Monday, January 14, 2013

Hope(less)

Although my blog may suggest otherwise, most of the time, I really do have a lot of hope that someday... one day... I will have a baby.  The possibility that getting pregnant may never happen for me is something that I try to keep far, far away and out of my mind.  Rather, when I see something cute while flipping through a magazine or on TV, I'll declare to my husband that's what we'll do when we have a baby, or I'm definitely going to get that when we have a baby!  Statements and thoughts like these so effortlessly roll off my tongue.  It's almost as if my mind hasn't really even begun to process the possibility of never having a baby of my own.  And I guess that's a good thing, because that's where (along with every single piece of my heart) my hope comes from.  I try so hard every single day to grab ahold of that hope and to not let it go. 
But sometimes... a little bit of reality will sink in and it devastates me...

Yesterday I was hopeless.  I felt like a balloon that was slowly being deflated.  I was a little more upset after each hour had passed.  In fact, I was counting down the hours until it was a somewhat appropriate time for me to crawl into bed (6 p.m. - though thankfully I had pre Golden Globe shows to use as my excuse while Nick watched the football game).  For some reason I just couldn't get the negative thoughts out of my mind...

What if this FET doesn't work?  How could I even think that I might get pregnant?  I've literally done every single thing I possibly can - why would I think it's going to work this time?  Or next time?  Or the time after that?  I've done f-o-u-r cycles of IVF.  If none of those worked, am I crazy for thinking that a fifth will?  Should we move?  Why would we live here if we can't have a baby?  I can't be surrounded by friends having children of their own... that would kill me.  It pretty much already has...
Thankfully, though, today is a new day... a new week.  I'm praying for more hope and strength than I had yesterday.  I know that allowing my mind to dwell on the possibility of this never working isn't healthy, but on the other hand, if it does never happen... how healthy is it to convince myself otherwise only to be let down?

8 comments:

Erika said...

Girl, I totally know how you feel. It's so hard to know what the healthy balance is between hope (and what sometimes feels like blind optimism) and like...being pessimistic or faithless. The last few years I've been trying to find a balance in hoping and planning for the future I want/expect (that includes kids)...but also building a life that I love RIGHT NOW, even without kids in it. I was sick of living an unsatisfying life, waiting for a kid to come along and make it all better. I'm getting to a place where I'm happy where I am, and if a kid comes along- they will make it even better. But I can't wallow in misery waiting for that day to come. If that even makes any sense. :) Praying for you, friend.

nogoodeggs said...

You are NOT crazy for wanting to do another FET and hoping it will work! That is your embyro - of course you will do a FET!!! And you are not crazy for considering anotehr IVF - yoru doctors have been very positive that this could very well work for you!

Also - this is a freindly reminder that no matter how your children come into your life, they will be children of your own! They will not be anyone else's. You will be the one and only MOM!

Lya said...

Hey! I'm so glad I've found your blog! Makes me feel a little less lonely, you know :)

I hear you on this constant battle between being full of hope and feeling completely hopeless.
As I slowly learn to accept that this is out of my control things are looking a little brighter though.

Wishing you all the best!

Sarah Ish said...

Aubrey, be hopeful! You are not alone!
(hugs!)

Amanda Greavu said...

I find that I have the most hope when I'm actively cycling with meds, needles, ultrasounds, the whole shebang. My hope is pretty hard to find when it's all up to me.

I've gone from one extreme to the other as far as the "when we" "if we" thing. I use to say "when" EVERY time as if not saying it would some how jinx us or let in doubt. Now I NEVER say "when" but always "if" because "when" started to feel like I was claiming success in something that I honestly have no control over. Either way, I think you have to say and do what works for you to keep yourself as hopeful as possible while you deal with the past and look to the future.

It's a bumpy road behind you and a hard road still ahead. Take care of yourself. Praying that FET is the way to go and SUCCESS in on the way!

nogoodeggs said...

Just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for an award on my blog! http://nogoodeggs.wordpress.com/2013/01/16/awards-season/

Sarah said...

Hi Aubrey - Doing a little blog hopping and hopped over here! I didn't go through what you are, but some of my good friends did and I can imagine the pain you feel. I love your 'word of this post' though; hope, and know good things will be in store for you. Cheers to a wonderful 2013..... oh and Belle is just a doll! Hope you'll stop by and follow back!

Meredith said...

Hi Aubrey, also was doing some hopping and found you. I haven't been through what you have either, but my heart was breaking for you as I read. Will be praying for you today, thanks for sharing honestly.

 
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