Past Easters

We had Friday off from work and drove to Connecticut for the holiday weekend. Today I planted my butt on the floor in front of lots of old family albums and found these pictures from past Easters.... (I can't believe I'm sharing these. Clearly, I had lots of amazingly awful haircuts...):

(like that bowl cut circa 1984)

Happy Easter!

Lately...

I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off the past week or so.  I'm  o-v-e-r-w-h-e-l-m-e-d, people!!  Getting ready to head to Colorado for the ODWU has been more work than I had initially thought (not that I'm complaining - at all!).  I'm beginning to realize that cycling at a clinic out of state (half way across the country) can be... well... complicated.

Late last week, I decided to take matters into my own hands and order myself the etegrity Beta 3 test.  I actually have to pat myself on the back for this (and thank so many friends whose input is really what made me just go ahead and bite the bullet).  Anyway, I ordered the kit last Thursday (received it on Friday) and spent pretty much all day Thursday and Friday going back and forth with my ObGyn's office as to what exactly I was looking to have scheduled.  Over the weekend I started to wonder if I should just call my local RE about this (even though that's not really the route I want to go).  On Monday I was able to speak with the Nurse Practitioner at my doctor's office and explained to her that all I really need is an endometrial biopsy... Except, that it specifically needs to be done nine to eleven days after my LH surge during my next cycle (which will be after I return home from the ODWU).  I ended up scheduling the biopsy for a day that I think (hope and pray) will work, based on what are my usually regular cycles.  Fingers crossed that I won't have to deal with an irregular cycle causing me to have to cancel and reschedule this!

Now that I have the endometrial biopsy scheduled, I'm thinking about life after the ODWU.  A cycle with CCRM would mean that I'd have to have day three blood work drawn locally.  I'd then need to freeze the spun serum and send it back to the lab in Colorado for testing.  No biggie, right?  But this has had me stressed over where I should even go to have my blood drawn - as I know not every lab would be equipped to spin my blood and then hand it back over to me.  Oh, and speaking of day three blood work.  And stress.  I'm so nervous and so stressed about this.  What will CCRM's lab get as a result for my FSH level?  It's very possible that it's increased significantly since the last time I had it tested.  And I've never even had my AMH level tested... will I learn that my diagnosis of DOR is much worse than I'd been told? 

And then... if my levels are fine (well, we know they're not fine.  But, if they're not much worse than my (so far) highest FSH level of 18.6), then that means we'll carry on with moving closer to our CCRM stim cycle.  And in that case, I'll need to have at least one (possibly more depending upon the protocol Dr. Schoolcraft suggests) baseline ultrasound and a blood draw here, locally.  CCRM will need the same day results and so, with that, I'm trying to figure out where I should go to have those done.  I initially thought that I'd use my local RE for much of my early monitoring and testing before heading out to CCRM however, my feelings on that have changed, leaving me a bit perplexed as to where I should go...

All this to say that choosing to go to CCRM is obviously a huge decision  -  and that it certainly doesn't just end there.  This has become somewhat of a full-time job for me.  And while I'm one million percent convinced that going to CCRM is the right choice for us, I'm quickly realizing that it's a big, BIG, commitment.  But, it's a BIG commitment, that I'm beyond ready and willing to take.  I told my husband this morning after going through my checklist of things to do, research and look into today, that this is my absolute top priority. 

And well, with that, I'm just so ready to get the show on the road - to begin the process, have the ODWU and to take each step closer to my miracle baby.

Strength & Resilience

I've been thinking about this post that my sweet blog friend, Kimberly, wrote ever since I read it yesterday morning.  Kimberly's post is about strength and resilience when dealing with infertility and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.  If you haven't read it, you should.  And if you do read it, I hope it brings you to some of the same realizations that it brought to me.

When I think about my infertility (which I do... all.day.long), I think about the heart ache, pain and sadness that it has brought into my life.  And with every passing day, it has only gotten worse.  My heart aches more with every single day that passes.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a hurt woman.  I see depression.  I see weakness.  In fact, not only do I see the weakness that stares back at me, but I feel that weakness.  I feel it with each and every monthly bout of cramps I get signaling that my period is just around the corner.  And I feel it with swollen eyes that sting from the tears that fall down my cheeks every night as I go to bed and silently say my prayers.

I tend to focus so much on the despair that infertility has caused me, that I've almost never thought about the strength and resilience that it's given me (truth: I'd much rather be pregnant than be strong or resilient, but I digress).

I have a co-worker who has become a dear friend to me and who knows about my infertility journey, in detail.  She hasn't experienced infertility herself, but has experienced a terrible loss which has allowed her to relate to the extreme pain and sadness that I feel on a daily basis.  She also is about fifteen years older than me, with children in elementary school (the scorned infertile that I am notes this because it means that I most likely don't have to worry about her announcing a pregnancy any time soon).  There have been many times that I've come into work and have shared my sadness with my co-worker/friend.  I've told her about bad nights and bad weekends that I just couldn't seem to get myself together because I'd been plagued by the horribleness of infertility.  In those instances, my co-worker/friend would always respond with the utmost empathy and would then look me straight in the eyes and tell me that when she looks at me she sees strength.  In fact, she tells me that I'm one of the most strong people that she's ever met (ha!).  When I hear this, I have to laugh.  I normally roll my eyes at her and continue on with my day. 

Strong?!  Me?!  The person who pretty much cries herself to sleep every night?  Who's let most of her friendships slip because she can barely focus on anyone but herself (and her bad eggs and faulty uterus)?  Whose infertility has literally taken over her life?!  Nah... that's not me.  I'm the weak girl over there in the corner, ashamed of herself and of her failure of a body.  The girl whose eyes reflect heart ache, pain and sadness.  Sadly, that's really how I think of myself (thanks, infertility). 

Actually, it's how I thought of myself...

Kimberly, your post truly brought tears to my eyes.  It one hundred percent took my breath away.  It was like a light bulb went off in my head...

I AM strong.  I AM resilient.

I know that infertility is something that will always make me sad.  It will always cause me pain.  And it will always break my heart.  But, I now see that it's also something that has made me stronger and more resilient.  I will not give up on my miracle baby.  My strength and my resilience will carry me through the saddest and most painful of days.  I know that because it's already carried me through the sad and painful days so far (all of them). 

I pray that with God's help, my strength and resilience will continue to shine through, even if just a little.  Enough to continue to carry me through the sad and painful days that are sure to lie ahead on this most tumultuous and difficult journey.

Love

A break from infertility today to share some of the things I LOVED this weekend.

Nick and I joined my sister and her boyfriend at their apartment this afternoon for a late lunch and some delicious lemon raspberry cupcakes.  Whit and I donned our cute little house shoes and we, of course, took picture after picture...

Whit and I clearly think that our picture-taking is hilarious and just so.much.fun.  The guys clearly disagree.  See:

Nick finally refused to take any more pictures of us, so we took matters into our own hands.  These selfies are the result (see? so.much.fun!):

And of course, I can't share a picture-filled post of things I LOVED this weekend without including these:

 ...Back to the reality of infertility tomorrow (I hate that).  Calling my OBGYN's office and explaining/scheduling  the etegrity Beta 3 integrin test is first on my list.

Aubrey the Infertile

Lately I've felt as though I'm living two different lives - but they're two different lives that switch from one to the other oh-so-quickly, in just an instant.

I open my eyes every morning as an infertile, barren, scorned, sad and desperate woman.  I get in the shower, praying the whole time for my miracle baby.  I blow dry my hair in our spare bedroom (which should be a nursery by now) while Nick showers.  When he gets out, he always asks how I am and the answer is always the same:  not good.  He doesn't have to ask why. 

We drive to work together and while Nick listens to sports radio I check blogs.  I'm still living the sad and pitiful life of an infertile. 

I get to work and my day of insurance starts.  Joy.  Infertility leaves me as I begin to answer e-mail after e-mail and my never ending ringing phone.  Instead of focusing on cycle days, CCRM and my overall sadness for being baby-less, I'm now focusing on fixing my clients' billing, claims and contract issues.  But at the drop of a hat, my life as an infertile comes right back.  Literally, just like that.  As I'm being berated by clients with problems that seem so minimal compared to the problem of a woman trying with all of her might to get pregnant but can't, I quickly (un)welcome Aubrey the Infertile back into my life.  Aubrey the Infertile sticks around until I'm consumed again by my work. 

Throughout the day I'm fighting Aubrey the Infertile off.  It's so difficult.  My infertility is always on my mind.  My sadness is always there, as well.  Yes, sometimes it's covered up by my trying to act happy in front of someone who may not know any of what I'm going through i.e. certain co-workers, my clients, brokers, a lot of friends and even some extended family of ours, but it's still there.  Its always there.  I try my hardest to smile as someone at work tells me a story about their adorable children.  But as soon as they turn around to walk away, Aubrey the Infertile is back, even more scorned than before.  Typically I say something under my breath like you lucky a-hole and then bury myself back in my work.  Which helps until a co-worker tells me she's taking a week off in April because it's her kids' April vacation.  Again, (un)welcome back Aubrey the Infertile.  I immediately think great, take a week off to spend with your kids, you lucky bleep.  I'll be taking a few weeks off soon just to try to get pregnant.  My vacation will be in Colorado this year.  With doctor's appointments and shots every day.  But the odds are against me.  So don't worry, we probably won't have to fight over who gets to take April vacation week off in the years to come.

Finally my work day ends and Nick and I drive home.  Aubrey and Aubrey the Infertile are too exhausted to say much of anything other than ideas for what to make for dinner.  We eat and a few times during the week I go to my barre workout class.  I'm ready to focus on Aubrey, not Aubrey the Infertile.  I'm ready to just forget.  About everything.  About my infertility.  Until the most beautiful, thin and visibly happy girl picks the matte next to mine (I say 'girl' because she's probably at least five years younger than me).  She's talking to her friend about her most perfect kids at home.  I want to barf.  On the other side of me is someone who I learn is pregnant five minutes into the class because the instructor calls out modifications for those who are expecting.  Again, I want to barf.  I can't escape it.  I can't get away from fertile myrtles.  I can't get away my own infertility.

Infertility is me.  It's who I am.  I guess there is no escaping it.  It's my life.

It's my life at home, at work, at social functions, at the gym. 

It's my life when I'm talking to a client, to a family member, to a dear friend. 

It was my life then, it is my life now and it will even be my life in the future, regardless of what happens. 

But regardless of what does happen, I just want to wake up one day and when Nick asks me how I am, I want to tell him that I'm good.  And I want to mean it.  And then I want to have to blow dry my hair in the bathroom while he showers, because I won't want to wake my miracle baby.

It just has to be said

If you know someone who...

has struggled with infertility for 2+ years...

has had three failed IUI's...

has had four failed IVF's...

has had one failed FET...

is grasping at straws...

finally decided to travel half way across the country to be seen by one of the nation's best Reproductive Endocrinologists...

is willing to empty her savings account and take out a hefty loan for only a 25% chance of success...

wants a baby... more than anything in the whole entire world...

...Then don't tell that person to just relax.

Please. 

Just don't.

What I Learned Yesterday...

1.  My medical records from my local RE made their way to Colorado and are ready for Dr. S to review.  Yay!  (Dr. S has my records up through my second failed IVF when we had our phone consult.  Since 6+ months have passed since then, I had to get my more recent records out there.)

2.  The fax machine at my GYN's office has been 'having problems' and they can't seem to find my faxed request to have my pathology report from my last exam sent to CCRM.  Annoying.

3.  My local RE gave up on me.  Well, at least that's what I think.  I do still love her, but she obviously heard I had requested that my records be sent to CCRM.  I called yesterday and left a message for her to call me back (I want to get her formal recommendation on a suggested next step for me so that I can let Dr. S know next month when we're at the ODWU).  When she called me, she asked "how can I help you, Aubrey?"  I felt like screaming "YOU CAN HELP ME BY GIVING ME YOUR RECOMMENDATION AS TO WHAT I SHOULD DO NEXT!!  DON'T YOU REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU'D CALL ME BACK... THREE WEEKS AGO?!".  Instead, I was super nice, full well knowing that I may need her to help me out with an ultrasound and/or blood draw at some point in the future.

And truthfully, I do still love my local RE.  But, I just can't help feeling like she dropped the ball and didn't call me back simply because she heard that I faxed a request for my records to be sent to Colorado.  Even more frustrating is that she knew we were considering CCRM.  She knew we had a phone consult with Dr. S over six months ago and that this option has been on our minds ever since.

Oh well.

4.  My local RE's formal recommendation is for me to do another FET (same protocol as last time... you know, the last time... that resulted in my FIFTH failure!) with the two frozen embryos I have here, in their lab.  If that doesn't work, go through another full IVF cycle and do genetic screening on the embryos that we get.  Funny, because this is exactly one of the reasons we're going to CCRM - for one of the best labs and embryologists in the nation. 

5.  We definitely made the right choice in deciding to go to CCRM.  Definitely.

6.  That I really need to look into the Beta 3 integrin test.  It's on my list of things to research and to talk to Dr. S about.  Is my biggest issue really my high FSH?  Could it be something else??

7.  That I've been blessed in this awful journey of infertility to have found each and every one of you.  Really.  Knowing that I can reach out to my blog friends for advice and support is so comforting.  I'm so thankful for all of you!

And last, but most certainly not least...

8.  My little puppy is the best snuggler in the whole entire world.  She was by my side all day yesterday and my heart was so full.

Punxsutawney Phil Doesn't Know What He's Talking About!

Back in February Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow.  Early Spring, right?  Well, think again.  This is what we woke up to this morning, on March n-i-n-e-t-e-e-n-t-h!!

Luckily, 10.5 inches of snow means a work from home day and lots of snuggles with my little monkey:

Some Thoughts and FAITH

I want to write something because I have so much on my mind.  Yet, at the same time, I have no idea what to say.  So... I'm going to just put it all out there.  Here are my thoughts on infertility today:

- Friends.  The lack of friends.  Friends who have disappeared.  Is it them?  Is it me?  My relationship with (most of) my friends really started to slip back at the end of the summer in 2011.  At that point, Nick and I were well on our way to trying to get pregnant on our own (I ended up first going to my doctor in October, 2011).  One friend announced her pregnancy at the end of August (and who now actually just recently announced that she is expecting baby number two this summer.  Ugh.).  That was it for me.  I knew that, as I started on all sorts of hormone medications and the crazy, scary path of infertility, one of my 'closest' friends was starting on her journey to mommy-hood.  Ouch.  I pulled back.  Big time.  And to be honest, aside from her baby shower, I don't think I've joined that group of friends on any of their get-togethers since.  I couldn't be around her (the friend who was expecting).  I just couldn't handle it.  I still can't.  About a year ago, I shared with this particular friend and also another friend with whom I was closer to (compared to others in this 'group'), the story about my struggle with infertility.  Sadly, the response I got was less than anything I'd ever expect from a friend.  On one hand, I think that maybe these friends couldn't get over the fact that I had waited so long to share this (something that is so personal) with them and that they're actually angry with me.  Therefore, they don't care to be supportive.  On the other hand, I wonder if maybe these friends don't know what to say, don't know what to do or fear saying and/or doing the wrong thing.  Maybe I've pushed them away for so long that they don't feel comfortable comforting me and being there for me (in fact, my friend who is expecting baby number two didn't even tell me - I heard it through the grapevine).  I don't know what it is.  But, I do know that I'm equally to blame for friendships (and not just the two that I've described above) ending.  And that's hard.  Along with everything else that infertility has bestowed upon me, is guilt for pulling back from a lot of my relationships because it's just too difficult.  Too difficult to care about what someone else may be going through (I know that sounds so awful), too difficult to be 'present' when all I can do is think of my infertility - focusing on the next time I have to give myself a shot, when my doctor will call, how to excuse myself so that I can speak to my nurse or doctor in a private area.  It's too difficult worrying about what I'll do if someone announces their pregnancy - how will I react?  Will I be able to mask my extreme sadness (for myself)?  Will I be able to stop the tears from flowing?  The answer is that I probably won't be able to mask my sadness or stop my tears, so I've just pulled back completely.

- Happiness.  Where did you go, true happiness?  I haven't felt you in two years.  Sure, during this time I've done things that have been fun (Nick's and my amazing trip to California, a long weekend in DC/Virginia with my super supportive and loving family - and especially my Nana, holidays with Nick's family and my family, birthday parties, dinner nights, etc. etc. etc.).  But looking back, those fun times are completely over-shadowed by my sadness.  When I look at myself in pictures, I see sad eyes full of sorrow and heart ache - there's no hiding it.  But, do you want to know the crazy thing?  I'm totally willing to put my true happiness on hold... for now.  Right now, as sad as this is to say, I don't believe I'll ever truly be happy without a baby of my own.  Now, deep down I know that eventually, I may have to come to terms with this.  I'll need to somehow, somewhere find true happiness again - even if I don't have a baby of my own.  But, right now?  Right now I won't be happy until I am pregnant.  I won't be happy until I've overcome infertility.  I'm not ready to find happiness somewhere else... yet.  And so, I just keep going... moving along.  Trying to at least look happy as I put one foot in front of the other. 

- Hope.  It's all I can do, right?  The odds are against me.  One of the top infertility doctors in the nation gave me a 25% chance of conceiving (with my own eggs) with IVF (and that's only from just looking at my medical records - once he meets me and does tests of his own, there's the possibility of this percentage decreasing).  In other words, every time I do a cycle of IVF, there's a 75% chance that it won't work.  Gulp.  So far, I've been in that 75% chance of failure with every cycle that I've had.  BUT... I don't think of it that way (surprising, isn't it?!).  Rather, I hold onto that dismal 25% chance.  Could it be a lot better?  Ummm, YES!  But, it also could be worse.  I haven't been told that there's no chance (yet).  And so... I have hope.  In fact, I guess I have a lot of it.

- Faith.  Oh, Faith.  This word truly brings tears to my eyes.  I've had a struggle with my faith recently as I continue to navigate my way through this horrible journey of infertility.  Some days I feel like I have more faith than anyone in the whole wide world.  Truly.  When I close my eyes, this is what I see:  (In one of our spare bedrooms is a bed and dresser.  This will be the nursery.)  I can see this room with nothing in it other than a cream colored area rug and a Pottery Barn glider (that I will buy someday).  Sitting in the glider is me.  With a big round belly.  Belle will obviously be on the ottoman at my feet (actually, who am I kidding?!  She'll probably be right up with me and my baby belly!).  And I'll be praying, thanking God so profusely for my blessing.  My miracle.  My vision gives me chills.  Some days I see it so clearly.  Other days, though?  Well, other days it's so far out of my sight.  No matter how hard I close my eyes, I can't picture it.  The vision is gone.  I try so hard to put those pictures back in my sight, but I can't.  And that's when I lose faith.  I often wonder why this is happening to me.  Why did God have to make me with less eggs?  With eggs that are bad?  Will I ever get pregnant?  Will we have our miracle baby someday?  When?!  Sadly, I'll never know the answers to these questions (which kills me).  I have to just keep navigating my way through this awful journey to see how it turns out.  And to do that, I know that I have to have Faith. 

And, speaking of Faith... I bought myself a St. Patrick's Day gift yesterday.  Since my husband is 100% Greek, he never grew up celebrating March 17th.  Over the years, I've teased my 100% Greek husband, explaining just how important this day really is and that it should be celebrated in some way or another - especially if you're Irish... which, lucky for me, I am!  So, on this day (yesterday) I got Nick to not only buy me a shamrock shake :), but he also finally agreed to let me design my own new Nike sneakers (hey, Greeks get to benefit from having Name Days, so this is only fair!).  They had to be the custom designed sneakers so that I could choose an "ID" that will be sewn into the tongues. 

...And so now every time I look down at my sneakers, I'll see FAITH.

Is it possible...

That we'll ever go from this...

To this...?

We spent last night with Nick's sisters, their husbands and our niece and nephews.  The six of us have a strong bond and have always been close.  We spent two weeks together in Greece five and a half years ago and since then have always loved our "sibling nights".  Many times, Nick and I would rather sit around a table with beer, wine and a cribbage board in the company of my sisters in law and brothers in law than a night out with our friends.

Both of my sisters in law experienced infertility themselves.  One is currently struggling with secondary infertility and is pleading with God to bless her with a sibling for her six year old son.  They understand where I am in this most painful journey.  They get it (and I'm truly so thankful for that).  BUT... they both overcame it. They both have children.  They gave me two beautiful nephews and one beautiful niece.  They made me an Auntie, a job that I love.  But that job also breaks my heart.  I look at those little faces and my heart melts.  Will being an Aunt be the closest I'll ever get to being a mom?  Will these children (and other children, someday, from my sister) be the closest children I'll ever have to my own?

Is it possible that I can give my niece and nephews another cousin?  Is it possible that we can have a family, beyond just the one that consists of me, Nick and Belle?

Will God ever grant me my most desired wish?  I don't want to feel left out anymore... left out of the mommy club.  My heart aches today.

Praying that at least a little bit of good luck will be had by all today - Happy St. Patrick's Day! 

xoxo

Abby vs. Christi

 VS.

First.  Yes, I admit it.  Since I'm actually writing a post about a recent Dance Moms episode, I clearly have a TV addiction.  It's okay though, you already know that from this recent post.

Anyway, last night I watched Tuesday's marathon episode (two hours - oy!  Nick chose to complain the whole time rather than watching something else on one of the other TV's in our house) and I'm honestly still seething over one of the Mom's really rude and really hurtful comments.

Yes, Abby is rude, crude and really tough on those little girls.  In fact, most episodes I find myself hollering back at the TV after watching Abby treat those kids so poorly.  It's upsetting - but I still watch.  And then there's the moms... who basically are all proof that middle school aged girls never change.  Girls can be mean.  They can be hurtful.  And that's exactly what Mean Christi was in the episode that I watched last night.

Mean Christi said something along the lines of God probably being happy that He didn't make Abby a mother (because of the way she treats the Dance Moms' children).  And you know what?  I seriously felt heart broken for Abby in that instant.  Abby is not  a nice person and she does not treat those little girls well, BUT that awful statement from Mean Christi is just unacceptable in my book.  Unacceptable.

What if Abby suffered, at some point in her life, through infertility?  Maybe she did.  Maybe she still is suffering. 

And so, for just the possibility of that reason alone, Mean Christi, you lose.  You lose big time.  Abby wins (until the next episode when I'm back to hollering at her (at the TV) for treating those little girls so poorly).

That's all.  Except, wait.  Yes, I know.  I'm ridiculous for even thinking about hitting 'publish' in a minute...

...But, oh well.  Now back to work.  (Clearly) I'm slacking today.  But it's Friday.  So I guess that's OK?

Happy weekending (we're doing our taxes tomorrow and are hoping for a good return to put toward our CCRM fund)!

Will I Ever.....?

...have a baby?

...be a mom?

...get to take weekly bump pictures?

...be able to go to parent-teacher conferences?

...be able to help my child(ren) with their homework (let's face it, this type A, school-supply lover who was supposed to be a French teacher can't wait to help my hopefully someday child(ren) with their homework and book reports!)?

...be able to take a family vacation to Disney World?  That magical place isn't nearly as fun without the wide eyes and smiles of children.  No children = childless resorts for me.  Sandals resorts for life?

...be a Nana?

...make my mom a Nana?

...make my dad a Papa?

...get to give my already chosen names to my baby(ies)?

...not have to sit like a bump on a log at work lunches when everyone else is talking about their children?

...feel true happiness again?

As time passes and as our ODWU is approaching (a little more than three weeks away!), I'm trying to brace myself for the possibility of another failure.  Even with a cycle at CCRM.

Remember when I wrote about our phone consultation back in August?  Dr. S. had said that his best guess is that we would have a 25% chance of conceiving (with IVF) with my own eggs.  I took that as a one in four chance.  Well, I've had four IVF's and none worked.  I've had five transfers and zero out of eleven embryos, that I became oh so attached to, implanted.

I need to prepare myself.  This may not work.  And I can't expect that it will. 

But, I have to have Hope.  And Faith.  I have to trust God - trust that He didn't put this yearning in my heart for a baby for no reason.

infertility via someecards

I can't seem to find the words to describe how I'm feeling lately....

But, I wanted to thank someecards for saying exactly what's on my mind!

 ahem, Belle is awesome!

Thoughts (about The Bachelor) of an Infertile

Tonight on After the Final Rose, Chris Harrison kept saying that Sean and Catherine had an announcement...

If you're infertile and if you're like me, then you were definitely telling your husband 'great, they're probably pregnant, too.'

Even though Sean being a born again virgin has been plastered all over the gossip magazines, that seriously was what went through my mind.

I hate you, infertility!

My Shows - An Infertility Blog Filler Post

The throes and woes of infertility have my brain working on overdrive lately and I can't seem to get my thoughts (and my worries, fears, anxiety, etc., etc., etc.) organized enough to write about.   So... I figured I'd share what I'm currently watching as an infertility blog filler post.   

 

Sometimes I feel like my life literally revolves around my TV show schedule (well, that and infertility, too, of course).  The other night, I was asked what shows I currently watch and I quickly realized that I might as well be a teenage girl.  Here's why:

 

Sunday:

Keeping Up With The Kardashians (currently Kourtney & Kim Take Miami)

I'm still not over Kim being pregnant.  Ugh!

 

Girls

I seriously have to cover my eyes with my hands for half of the show because Hannah Banana is so... well... gross, but I just love it!

Shameless

William H. Macy is amazing in this show.  His character makes me want to punch my fist through a wall (actually, I want to punch him in the face!) because he is just such an awful person.  But wow - what a phenomenal actor!)

Monday:

The Bachelor (obvi)

The only thing getting me through the fact that tomorrow night is the last episode of the season (!!!), is the fact that Bachelor Pad is sure to start up again soon!

Dallas

I'm so mad that Nick won't watch this with me!

Tuesday:

Dance Moms

Nick tells me repeatedly (i.e. every Tuesday night) that he can't believe a thirty year old woman finds this show intriguing and entertaining enough to watch.  He also says he doesn't think they're that good of dancers.  I say, what does he know?!

 

Friday:

Fashion Star

Hunter is my favorite this season.  I hope she wins!

 

Shark Tank

Friday nights in our house involve ordering pizza and then cozying up on the couch to watch the Sharks.  I watch with my iPad nearby so I can google everything that they invest in!

 

Monday through Friday:

Days of our Lives

No lie - - - this is my favorite show on TV.  I'm so thrilled that Days has survived the soap opera cancellation roller coaster that has occurred over the past few years!  Also, and perhaps more importantly, Days is typically the subject of a normal conversation between me and my ninety three (!!!) year old Nana... Love that!

Shows currently on hiatus:

Real World

Portland, OR is where the next season is being taped... season 28... wow!  My all-time favorite Real World was the season in Seattle, WA.  I LOVED that season (with Lindsay and Janet)!  Oh - and I'd be lying if I said that I also didn't watch every.single RW/RR challenge!

Homeland

I know, I know... it's surprising that I LOVE this show based upon what may seem like my preteen viewing schedule above!

 

As you can imagine, my DVR is always full of great (in my opinion) shows to watch, which has been very helpful for all the times I was on bed rest after IVF transfers (See!  It always comes back to infertility... stupid infertility).

Go Where Your Heart Takes You

My heart is taking me to Colorado.

Booked hotel (The Element).

Booked rental car.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

(clearly, as you can see, I finished the mini eggs and I've now moved on to crushing the rest of my Valentine Dove chocolates.  My dentist is going to be so mad at me!)

Dwindling Excitement

I guess it's probably true for most things that excitement, in general, wears off.  Over the past couple of days, I've had a lot of excitement about finally heading out to CCRM.  CCRM has weighed heavily on my mind since June, when I learned of my second failed IVF.  Fast forward eight months through two more IVF's and one FET, and it's finally booked.  That's exciting!  It's a next step.  And it's a next step that I truly feel is the right next step.

But.... (there's always a but)....

What if?  What if it doesn't work?  The excitement has started to wear off as I slowly come back to reality.  And the reality is that I've had eleven pretty darn good embryos that have done nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  I've never had a BETA over 1.  I've never been pregnant.  I don't even know if I can get pregnant.  On the one hand, going to CCRM is great because, well.... they're basically like the.best.  But on the other hand, what if the.best can't help me?  What if we go out there next month and are told that we have no hope?  If that's the case, will I be glad to at least have an answer?  Yes.  No.  I don't know.  I think, yes.  But, will the potential answer devastate me?  Um, yes!  There is so much going on in my mind.

This is a huge risk.  HUGE.  Financially, emotionally and mentally.  I'm not sure that if a cycle with CCRM fails, we'll be able to do another.... at least not with them.  Heck, at this point, I don't even know if we'll be able to do a cycle with them at all!  Who knows what will happen next month at the ODWU?!

All this to say, yes, choosing to do a cycle with CCRM is huge.  This was a big step for us.  It took us a while (eight months) to even finally decide that now is the time to go!  And now that it's here.... it's exciting!  Again, CCRM is basically the.best.  They have phenomenal success rates.  There are so many women with DOR and egg quality issues who go to CCRM as a last resort.... and it works for them!  But.... I'm reminded that CCRM isn't the golden ticket for everyone.  And my excitement is dwindling as the prospect of me being one of those people who it doesn't work for begins to flood my mind.

Will I be lucky enough?  It's hard to even imagine that I will....

And, on another note.... that candy bowl of mini eggs shown in yesterday's post?  Yeah, there are about five left.  No joke.  Mother nature dropped a foot of snow on us overnight, which called for a work from home day today (yay for snuggles with my little B!).  Apparently it also called for eating chocolate - all.day.long.  I feel gross now.  Ick.

Chocolat

Our flights are booked and we'll be in Colorado in just about a month (eeeek!).  To prepare for this (HUGE) next step, I spent much of my day today filling out medical release forms to fax to my current RE's practice and talking to both my insurance company and OBGYN's office (in hopes that they'd agree to administer a baseline ultrasound and blood draw if need-be).  In between being placed on hold and signing my name multiple times, all I could think of were these:

Cadbury mini eggs.  Oh my.  I just adore these little bits of candy-coated milk chocolate!  In fact, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't eat them for lunch yesterday (yes, I have awful eating habits).

But here's the thing... I need to eat ALL of these to-die-for mini eggs before going out to Colorado.  Part of CCRM's ODWU schedule includes a baseline scan/Doppler ultrasound, thus meaning that I am restricted from caffeine for three days prior (caffeine effects blood flow which is measured by Doppler).  Don't even get me started on omitting my daily dose of coffee.  Dunkin Donuts is my lifeline.  It's a bad habit (though, maybe not as bad of a habit as only eating chocolate for lunch... oops!).

Anyway, I digress... First, I'm focusing on my chocolate addiction... then I'll move on to my coffee addiction.  Wish me luck.  It's near impossible walking by this little candy dish full of bits of heaven!

And if I make it past that candy dish (which, let's face it, I probably won't!), then I most definitely won't make it past this one:

What's better than a heart-shaped chunk of chocolate (I'll take milk or dark!) than a heart-shaped chunk of chocolate foil wrapped complete with an inspirational message inside?!  I die...

Oh... and one last thing!  Thanks to my sweet new blog friend, Jessah for including me in her crush blog post.  I share the same feelings about Jessah and her blog as she does for mine.

Now back to stuffing my mouth full of mini eggs...