Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Scared

I'm scared...

...to find out if I'm pregnant or not.

...to POAS.  Because what if I'm not pregnant?

...that I'll have to start over again.

...that I'll have to grieve, cry and feel the truest of true heart ache again.

...that my body has/will fail me again.

...that I'll have to write 'I'm not pregnant' on my blog again.

...that I'll have to make a decision - another FET here or CCRM.

...that I'll make the wrong decision.

...to have hope.

...to have faith.

...that I'll never have a baby of my own.

...that a part of me will never get over this.

...that I'll always carry sadness with me, where ever I go.

...that my life may look nothing like I had pictured and prayed for day after day and night after night.

...that I'll let my husband down.

What if I'm not pregnant?  What if this didn't work? 

I'm scared.

11 comments:

Erika said...

Love you, friend. Praying that your fears will be covered by God's grace to handle whatever comes next.

the blogivers said...

Prayed this morning that God would replace your fear with a peace that surpasses understanding!

Anonymous said...

I have been thinking about you and your husband and your journey and praying it will work out for yall. I was the one who left a comment the other day about my husband having an affair and while totally different it is the same. You are scared, let down, don't know what to expect next out of life, am I making the right decision, and thinking this isn't how it was supposed to happen! I've been there, I still am. It is hard! Life throws you challenges you don't expect sometimes and they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....well why do we need to be so strong? is what I ask myself because I'm not. I'm still sad and wonder will I ever get over this and be happy. But God has a plan for all of us. And while I really don't understand why he chose this path for us I'm hoping it is for a reason and life will be so much sweeter for both of us since we have walked down a path of trial and pain. Best of luck and either way whether that test says negative or positive know that you will be a Mom oneday and while it may not be the way you always had in mind it would happen it will be amazing when it does happen. And I hope my marriage...although this was never ever the path I thought it would turn, I do hope it will be amazing and we can learn and grow from this and I can find joy again from all the pain. Best of luck and know you have several people praying for you. I also read another infertility blog which she has now adopted called Chapters and she is great with writing her thoughts and fears and challenges of dealing with the pain of infertility however she is the happiest mama now and their adopted baby looks like them and seems to be the perfect match. I pray you find peace in whatever journey to motherhood that you go through and I hope you find joy again sooner than later. I wish that for everyone in a challenging point in their life right now.

Sarah Ish said...

I don't know if this would cheers you up a bit-- DH and I planned a mid summer day wedding 3 years ago in a beautiful garden. It was a wet months and fast approching the reception date we had nothing but thunder storms. I kept looking at the weather forecast but nothing looked optimistic, it looked like we had to leave it to the nature's hand and possibly give up the would-be-gorgeous out door reception, even though this was going to one of the most memorable day in my life, and there was nothing we can do to control the weather. However, the weather turned unexpectedly sunny and clear on that day all the way into a peacful night. The reception was more exciting and beautiful than I ever expected. The next day it went back to stormy weather again. Till this day I think it's beyond fortunate to be so lucky in a situation where I could not have expected anything more. :)

Lya said...

Oh, Aubrey, I'm so sorry you are in this place. I can only imagine what you are going through right now and I'm scared sh%43less that I will be in the exact same spot 7-8 weeks from now.
I have no advice on how to get through this please know that I'm thinking of you. xoxo

Amy said...

Of course you're scared. We've been through this too many times before to feel anything else.
We know what will happen if it doesn't work. It is scary. I always resent when people tell me to be positive or hopeful.
So...I will be hopeful for you.

Amber said...

You're voicing what every one of us has felt at one time or another. All I can say is good luck, hang in there, and give you a great big virtual huge through the computer!

JenS said...

I feel like I could have written this. I am in my 2WW for my 3rd IVF (transfer was on 2/12). I am usually more eager to test but this time I almost don't want to know. I am so afraid of a negative and what it might do to me. Fingers crossed for both of us.

Diana said...

Oh hun, I feel you. I just had my first ER this morning and am scared out of my mind. As soon as we cross one bridge, it's like I'm right up on another one with this constant worry. I will be praying for you :) hopefully we will have similar due dates very soon. Big hug, Hang in there!

dspence said...

I know how overwhelming fear can be. Continuing to think of and pray for you to experience the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Sally said...

Hang in there!! Still thinking of you!! Sending tons of good thoughts and hope that you will have some peace and calm!!

 
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