Friday, March 22, 2013

Aubrey the Infertile

Lately I've felt as though I'm living two different lives - but they're two different lives that switch from one to the other oh-so-quickly, in just an instant.

I open my eyes every morning as an infertile, barren, scorned, sad and desperate woman.  I get in the shower, praying the whole time for my miracle baby.  I blow dry my hair in our spare bedroom (which should be a nursery by now) while Nick showers.  When he gets out, he always asks how I am and the answer is always the same:  not good.  He doesn't have to ask why. 

We drive to work together and while Nick listens to sports radio I check blogs.  I'm still living the sad and pitiful life of an infertile. 

I get to work and my day of insurance starts.  Joy.  Infertility leaves me as I begin to answer e-mail after e-mail and my never ending ringing phone.  Instead of focusing on cycle days, CCRM and my overall sadness for being baby-less, I'm now focusing on fixing my clients' billing, claims and contract issues.  But at the drop of a hat, my life as an infertile comes right back.  Literally, just like that.  As I'm being berated by clients with problems that seem so minimal compared to the problem of a woman trying with all of her might to get pregnant but can't, I quickly (un)welcome Aubrey the Infertile back into my life.  Aubrey the Infertile sticks around until I'm consumed again by my work. 

Throughout the day I'm fighting Aubrey the Infertile off.  It's so difficult.  My infertility is always on my mind.  My sadness is always there, as well.  Yes, sometimes it's covered up by my trying to act happy in front of someone who may not know any of what I'm going through i.e. certain co-workers, my clients, brokers, a lot of friends and even some extended family of ours, but it's still there.  Its always there.  I try my hardest to smile as someone at work tells me a story about their adorable children.  But as soon as they turn around to walk away, Aubrey the Infertile is back, even more scorned than before.  Typically I say something under my breath like you lucky a-hole and then bury myself back in my work.  Which helps until a co-worker tells me she's taking a week off in April because it's her kids' April vacation.  Again, (un)welcome back Aubrey the Infertile.  I immediately think great, take a week off to spend with your kids, you lucky bleep.  I'll be taking a few weeks off soon just to try to get pregnant.  My vacation will be in Colorado this year.  With doctor's appointments and shots every day.  But the odds are against me.  So don't worry, we probably won't have to fight over who gets to take April vacation week off in the years to come.

Finally my work day ends and Nick and I drive home.  Aubrey and Aubrey the Infertile are too exhausted to say much of anything other than ideas for what to make for dinner.  We eat and a few times during the week I go to my barre workout class.  I'm ready to focus on Aubrey, not Aubrey the Infertile.  I'm ready to just forget.  About everything.  About my infertility.  Until the most beautiful, thin and visibly happy girl picks the matte next to mine (I say 'girl' because she's probably at least five years younger than me).  She's talking to her friend about her most perfect kids at home.  I want to barf.  On the other side of me is someone who I learn is pregnant five minutes into the class because the instructor calls out modifications for those who are expecting.  Again, I want to barf.  I can't escape it.  I can't get away from fertile myrtles.  I can't get away my own infertility.

Infertility is me.  It's who I am.  I guess there is no escaping it.  It's my life.

It's my life at home, at work, at social functions, at the gym. 

It's my life when I'm talking to a client, to a family member, to a dear friend. 

It was my life then, it is my life now and it will even be my life in the future, regardless of what happens. 

But regardless of what does happen, I just want to wake up one day and when Nick asks me how I am, I want to tell him that I'm good.  And I want to mean it.  And then I want to have to blow dry my hair in the bathroom while he showers, because I won't want to wake my miracle baby.

15 comments:

Isabel said...

Beautiful post. You put into words the thoughts that too often wander inside my mind. It's seems so difficult to reconcile the person we want to be and the person we've turned into because of infertility. Hopefully someday those two different people can live a happy and wonderful life. Hugs.

Amber said...

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I hope that one day you WILL be blow drying your hair in the batheroom.

idioticinfertility said...

I know what you mean - separating parts of yourself off just so you can make it through a day - and just when you're doing well, something small happens and BLAM, you're right back in the place that's sad and painful.

Erika said...

This is so true, Aubrey. It's ridiculous how life-permeating infertility is. Here's hoping you get kicked out of your guest room very soon.

Aramis said...

I know exactly how this feels. I'm similar in that it feels like every second that I'm not actively thinking about something else, I'm thinking about infertility. It's ever-present. I hope we all find a way out of this!

Suzanne @ Our Journey to a Baby Bump said...

Infertility is all consuming. That I know for sure. Your post is raw and beautiful and heart wrenching. I hope that the end of this journey is near for all of us so that we can move on to a much happier place very soon!!

Emily said...

Thank YOU for your honesty. I've been reading your blog more and more lately. It's sometimes hard to read, and for one reason only...because you are mirroring exactly how I feel. The rawness of your words hits home in a big way, and I just applaud you for sharing how you feel in such a descriptive and open way.

When the day comes that you have to blowdry your hair in the hot steamy bathroom while hubby showers, you will never ever complain about it...or much else that many other mothers or wives do. You are going to be an AMAZING mother someday. This journey sucks so terribly bad, but it WILL make you and I both better mothers someday. Believe that!

Ashley said...

You are right, having infertility is like having a spilt personality! The real me wants to pity those having a tough pregnancy or complaining about their kids for various reasons, but the infertile me me wants to snap back with at least your body isn't constantly failing you! At least you can get prego or have kids! Just another thing that we are robbed of is our compassionate caring self! Feeling even worse for such insensituve thoughts! However, like I've said before I refuse to let this control my whole life, my thoughts and my actions. If that were the case I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning! I wouldn't smile or e thankful for the good things going on. My marriage would be non-existent because that is all I would want to talk about! I miss having the easy life, the one where I can be myself completely!!

nogoodeggs said...

As always I appreciate your honesty. I wish you weren't sad but I am impressed that you are in touch with your sadness and can write about it so well. I can totally relate to trying to push out thoughts about IF at woe. Fortunately I love my job so that helps. And they follow me to the gym too. Boo. I truely believe you are going to get a family. Not sure how that will be but I know you will be such a loving mom!

the blogivers said...

I read this on my phone yesterday then made a mental note to go back and comment later, but then I forgot until just now! I keep meaning to share this song with you that I love - it's called, "He Said" by Group 1 Crew. I think you will be able to relate to and be encouraged by the lyrics, even if the song is slightly cheesy :)

Sally said...

This is heart-wrenching. I think of you all the time. Which seems pretty unhelpful in the scheme of things for you....but wanted to remind you! <3

JoJo said...

I love your honesty in this post. You captured a feeling that I believe we all experience. It's hard to try to reconcile with yourself when everything around you seems to slap you back in the face with it. I'm sorry for your sadness and I hope CCRM brings you your miracle and you can be fighting for the week off in April to spend time with ur kid. Thinking of you!

Bea said...

Hi there! I'm newish to reading your blog and am now following along. Wow, you must have been inside my head when you wrote this because everything you've said is dead on what I'm feeling/thinking right now. Infertility is so much like living a double life. I hope CCRM can bring you your miracle baby! I'll be rooting for you!

Maureen said...

Your story resonates with me. I remember feeling this way and my husband would get so upset. It made him feel powerless because we were trying to hard with no success. We almost broke up over it and that was when I finally conceived. It was truly a miracle. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it can be a long, sad and frustrating journey.

lo @ crazy ever after said...

Hey Aubrey....I've been stalking your blog for a few days...maybe weeks now. I'm trying to connect with more like minded women in the blogging community. It's been a struggle trying to read blogs of fertile myrtles, not to mention all the people in my "real life"...they are EVERYWHERE. But I find comfort in connecting with other women who are going through what we are. We've only had three failed IUIs and definitely haven't experienced the heartache you have. I'm so sorry and I hope your baby dreams come true soon!

 
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