Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Yesterday & Today

For the past day and a half as I've sat listening to my company's senior leadership present on sales goals, service structure and transformation, my mind has been anywhere but there.  Rather, I'm focusing on keeping my tears at bay and literally making it through each session without having to bolt to the bathroom to release my built up emotions.  At one point this afternoon, a glass filled with water sat in front of me.  While my company's CEO spoke, all I could think about was how I was going to reach out for the glass and not drop it.  I was focusing on just being able to grasp the glass tight enough so that it wouldn't slip through my fingers, similar to how my two 'babies' recently did just that.  Along with losing my tenth and eleventh should-have-been babies, I fear that I'm losing myself.

I'm not present.  I'm far away dreaming of a life that may never exist for me.  Worrying about what's next and if what is next will even work.  In my head I'm considering other options.  Unfortunately, none of which would guarantee a baby as a result. 

My company's sales meetings are very 'rah-rah'.  Listen to us tell you how great we are, how great you are and then get out there and do your job... excel at it... give it your all.  Blah, blah, blah.  An NBA Hall of Famer (Rick Barry... never heard of him to be honest with you) gave a speech to close out today's sessions.  He encouraged us to try, because if you try, you will succeed.  I rolled my eyes.  It's just not true.  Yes, maybe if you keep trying to sink a free throw, you'll eventually get the ball in the hoop.  But, if you keep trying to have a baby, you won't necessarily succeed... maybe not ever.  Trust me, after five very unsuccessful IVF transfers, I'm starting to really wonder if I will ever succeed at becoming a mom.

I've had a rough couple of days.  It's pretty damn difficult focusing on my current job and career, knowing full well that I may never be 'promoted' to the position that I really want to hold.  Motherhood. 

10 comments:

Erika said...

Aubreeeeey...I hate this for you. First of all- that kind of work conference sounds super obnoxious even under the best of circumstances. And in your circumstances...? Wow. I'm impressed you haven't stabbed your eyes out with a pen yet or something. I wish I had some great advice for you, but I definitely do not...just know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you and thankful for your friendship.

Amy said...

My heart breaks for you.
I feel the same. Why should I care about work when the only job I want in my life is to be a mom.

the blogivers said...

Nothing inspirational to share today, but I think you need to get yourself a punching bag and some gloves like Erika has recently done...

Aramis said...

As hard as it is to be at work, at least it gives you something to TRY to focus your mind on instead of staying home and dwelling on things. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

JenS said...

I am so sorry. That sounds like a horrible environment to be having to deal with all of this. Only a few more days to the weekend and you can let it all out and take care of yourself.

Lya said...

Oh, no! What a bad time for such a conference. I'm sorry you have to be there and just play along.
Please know that we are all here to send you supporting and loving thoughts.

Amanda Greavu said...

Aubrey, I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm with Erika, I have nothing particularly helpful, intelligent, thought provoking, or uplifting to offer. It all just sounds like platitudes in my head. But I do think that you're incredibly strong woman. I know I wouldn't be sitting in that conference this week. I'm really impressed.

Thinking of you and praying for you.

lamentingthelentil said...

I wish I had some words, but I don't. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I'm thinking of you over here. xo.

nogoodeggs said...

Oh girl. I am just impressed you actually made it through without feigning illness. That is to be rewarded. This sucks. Someone on my blog today wrote that this is a new kind of hell. That is the most accurate phrase I have heard. Hugs

Risa said...

Oh Aubrey, I'm so sorry. That sounds like such an annoying meeting to sit through. Hugs to you.

 
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