Monday, October 20, 2014

Thoughts from up in the air...

I'm currently posting from 30-something thousand feet in the air.  My first business trip post babies.  Gulp.  I've dreaded this day since before my return to work.  But here I am sitting on a plane headed to Chicago... with so many thoughts swirling around in my head.  So bare with me as I know this post will most certainly be all over the place.

First up: blogging.  Clearly, I've been horrible at finding time to write.  I have so much that I want to document in this space of mine, but I'm struggling.  I'm struggling first and foremost with just finding the time to sit down and type out my thoughts.  When I'm not working, I'm enjoying every single second with my boys.  When they're sleeping, I'm juggling everything else that needs to get done: laundry, bottle washing, baptism planning, and trying to figure out and plan for our upcoming move (yay! We bought a house!!).  Basically, I'm busy and blogging has taken a back seat.  I'm busy with everything I have ever wanted, and I often wonder how the rest of you full-time working mamas find time for everything!  But in addition to my days being so wonderfully filled with so much to do, I still can't figure out what I want to do with blogging.  It's been a constant struggle deciding where I want to take Two Hearts and One Dream.  I can't seem to find it in me to blog much about life after infertility.  So, stay tuned...

On another note, please tell me working moms... Does it get better?  Does it get easier?  Do you eventually find time to do things like shower and wash your hair?! Does the guilt of not being with your babies eventually go away?  I'm having a tough time... I'm trying to keep it together, but I will be honest... I'd MUCH rather be with my babies day in and day out.  Yes, I'm lucky that the boys are with Papa Tank.  Yes, I'm lucky that I work from home when not on the road (or in the air) and at meetings.  But, this transition has not been easy on me.  I know, at the end of the day, I have to work.  I don't have a choice.  I am thankful to have a job that allows me to help support our family.  A job that helped us buy a house and will allow us to provide for our little guys, who we so prayed for... But it's still hard.  The hardest part lately has been that come five o'clock, Austin and Camden have HAD IT!  They are fussy.  They are tired.  They want a 'bot-bot' and want to go to bed!  They aren't interested in smiling and playing with mommy and daddy after a day of fun with their Papa.  It breaks my heart a little, to be honest.  I'm praying that we will all feel a bit more comfortable with our routine as the days and weeks continue to pass...

Life is funny.  It's wonderful these days for me, even though I'm a working mom who may or may not have washed her hair in three to five days!  My heart has never been so full and I have never felt so blessed.  I truly feel like the luckiest person in the world.  I can honestly say that I have everything I had ever hoped for.  It's almost unbelievable how much life can change in a year.  My heart is still with so many of you who are waiting to be able to say what I've just written.  I often ask myself why I was chosen as one of the lucky ones, and I sometimes find myself just waiting for it to all fall apart again (don't forget, I'm a natural-born pessimist).  I'm not sure how much my infertility journey, the boys' birth story, and then my recovery, has hit me just yet.  I've found myself flipping through hospital and NICU pictures a lot lately and I truly feel luckier with every passing day.  I am lucky to be alive today.  I am lucky to be the mom to two of the most amazing, beautiful and  prayed-for baby boys.  I know that life can be hard.  I know that every day won't be (and isn't) peaches and cream.  But I know where I was a year ago today.  I remember that pain, that hurt, and that desire to become a mom more than anything in this world.  And here I am today....

25 comments:

Ashley Sanderson said...

I feel you! I can't find any time to blog either! And I only have ONE! You have TWO! So the fact that you even posted is amazing! Praying being a working mom becomes easier for you. I can't imagine how pulled in two directions you may feel! Keep up the good work momma!

Amanda said...

I don't care if you blog once every six months... I'm just happy to hear from you, see your smiling face, and see those little cheeks.

So thankful life took a 180 for you sweet friend, so thankful both boys made it, you made it, and life looks 1000 times better than it did a year ago.

And CONGRATS on the house! I never even really thought about the fact that you designed an incredibly adorable nursery and then packed it all up and moved. : ( Glad you'll be able to decorate again soon!

Annie said...

I feel your pain. I have been back for three weeks and I am hoping that things will get easier. By the time I get him at 5:00 he is not in his happy place. My husband does the mornings, and I can't help but feel jealous that he and the babysitter get all of the good stuff. My little guy is safe and happy during the day, so the sadness is just really on my part. On the weekends I put so much pressure on myself to be with him non-stop and take care of everything. This leads to the house being a bit of a disaster (which makes no one feel good)and me feeling frenzied. Then Monday morning comes and I cry on the way to work. UGH. I knew that this would be tough, but it's really taking a toll on me.

Ashley said...

The selfish part of me doesn't want you to quit blogging because I would miss seeing your boys grow up, seeing posts about your new house and how you are making things work as a working mom! But I get it! Even being a stay at home mom it's hard to find time! But I just want to document everything lol!
So excited to possibly hear about your house! I'm in the middle of preparing for Noah's baptism! It's this weekend!! Yikes!!
Take care friend! Miss you!!

Danielle said...

Oh Aubrey!! Your little guys… my heart fills with joy every time you post a new picture. Those cheeks were meant for smooching all day.

It does get easier. And by easier I mean there are more easy days than hard days. That comes with time. As they get older, their routines change and they learn how to do new things. And their schedules – those will change, too, and before you know it they won’t be longing for their “bot-bot” and bedtime at 5:00 because they will be staying up a bit later. I tell you, there’s nothing better than a routine (of their own design, of course). And you’ll get there. I have to tell myself this all the time, even though I’ve got a 10-year-old who clearly survived all of these things and lived to tell the tale AND a one-year-old is teaching me all of this all over again. One week the baby is taking two naps a day, the next he’s only taking one… he’s still eating pureed foods because he has a strong gag reflex, even though his older brother was gnawing on Nilla Wafers at 10 months old… It’s crazy. But then I realize how fast it goes by, and I relish it.

Your boys are going to have such a wonderful relationship with their Papa Tank. I’m grateful for the woman who watches Reid, as by extension her family is his family, too. He’s a lucky boy. And so are your boys. They aren’t lying when they say it takes a village. Our villages make it possible for us to continue to support our families the absolute best way we can.

I guarantee you in a month, it’s all gonna be different. You’ll be just amazed! They’ll be waiting for you when you get back from your trip. Take good care of you! And get yourself a bag of that amazing Garrett’s popcorn while you are in Chi-town. The Chicago Mix is the best!

Emily said...

I can't answer any working mom questions, but I can say that you seem to have such a good plan and support system in place. I'm glad you're able to count your blessings, especially how well your two little guys are doing...well they are big guys now. Amazing how fast they grow, and I'm sure it just blows your mind seeing the NICU pics now. Rome wasn't built overnight, and no one says it would be easy, but you are handling everything with so much grace. You should be proud of yourself!

Amie said...

I have no idea about juggling babies and work but I'm sure you handling it perfectly for your boys :) I will keep you in my prayers for sure!! What a beautiful photo and I love your hair!

Caroline @ In Due Time said...

Good hearing from you girl! I can't answer the question from personal experience, but from what my friends say - yes it does get easier. Glad you are able to provide for your two cute boys! Excited to hear about the new house! Congrats friend! Hope you have a great trip to Chicago!

Nikki Miller said...

First, those kissable cheeks...seriously they are TOO much!

As a teacher we rarely have "business trips" but when I did have overnights it was so TOUGH.

Anyway... my advice is that is does get easier, and then it gets harder and then easier. Everything is a SEASON and it is always changing. The mommy guilt did lessen for me over time.

Good luck, you are doing an amazing job and those boys are SO lucky.

The Run Away Stork said...

You, sweet girl, have earned this blessing with your blood, sweat, and tears. I love that you continue to count your blessings even though I know it must be SO HARD. And while you may feel "lucky" I know you are so very deserving.

Sally said...

Thinking of you and really hoping it gets better and you settle into a routine! Especially thinking of you as you travel. I had the same exact feelings you did......I found it got better as Mace got bigger.....more independent......It was fun for me to see him grow and learn new things apart from me.....to see him love and be loved by others....and you are really lucky to get to work from home sometimes! That's pretty cool. I had to remind myself at first of all the ways I had it good, like you are doing :)) Hang in there!! Those boys are PERFECT!!!! And you are an amazing mama :)) xoxo

Sarah said...

I will get easier momma! I PROMISE! Does Papa Tank have the boys on a routine, or near one? If they are fussy every evening, could it be because they aren't getting a couple/few good naps in? Just wondering as I know Ady is not as fun in the evenings if she hasn't napped well that day!

Erika said...

I'm so glad yall found a house- can't wait to see it and hear more about it!! And I cry when I think about how many bottles you have to wash. Cry. Tears. Ahhhhh. It's overwhelming with ONE!! I just can't imagine!! I hope you survive your trip!!

JoJo said...

Oh my do they have blushing cheeks? Adorable! A lot can happen in a year and I'm glad Urs is ending with a happy ending. My year is still not up still believing I will be there soon.

the blogivers said...

Yay for buying a house! I hope the first trip away goes smoothly - and just think how good the reunion will be when you come back! :)

justagirl-Krista said...

I don't have twins but I went back to work full-time, away from home and let me tell you it gets better. It was so hard that first year, I always felt like, what is the point to any of this. Once her turned a year, things got better, he was more independent and I just knew he enjoyed his days with dad and at childcare. I always tell myself, quality over quantity. Hang in there!!!

Sophie x said...

Oh those little guys are heartbreakers!! So gorgeous!
I agree, i don't mind if you update once every 6 months, it is just so lovely to see some pics and hear some news xx

Em said...

Definitely don't put pressure on yourself to write more. Do what feels good to you. We don't need anything from you. Your boys do. Go to them. We'll be just fine. (-:

Elisha Kearns said...

It was so great reading an update from you and I just loved the pictures! You are so adorable and the boys look so happy! Congrats on the house! And I think you are an ah-may-zing mother! xo

waitingforbabybird.com

shay said...

i think in terms of your blog, you just blog when you have the chance and not stress about it. we're all still here following along and love seeing the boys grow. Life gets in the way sometimes and that's understandable... whether you take a 1 month break, or a 1 year break, it's nice to come back to this space sometimes to give an update, we all love reading!

The Joiners said...

Yes, it gets easier!! It is still hard, but so is staying at home... they're just a different kind of hard :) Some days it's easier to leave them than others (ie: when they're acting like psycho paths, ha!), but no matter what, getting to see them at the end of the day is hands down the best part of my day every day! And I feel like the limited time that I do have with them counts even more than it would if I saw them all the time.

Anyway, hang in there... you're doing a great job and they love you no matter what!

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

You should only blog if it is not a burden on you. And I struggle with the same thing. Sometimes it is hard to keep up with work, commute and life without our little guy…I don't know how I'll do it after he comes. Since I am behind you, I don't have any sage advice. But I hope you find the balance you are seeking. Hugs!

JenS said...

Here's a secret - I don't find time for everything. You just prioritize and do what you can. Lots of stuff does not get crossed off the to do list.It does get easier, but there are still hard days. Days I wish I was home and I spend large parts of the days looking at pictures of them. As for showering, I get up before the girls and do it then. Although, if I was working from home, I'm not sure I would do that every day. I do it because I have to leave the house. haha. The cranky, fussy evenings - the witching hour - that goes away, too. How old are they now? I spend about an hour with the girls before they go to bed and they are so excited I am home and we just hang out and play. You'll get there, too. You'll figure out a routine. It will definitely get easier as they get older.

Suzanne said...

So good to hear from you. Even if it is in brief snippets here and there, I love hearing how amazing those boys are. (and you of course!) Sending you big hugs and hope that things start to balance out very soon for you. xoxo

Amber said...

Even staying home with the babies, I have a hard time finding time to blog, which is why I'm reading your post a week later!!! My husband has a really hard time coming home and only getting a few minutes with the babies at night before it's time to put them to bed. I have no advise on how to deal with that. I LOVE reading your blog posts, but don't stress in writing. Selfishly, I hope you keep blogging, even if it is only a post here and there, but you have to do what feels right for you. Your boys are adorable!!!! You are adorable too. Congrats on the new house and good luck with the move!

 
Site Design By Designer Blogs