Monday, February 11, 2013

Out with it

After IVF #2, I stopped live-blogging about my cycles.  For some reason, it was difficult for me to provide updates on my third and fourth cycles as things progressed.  A part of me felt that sharing everything, step by step, caused more pressure during those times that were already filled with the utmost worry.  I sort of convinced myself that the more people knew, the more I'd have to explain when I learned that my cycle failed... again.  I also felt somewhat embarrassed that cycle after cycle, my body continuously failed me.  It became extremely difficult for me to deal with the ultimate let downs on my own, that I thought the less I shared, the easier it would be for me to fill people in on the negative results. 

Now, as I near my transfer date for my first ever FET, I'm feeling compelled to share the steps and progress in this cycle.  I chose to start this blog as an outlet for myself during this most difficult time in my life and I don't want to leave out major steps that I've taken along the way.  As my blog has grown a little and as I've connected more with great women, many of whom are also dealing with their own slice of unfairness that infertility has bestowed upon us, I've become more scared to share the reality of what I'm going through... currently.  And, I don't know why, exactly.  Maybe because I want to keep some of my journey private - not because I don't think I'll have the love and support of family, real-life friends and blog friends - but because dealing with the devastation of yet another failure is HARD.  I began to think that I needed to grieve my loss(es) before sharing with others.  And if I live-blogged about my cycle every step of the way, then perhaps I'd feel obligated to share that terribly awful news with everyone right away - before I would feel ready.  But as my current FET cycle has progressed, sharing and recording the steps have been on my mind.

This cycle has been different.  As mentioned, I've only ever had fresh IVF cycles.  With a frozen cycle, there is a lot less monitoring.  I've only had one ultrasound (on Friday) and three blood draws to test my estrogen levels.  I've been taking Estrace (orally) and haven't had to administer a single shot until Friday night when I was instructed to begin the oh-so-dreaded PIO injections.  With the differences in this cycle from a fresh cycle, have come much different emotions.  In my previous fresh cycles, I would celebrate the small victories as they happened (the addition of follicles, the growth of follicles, etc., etc.) and each time, those victories would bring me a little more hope.  This time, with a FET, I don't have those small victories to celebrate.  Instead, I'm left to worry, worry, worry.  Worry that my embryos won't thaw as they should.  Worry that this cycle will be cancelled due to the potential poor quality of my embryos after they've thawed.  And of course, worry that this cycle will fail... yet again.  I know that all of this is out of my control, but the worry is still there.  A lot of people say that FET cycles are easier on your body than a fresh cycle.  Well, I may have taken less medicine and less hormones this time, but my body doesn't feel much more rested.  In fact, mentally, I'm going nuts.  I feel out of the loop this cycle compared to past, fresh cycles. 
Anyway, this time, we are praying for a miracle Valentine baby.  My transfer is scheduled for Thursday, February 14th - Valentine's Day.  I told my husband tonight that my fears are really starting to set in.  It's almost as if, on the surface, I don't want to even go through with it.  Prior to a transfer, I know where things stand.  I know that I'm not pregnant.  Prior to a transfer, I've already dealt with the grief and pain of my past failed cycle.  I've begun to move on.  Hope and Faith have slowly begun to be restored.  But then, once I have a transfer, it's all up in the air again.  The potential for another loss is right around the corner.  The potential for another loss is real. 

But, the potential for success is also right around the corner, and is just as real.  And that's what I'm trying to hold onto.

So, as I try to crawl out from under my hole of cycle secrecy, I'm clinging to the fact that even though I may not have as much hope as I'd like to have this time, I know my family, real-life friends and blog friends will hope for me.  And you all have become so much more reason for me to share my journey - as it happens.  So, thank you.  And please, if you would, pray for us and for our potential miracle Valentine baby.



the blogivers said...

I certainly understand your hesitation in sharing this time around, but I'm glad you shared your transfer date so we can be praying extra hard on the 14th!

Amanda said...

I'm hoping for you Aubrey! I'm so glad you shared your transfer date! On my knees for you friend! Lots of love!

Anonymous said...

I am hoping for you!! I am sending positive vibes that this will be your BFP cycle! There is a lot to worry about and when you do an FET or donor cycle, you are less active and involved in it, so there is more time to worry! Please use your blog friends for support!! Hugs!

dspence said...

Praying for you, abiding with you. Hoping this is it.

Christen said...

Praying for you two!! We're here for you!!

conceptionally challenged said...

Sending many good thoughts your way, especially tomorrow. It would be such a wonderful miracle!

Amy said...

I'm the same way. I started my blog as we were about to start IVF#1 and shared everything, step by step. That certainly changed for IVF#2. The level of excitement has certainly changed. Well, it's gone. Now it's just so different.
I'm so hoping your Valentine babies are the ones you get to hold in your arms.

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