Thursday, January 31, 2013

Unfulfilled

I know that when I write, I often say that this is one of the hardest parts of dealing with infertility.  But the truth is, it's all hard.  Every-single-part-of-it-is-hard.  The feelings that you have of fear, worry, sadness, despair, jealousy, envy, anger and did I mention the sadness?  All of that is hard.  The announcements of others' pregnancies, the conversations about others' children and just seeing a stranger that's pregnant.  All of that is hard, too.  I'm having a very difficult time dealing with all of the hard things that infertility has, so unfairly, brought into my life.  Forget feeling happy... I'm having a difficult time just feeling OK.  Because I'm not OK.  This is not OK. 

Lately I've been going, going, going.  I wake up, get ready for work (sometimes hop on the treadmill before showering), go to work, come home, eat (sometimes hop on the treadmill before or after dinner), go to a workout class or to acupuncture, come home and go to bed.  I realize that this is most people's normal routine, but not mine.  Usually, happy Aubrey, would go to work, come home, eat and relax.  I'd lay on the couch and do nothing with Nick.  And I loved it.  Now, not even OK Aubrey, can just sit and relax.  I don't even know what 'relax' is anymore.  Even if I am laying on the couch doing nothing, my mind is going, going, going and thinking, thinking, thinking and worrying, worrying, worrying.  If I keep busy, it helps my mind to focus on something else, even if just for an hour... until the pregnant woman chooses the matte next to me in my Barre workout class and because of her pregnancy, the instructor shows her modifications when we get to the abs series.  You know, because she, for whatever reason, gets to be the lucky one who is blessed with that beautiful protruding belly UGH!

Last night after coming home from my workout class, my husband could just tell that I was in a mood.  He knows why I'm moody nowadays and doesn't even have to ask.  He'll say that he wishes he could do something, but we both know he can't.  After all, he's not the reason any of this is happening.  I'm the reason.  Gulp.  Another really hard part of dealing with infertility.  We talked a little and I told Nick what was bothering me the most in that moment... I told him that if this doesn't eventually work, I will always feel unfulfilled.  A life without a child... how is that purposeful?  I mean, I'd get up, go to work, come home, eat and go to the gym.  Every day.  And that would be it?  That's all?  How is that fulfilling?  Purposeful?  How do people who have dealt with infertility, who never ended up finding success, deal with it?  How do you move on?  How do you feel OK again?  Would you ever feel happy again?  Truly happy?

7 comments:

nogoodeggs said...

Yes, you would. You have a greta husband, and your lives would be different than you planned, but you would be happy. It might take some time for you to figure out what that life would look like. Have you guys ever talked about this? We have and we came up with a few things. For one: travel. We would have money that we planned to spend on our kids that we could use to travel around the world. Secondly, politics. I think if we for some reason never have children, I would run for office. Perhaps you and Nick can spend some time thinking abotu what your lfie would be like. It may be painful at first, but I bet after some time you would both figure out what would be fulfilling for you two. Hugs!

Amanda Greavu said...

My heart is hurting for you Aubrey. I'm not in a great place to offer sage advise or words of wisdom or "the sun will come out tomorrow" reminders, but I'm thinking of you. I'm sorry any of us even have to think these thoughts or have these conversations.

Janet said...

I'm a new follower but just wanted to chime in and tell you that you are not alone in feeling this way. I'm here in the trenches with you. ((HUGS))

Lya said...

"who never ended up finding success".
I think one of the big questions is how one defines success. Is it a baby? Is it parenthood? Is it a happy life? I don't think a baby is the only way to make you an infertility survivor. For me it is when we get passed the point where infertility defines who we are.

I know how painful it is to be in the spot where you are right now. You will get through this. You will, because you don't really have a choice if you want to be you again.

What helps me to get passed those feelings/days (which of course still come up here and there) is to look at this journey with reversed roles. How would I feel if the issue of our infertility would be with my husband. Would I still let infertility take over my life? What would I do to comfort him? Would living childless still mean that my life is unfullfilled? How would it make me feel to see my husband is so much emotional pain? Would I find a way to live a happy life with the cards that were given to us?

That said, please remember your feelings are normal. To get through this journey is a challenging process.

the blogivers said...

Prayed this morning that you would feel hopeful, and if that wasn't possible, that others would continue hoping on your behalf... so, I'm hoping for you!

nogoodeggs said...

Ok, so I have been thinking about your post and my comment for a couple hours. I hope that my comment was not upseting. By no means do I mean to say that you need to 'resolve' to live child free. I think there is so much hope that your FET will work, and if it does not you have lots of other options to consider. What I meant to say is that thinking about whether or not I could live, physically live and breathe and find joy in some things, without children actually helped me. Realizing that I would be able to be happy and enjoy a (different kind of) life was essential because it took the pressure off me. And that is what I sucked at explaining in my first comment. When I thought I would physically die without children or that B and my marriage would be in ruin, it put sooooo much pressure on me for our cycle to work. When I let that go, I was still optimistic, but I felt a weight off my shoulders. And that what I want for you. I know you are not going to change your mind about wanting kids, but maybe you will be able to feel less pressure on youself if you do the hard work of thinking what a child free life would be like. Ok, I am done rambling now. I just wanted to try to do a better job explaining why this helped me feel less stressed!

Erika said...

I think that there's a lot of wisdom in what 'nogoodeggs' said (both times). It's hard, when you're in the trenches, to imagine that there's any kind of worthwhile life outside it, or that there's any good ending scenario that doesn't involve kids. Especially when you're actively pursuing treatments. But I can tell you from my experience, that when we took a break from treatments...well, at first it was even harder, because it felt like we were just doing nothing...wasting time...etc. But eventually I realized that I had to build a life that was worth living NOW. I couldn't just wait and wait for a kid to come along and complete my life. That's too much burden to put on a kid, anyway. I can't be a miserable person waiting for someone to come along and complete me, because what if they never come? Or what if they do, but I find I'm still a miserable person because I've been practicing the art of misery and self-pity for so many years that I don't know any other way to be? That terrified me. So to the best of my ability, I've been trying to build a life that I enjoy NOW. If for no other reason than it makes the waiting a lot more enjoyable if I'm actually doing/being something I want to do/be. It doesn't make the ache for a child any less. But at least now I feel like I have something to offer myself, and the world, and my husband, and eventually hopefully that baby, in the meantime.

 
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