Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Coming to an end

My four month maternity leave is coming to an end.  And I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown over it.  Now, I know that I am extremely, extremely lucky to have taken so much time off from work in the first place, but it's still so difficult thinking about having to return in just over a week.  I am beyond grateful for my dad's help upon my return and it soothes my aching heart to know that my boys' days will be filled with more love than I could have ever hoped for during my working hours.  But still... my heart aches.  I'm trying to change my thought process so that every time I think about the hours I will be away from my boys, I instead think about all of the things we'll be able to do because of the paycheck I'll be receiving every other week.  I guess it helps.  A little. 


I knew from the very beginning that me returning to work would be in the cards for our family.  It was much easier said than done during the years that we were trying to conceive.  Then it happened - I got pregnant (!!!! Praise the Lord!!!!), and I was still OK with the fact that I knew I'd be returning to work once the boys arrived and I exhausted my leave.  But when my little three pound preemies arrived, my heart started aching immediately over the thought of returning to work.  Once we had a plan in place to move back to my home state (and in with my parents until we find a house of our own), I was able to put most of my worry aside.  But now that October 6th is so soon upon us, I feel like I'm walking around in a giant ball of anxiety.  Ahhhh!!!! 


So, I ask you working moms... How do you do it?!  Seriously... how do you turn your mind off from Mama to whatever your profession is?  Or do you never turn off your Mama brain?  And if that's the case, how do you add anything else in?  I can't even imagine being able to give my job my full attention.  I know it's possible... So many of you out there are doing it every day, but I just still feel like it's going to be impossible.  I don't want to be away from my babies... My little boys who I fought so long and hard for, who I delivered 7 weeks early, who I already had to spend time away from when they were born and in the NICU.  My.heart.aches!

On another note - we are officially no longer residents of Massachusetts!  Nick is finishing up his last week of work in Boston and will be with us here in Connecticut full-time come Friday.  He has next week off from work before starting his new job on October 6th (my return to work date).  I'm so thankful that we will be able to spend a week together as a family before we both resume our roles in the working world.  I plan to soak up every single second!


 

26 comments:

Amie said...

I don't know anything about this but your boys are just the cutest!!!

JoJo said...

I can only imagine how you're feeling right now. Your boys are adorable and getting so big. You look tiny carrying both of them at the same time.

Aramis said...

I don't know how you American moms do it. People here whine about going back to work 12 months later! No advice, but you are tough and you'll get through it.

Erika said...

Ugh, I'm dreading it too. :( We can just cry-text each other all day, ok??

the blogivers said...

Look at those handsome little fellas!! I wish I had the perfect words to ease your anxiety about going back to work, but just know I'll be thinking about you and praying that the transition goes as smoothly as possible. You made it through the struggle of infertility, so I have faith that you can do this, too! :)

The Joiners said...

First of all, those two are just too cute! Second, I feel your pain… or I guess I should say I felt your pain! It is still hard, don't get me wrong- but it gets SO much easier and there will even be days when you are thankful for the "escape!" There will also be days that are the opposite, but they balance each other out in the end :)

And plus, you really will love and cherish the time you DO have with them so much more.

Hang in there and try not to let the anticipating/anxiety consume you while you enjoy your final (for now) days as a SAHM- you'll just start living for the evenings/weekends even more than you did before!

Oh, and you never do turn off your mommy brain, but you will get really great at multi-tasking and thinking about both at the same time :) You can do it, mama!

Emily said...

Wishing you peace and strength as you venture past maternity leave and also move. The boys look so great! So alert, and smiling, and just so happy. Looking back at when you first welcomed them into the world, it just blows my mind how fast they grow. So happy for your entire family!

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

Pretty sure they are the most handsome boys ever. Let me know if you learn in valuable tricks to ease your aching heart. I haven't even met my sweet baby boy yet and already I've been stressing about leaving him to go back to work. AND HE"S NOT EVEN HERE YET! Sigh.

Amanda said...

I can't imagine your pain, Aubrey, but I know that if ever I'm blessed enough to have a child, I'll face the same dilemma. And I know it will be HARD! Especially since my plan was always to be a stay at home mom. But our plan of sinking my entire salary away until we had kids obviously didn't work out, and if we have any hope in the world of bringing (gosh, dare I say it) a second child home, I've got a good long while of working ahead of me. It's frustrating. I'll be thinking of you on October 6th and wishing you the speediest work day ever!

Lots of love to you and the two CUTEST chubby chunks of love ever!

Mrs Wallace said...

Oh my gosh! This post is the same thing I'm about to go through. I've been blessed to be home with my little girl since She was born in May. I return to work on October 6! I am so thankful that she will be with her grandparents and aunt during the week, but gosh I'm going to miss my days with her. I too remind myself of all the working mommies out there. You'll be in my thoughts!
P.S. Those babies are so cute!

Annie said...

I have to go back Monday and have been such a wreck about it. The anxiety is actually giving me a stomach ache over leaving my little 3 month old guy. I have had a friend tell me that the time leading up to the first day back and the first week are the toughest. After that you get your routine going and it becomes a bit easier (so she says). Going to stock up on some waterproof mascara....

Annie said...

...and those little boys are the sweetest!

TheTravellingTrio said...

It is never easy. I had my son 19 years ago and had a 6 month maternity leave. I hated going back to work but like you I had very little choice - my job was the stable one and we needed my income. In time it does get easier. Consider yourself lucky that you know the person that will be taking care of your little ones daily. I had to leave my son with complete strangers and just trust that they would be good to him.

Anonymous said...

Enjoy your last weeks/days home with your sweet boys! My daughter just turned 1 at the beginning of the month, and I returned to work when she was 11 weeks old. I too was worried about going back to work and how I would handle it, but it turned out to not be as hard as I thought it would be. Thankfully my mother-in-law came out for my first 2 weeks back at work, so that helped ease my anxiety, and we have an awesome daycare provider who loves on my little Aria while I'm at work. And you never turn your mommy brain off, you just get really good at multi-tasking. I think it is harder for me to leave my daughter now as she is in the attached-to-mommy phase and cries when I leave - talk about heartbreaking! You can do it! Don't worry if you struggle through the first days/weeks, it is different for everyone and people understand.

Sarah said...

Oh my werd they are too adorable. And don't worry, it will get easier. The first couple of weeks will be rough. Lots of tears and hard to concentrate, but your work should know that and not give you too much on your plate! Your mommy brain will never fully shut off, but you'll find a good balance soon enough!

Sally said...

WOW they are SO perfect! They are so adorable and chubby and sweet.

And--it gets better! It's hard going back to work, no denying that. And you are so lucky with your daycare situation. I still find it hard somedays to leave Mace, but you'll see that knowing that the boys are happy and having fun and being loved during the day will make it so much easier :))

Will be thinking of you TONS!! xoxo

shay said...

The boys are absolutely adorable!! Love seeing pics of these cuties. As for returning to work, it will be hard. Take it one day at a time and know they are in good hands with your dad!

JenS said...

I don't really know *how* I do it, I just do. I wish I could give you some trick to help ease the transition. It will be hard at first and then it just becomes normal. You somehow learn to balance work and family. You enjoy all the time you do have together. You are lucky to have your dad to take care of the boys! (is he sure he knows what he's in for??? haha)I know having my husband home with the girls makes it slightly easier for me to leave them every day.
Good luck! I know it's hard, but you can do this.

Amber said...

I can't give you any words of advice because I'm pretty sure I'd have a hard time going back to work too, although the extra paycheck sure would be nice and relieve a lot of other stress. You are so lucky that your dad is able to watch them! I think that is fantastic. Those boys are sure adorable!

dspence said...

The boys are SO CUTE!! I'm praying for you and the return to work. It's so hard. Hugs!

Katie Jeanne said...

Oh. M. Gee! Seriously, you have the cutest boys ever! You can see their personality coming through in the pictures and they just melt my heart! I will be praying for you as you head back to work. I am thankful your dad can watch them, but it doesn't make it any easier. Somehow you will figure out a routine which works for you and it will all work out. However, it does take time. Enjoy all of the moments you do have together and know that your boys will have the biggest smiles for you when you get home from work! Stay strong mama and know that we are praying for you!

Em said...

So sorry about the maternity leave thing. yeah, it's so hard. you certainly aren't alone. your boys couldn't be cuter. and they have so many of the same clothes my boys do!!

Stephanie said...

The boys are getting so big! They are too cute! I don't know how you will be able to leave them either! :/

Allison Glover said...

Aubrey, your little guys are too handsome! Big changes for your family! So happy for you all, though the going back to work thing - eh. You are one strong mama; I hope your heart does okay sweetie. They will be in good hands, and - yes - I tell myself the same thing: I want to make some money for them and to contribute to the happy family!

Anonymous said...

Beautiful babies! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. You'll get through it just like you got through infertility, and that was a very difficult fight. You'll be upset and feel not right, like something is missing (two somethings), but then you'll be thankful that your dad is caring for them. THAT is priceless in terms of peace of mind. Plus you can call him 100x a day just to hear them coo, and he won't mind. Trust me, you'll adapt and you'll be okay! :) Susan

Jenni said...

Hi! I am a lurker, but since I read this tonight and tomorrow is your big day, I thought I'd comment! It's not easy being a working mom, but you will get used to it and it does get easier, so hang in there. You'll have good and bad days, but life is that way in general! I have returned to with three times, and cried each one, so don't feel bad if you are emotional tomorrow. Good luck!!

 
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