Monday, March 25, 2013

Strength & Resilience

I've been thinking about this post that my sweet blog friend, Kimberly, wrote ever since I read it yesterday morning.  Kimberly's post is about strength and resilience when dealing with infertility and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.  If you haven't read it, you should.  And if you do read it, I hope it brings you to some of the same realizations that it brought to me.

When I think about my infertility (which I do... all.day.long), I think about the heart ache, pain and sadness that it has brought into my life.  And with every passing day, it has only gotten worse.  My heart aches more with every single day that passes.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a hurt woman.  I see depression.  I see weakness.  In fact, not only do I see the weakness that stares back at me, but I feel that weakness.  I feel it with each and every monthly bout of cramps I get signaling that my period is just around the corner.  And I feel it with swollen eyes that sting from the tears that fall down my cheeks every night as I go to bed and silently say my prayers.

I tend to focus so much on the despair that infertility has caused me, that I've almost never thought about the strength and resilience that it's given me (truth: I'd much rather be pregnant than be strong or resilient, but I digress).

I have a co-worker who has become a dear friend to me and who knows about my infertility journey, in detail.  She hasn't experienced infertility herself, but has experienced a terrible loss which has allowed her to relate to the extreme pain and sadness that I feel on a daily basis.  She also is about fifteen years older than me, with children in elementary school (the scorned infertile that I am notes this because it means that I most likely don't have to worry about her announcing a pregnancy any time soon).  There have been many times that I've come into work and have shared my sadness with my co-worker/friend.  I've told her about bad nights and bad weekends that I just couldn't seem to get myself together because I'd been plagued by the horribleness of infertility.  In those instances, my co-worker/friend would always respond with the utmost empathy and would then look me straight in the eyes and tell me that when she looks at me she sees strength.  In fact, she tells me that I'm one of the most strong people that she's ever met (ha!).  When I hear this, I have to laugh.  I normally roll my eyes at her and continue on with my day. 

Strong?!  Me?!  The person who pretty much cries herself to sleep every night?  Who's let most of her friendships slip because she can barely focus on anyone but herself (and her bad eggs and faulty uterus)?  Whose infertility has literally taken over her life?!  Nah... that's not me.  I'm the weak girl over there in the corner, ashamed of herself and of her failure of a body.  The girl whose eyes reflect heart ache, pain and sadness.  Sadly, that's really how I think of myself (thanks, infertility). 

Actually, it's how I thought of myself...

Kimberly, your post truly brought tears to my eyes.  It one hundred percent took my breath away.  It was like a light bulb went off in my head...

I AM strong.  I AM resilient.

I know that infertility is something that will always make me sad.  It will always cause me pain.  And it will always break my heart.  But, I now see that it's also something that has made me stronger and more resilient.  I will not give up on my miracle baby.  My strength and my resilience will carry me through the saddest and most painful of days.  I know that because it's already carried me through the sad and painful days so far (all of them). 

I pray that with God's help, my strength and resilience will continue to shine through, even if just a little.  Enough to continue to carry me through the sad and painful days that are sure to lie ahead on this most tumultuous and difficult journey.

14 comments:

Amber said...

I read that same post from Kimberly. I have been married for 15 years, ttc for 13. I know what it's like to WANT with every fiber of your being to be a mommy. I also am staring a child-free life in the face if our upcoming FET doesn't work. However, I know that I am a stronger person for everything we have gone through, including a recent miscarriage.

When I see your pictures, I see such a beautiful, warm person that looks so loving. IF is awful, but don't forget the amazing person you are. When I think of how our bodies have failed us, I think about all those people that are blind. Or those that were born without a limb, or without hearing. Their bodies have failed them too, but most seem to persevere. I believe that we will too, regardless of our end outcome. God bless.

Suzanne @ Our Journey to a Baby Bump said...

Beautiful post. Love.

Amanda Greavu said...

When I think strength and resilience in regards to infertility, you are the first name I think of Aubrey! You have survived so much, you've been given bad news over and over. No one has promised you a miracle, and yet, you've never given up hope, you still believe in yourself and your ability to receive a miracle, and you're still tender and kindhearted to others who haven't been through half of what you have. You are amazing!

the blogivers said...

I totally identified with your comment about how you'd rather be pregnant than strong/resilient - when people would tell me my miscarriage was making me stronger, I would say the same thing... I'd much rather have my baby back and be weak! So I think it's great you are coming to terms with the idea that you ARE strong, and that is one good thing that has come out of this crummy journey!

Ashley said...

Great post! I don't know why it is that bad things make us stronger! I'd rather them just get better! But sometimes to hear people tell us they admire our strength, I don't get it, yet it hits home and somewhat makes us feel better!

nogoodeggs said...

So glad my post was helpful - that is what this blotting business is all about! Thanks for sharing it. In the end you will have both - your resilience and the family who helped you earn it! Xoxo

JoJo said...

Love your post. I think u do a great job explaining how we all tend to feel most of the time. You are a strong, warm hearted woman who will get past this IF and enjoy your miracle baby one day. Keep ur head up.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon your blog and just had to comment. I absolutely love this line, "I will not give up on my miracle baby." Your outlook is amazing. I am from Massachusetts too and am a CCRM patient (after going to several Boston-area doctors and ending up with 3 failed IUIs, 4 failed IVFs, and 3 failed FETs). Making the decision to go to CCRM is a huge commitment - time, money, sanity, etc. - but they are, in my experience, amazing. If you have any questions, I'd be more than happy to be in touch via email.

Aubrey said...

Anonymous - I'd love to hear about your experience at CCRM (especially knowing that you're local, here in MA!). If you would, send me an e-mail (aubrey.blair@gmail.com). I look forward to hearing from you! xo

dspence said...

Anyone who has to deal with IF seems to find that they have strength beyond measure. How good is our God, who lifts us up and gives strength when we feel weak.

"I look up to the hills, but where will my strength really come from? My strength will come from the Lord, the Creator of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

"I praise you, Lord, for answering my prayers. You are my strong shield, and I trust you completely.
You have helped me, and I will celebrate and thank you in song. You give strength to your people, Lord, and you save and protect your chosen ones. Come save us and bless us. Be our shepherd and always carry us in your arms." Psalm 28:6-9

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