I'm extremely happy for you! I agree god works miracles and for that I have faith everything will be OK with the care of an mfm. I will be keeping you in my prayers.

Amanda said...

Oh love! My heart is so happy for you! I can't even imagine your fears though... everything that happened last time and now these increased risks because of the transfusion! Ughh, and the nausea... you just can't catch a break. Really hoping that things settle down soon and that the doctors start giving you some good news soon. Love you so much, sweet friend. Check your guilt at the door, no room for that here. YOU DESERVE THIS!!!

Erika said...

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aubrey!!! This is so amazing!!!! I am totally shocked and THRILLED for you!! When are you due?? I will be praying for this Kell thing...I can't imagine how scary. Ummm...but seriously I need to go pick my jaw up off the floor. A surprise pregnancy!??!?!?!?!?!?!

The Joiners said...

OMG is really all i can say! I know you are thrilled but I can also imagine, as you've said, completely overwhelmed. Praying that the same God that brought baby #3 into existence will give you peace as you adjust to what's to come!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations Aubrey! It's wonderful to see an update from you and wow - what an update! I just looked into Kell antibodies and am wondering if you've heard about the RAVGEN testing option? http://www.madeformums.com/forum/pregnancy/anti-kell-antibodies/160989.html

Keep us posted and congratulations again!

Jen

jAllen said...

OMG! I have a feeling this is a girl!

Amy said...

Wow Aubrey, that is so crazy! Such a blessing but what a huge shock! Wow! I feel for you as so much on your plate but probably will be amazing in a few years when your children are so close in age! I hope you can try to relax and look after yourself despite all that is on your plate. You are a super mummy!! Congrats honey, you are your health are in my prayers!😘😘😘

Amber said...

OMG!!! Haha! This is AMAZING! After everything you went through to get the boys and now, poof! Apparently it's pretty common for your body to sort of reset. I know of a few ladies that have gotten a miracle pregnancy after long IF struggles, one of which even used donor eggs! Congrats to you. I can imagine how scary it is. I will pray for you that everything goes smoothly and you and babe both stay healthy!

Kathy said...

Wow what a blessing! I'm so happy for you :) I check back often to see if you've updated. Don't stop! :) Congratulations!

Marianne said...

Omg so happy for you, and praying for you...never heard of that condition, glad they caught it and are watching you!!
Xo

Sausha said...

Wow! How exciting! Congrats and good lucky :)

Gypsy Mama said...

Wow congratulations!!! I hope you start to feel better soon and that this labour and delivery goes smoothly. What a miracle!

The Run Away Stork said...

Oh honey what amazing news! I am SO happy for you guys. God is so very good and this miracle is just another confirmation of that! The fact that you were so kind and considerate of our feelings about breaking the news just shows again what a truly great person you are. Sending you love friend. Congrats!

the blogivers said...

I just still can't even believe it! Praying for you - all FIVE of you!

Anonymous said...

Congrats! Ironically, I just started following the blog of another mama with kell antibodies (http://losinglucyandfindinghope.com/) - scary stuff as they lost one baby from it, but they are pregnant again with a strong plan in place this time! I hope you two can connect... -Polly

Brooke said...

Congratulations! I know this is scary but you can do it! I'll be praying for you and baby #3!

My New Normal said...

Wow, what amazing news. It sounds like it's quite an exciting/scary time. Wishing you the best of luck and a full term pregnancy with an easy labor and perfectly healthy baby!

Amie said...

This is wonderful news!!! So very happy for you!! I will keep you and that sweet baby in my prayers that everything goes perfectly :)

Heidi said...

What a miracle! So amazing! You will be ok. So happy for you guys! I will keep your healthy & safety for you & the baby in my thoughts. Xoxo

Caroline @ In Due Time said...

yayayayayyaay CONGRATS! How awesome is this news, seriously! I love how the Lord works - he sure does bless us abundantly more than we could ask or deserve! Hope your appts go well and you start to feel better soon! I'm sure it wasn't fun to hear about that diagnosis, but hope it all goes well!

YAYAYAYAYA

JJ said...

So excited for you and your news! I recently also just found out about our surprise pregnancy. We have an 18 month old from IVF (in which we were told we had a 15% chance with IVF). I agree with you -- such mixed emotions. Excitement, yet also some guilt as I was always so frustrated and jealous of those "surprise" announcements. It's a fine balance. I hope you are feeling better soon! Look forward to following your adventure. When are you due?

Kandie Walker said...

When I saw the title of your post in my blog reader feed I thought surely that doesn't mean what I think it means.... CONGRATS! How wonderful! I will be praying all goes well and that your sickness doesn't last as long as it did last time.

DeNae said...

Oh, Aubrey, congratulations. I can hear all of your emotions, fear, excitement, trepidation, joy, in this post. But mostly love. Love for all 3 of your beautiful miracles. My thoughts and prayers are with you as your pregnancy progresses. Hope you start to feel better soon and you have no complications.

Cristy said...

Someone posted your announcement on my blog following a post I had about surprise pregnancy announcements (a good friend was just blasted on Twitter for announcing her surprise pregnancy). Needless to say, it warms my heart to see how supported you are with this news, especially since you need support with scary news and balancing pregnancy with twin parenting.

I sincerely wish you all the best as you move forward with this pregnancy. After all you've been through, there's certainly reason to celebrate.

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

Wow! Wow, Aubrey! I was definitely not expecting that. You hear those kind of surprise after IVF stories but they almost seem like folklore when you've struggled so much to conceive. I'm sorry you are sick again and scared about this pregnancy. I don't blame you at all. You'll be in my prayers! Hoping you have an easier pregnancy and birth this time around. Hugs!!!

Aramis said...

Holy. Freaking. Crap. Aubrey! This is such amazing (and yet scary) news for you guys! I totally get your mix of emotions. We'll be here for you this time just like last time!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! So so happy for you! Stay positive and I know you will make it work! Please post updates when you can. Take care, Susan

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! Our second baby was a miracle and beat the odds in utero, and it happens every day. It will happen for you too. Keep positive, dump the guilt, and do the best you can. Susan

Stephanie said...

Oh my goodness, Aubrey! That is so wonderful! CONGRATS!!! I will pray that this pregnancy goes smoothly for you! How far along are you?!

Sally said...

WOW!! Amazing news for this new year, friend!! incredible! Thinking of you in the days and weeks ahead!! xoxo

Brittany Sciba said...

How absolutely amazing, Aubrey!!! I'm SO thrilled for you! THREE miracles! God had His hand all over this and will continue to… you will be just fine!

Juliette said...

Congratulations!! What a happy surprise! My boys are 14 months apart, (not my accident) and it has been tons of fun. I can't imagine what it will be like with 3. Maybe 3 times the fun! Can't wait to hear if its a girl or a boy!

Kari B. said...

Ahhhhhhhhhh! Congrats! Wonderful news! Praying you have some relief from sickness soon. I look forward to seeing updates!

Christen said...

Oh. my. goodness!!!!! So excited for you! And I will keep you in my thoughts; I know the elevated antibodies must be scary...

dspence said...

Congratulations!! Lifting you ALL up in prayer. God is good! Now to HIM who is able to provide you with abundantly, extravagantly more than you could EVER ask, dream, or imagine!!!!!!!!

Sophie said...

WOW! I was not expecting you to say this! HUGE HUGE congratulations Aubrey!! x

Annie said...

Amazing news! Congrats. Completely understand how you feel a bit overwhelmed and nervous. Prayers headed your way!

Ashley said...

Oh my goodness!! Soo happy for you!!! Wow! Excellent news!!! Wishing you the very best! Love the pics of the boys you have been posting on instagram!!

Suzanne said...

Oh Aubrey this warms my heart. After all you've been through to be blessed with a surprise miracle, just thrills me. I will be hoping and praying that all the antibodies testing works out and you can have a smooth sailing pregnancy. I know after your complications before, you can't help but have concerns, but you have so many people praying for you and here for you!! Sending you so much love!!! xoxoxo

shay said...

Wow, Aubrey! Congrats!! This is an amazing miracle and I will be praying for that sweet babe of yours every step of the way! They say God doesn't give us what we can't handle, so hoping this Little One is in good health for you and that you are feeling better soon!

rainbeforerainbow said...

Wow! Just seeing this. This is amazing. Congrats. I hope everything goes as well as possible. You're a great mom. Don't hold yourself to impossible expectations-- you're doing a wonderful job!!!

Beth and Harrison said...

Oh wow Aubrey! I'm speechless! Congratulations! What a blessing but I know you must be so terrified and overwhelmed. I will be keeping you and your sweet babies in my daily prayers!

Gabrielle Orcutt said...

Oh my goodness!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! I know it's scary (and totally sucks that you are in dry heave city!!) God truly works in mysterious ways. He is asking you to trust him to get you through all this hard stuff and tell the Devil to take his fear and get outta town! Take it one day at a time, Momma. And know that in that day you did the best you could for your family. *hugs* Much love to you and I hope the sickies subside soon!!

Bren said...

AMAZING!!! So excited for you guys and sending extra prayers for your health and baby's health throughout this miracle pregnancy. Oh. My. Goodness!!!

Ashley Sanderson said...

I am so extremely happy for you!!! I sometimes day dream about this happening to us as well and I am so uplifted to see that it has happened to you! Someone who so COMPLETELY deserves it! And it's a GIRL! Your boys are going to be great big brothers! :)

Anonymous said...

I am currently going through my second FET and I found your blog and your beautiful children and success in your struggle against infertility mean so much to me as someone in the trenches so to speak. My heart leapt for joy when I read your post. Best wishes!

ksirahsirah said...

Beautiful news Aubrey! Of course I'm crying tears of joy! You are so deserving dear friend. Prayers for a healthy and happy pregnancy ! Xo

Melissa said...

This post never showed up in my bloglovin' feed. I just saw it on my blogroll on my actual blog! What is up with that?! Moving on...

CONGRATS, AUBREY!!!!! Please don't feel bad for me ... i am NOTHING but happy for you. Thrilled! God is so good. I'm so shocked though! LOL!!

I'm so sorry about the antibodies thing. I am definitely praying for you, and also that you start feeling better & have an easier pregnancy. When are you due?!

XOXO

Em said...

Congratulations, friend! I feel that joy and the heaviness you talk about. Both make so much sense. Praying for you now as you navigate this pregnancy in the midst of parenting and other life stresses. Also... This makes me think I should be using some form of birth control. (-:

Risa said...

Just reading this now, even though I saw your Facebook post. Wow! I know I haven't been reading blogs much so I wasn't sure if you did another cycle. Wow. Wow. Wow. I am so happy for you, but will be praying extra hard for you for an uneventful pregnancy and delivery.

JenS said...

OMG!!!!! I am so behind on blog reading and am just now reading this. What amazing news! I can't even imagine. Congrats! I am so happy for you. You will be well taken care of and hopefully you can make it to term with this little one.
I have to admit, even though I'm not sure I even want any more than the twins, I secretly want the surprise, miracle post infertility pregnancy. Just to know what it's like. It couldn't have happened to a better person.

Katrina said...

Oh wow!!! How amazing and scary at the same time! My thoughts will be with you and your family. I have twin boys that are 10 months old so I can only imagine how tired you are!! I hope you can get some rest!!

Lisa said...

Oh wow! This is exciting, but I understand the fear! I have a 6 month old who was a total surprise miracle, so I completely know the shock you felt. She ended up having a pretty major birth defect, so it hasn't been all smooth sailing either. I am wishing you both as healthy a pregnancy as possible. I hope you find time to update soon!

LydiaofCO said...

Miss your posts, but understand why they are infrequent. I hope you have a second to let us all know how you are doing!!

Laynah said...

Oh my gosh, congratulations! I'm looking for a miracle right now too and it makes me so so happy that some people get theirs! So encouraging, I'm really happy for you!

Anonymous said...

update?!

Gypsy Mama said...

Long time no news! Are you on facebook? You should join our private group so we can stay updated on your progress! I hope all is well...

did you know I have a new blog? someone IRL found the old one. Ourmagicmoment.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Is everything ok? Lots of people thinking about you!

Amy said...

Thinking of you too and hoping the pregnancy is going as well as possible!!!

Rita said...

That is amazing! Congratulations!
And thanks for the reminder that miracles do happen.

 
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