Friday, March 8, 2013

Dwindling Excitement

I guess it's probably true for most things that excitement, in general, wears off.  Over the past couple of days, I've had a lot of excitement about finally heading out to CCRM.  CCRM has weighed heavily on my mind since June, when I learned of my second failed IVF.  Fast forward eight months through two more IVF's and one FET, and it's finally booked.  That's exciting!  It's a next step.  And it's a next step that I truly feel is the right next step.

But.... (there's always a but)....

What if?  What if it doesn't work?  The excitement has started to wear off as I slowly come back to reality.  And the reality is that I've had eleven pretty darn good embryos that have done nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  I've never had a BETA over 1.  I've never been pregnant.  I don't even know if I can get pregnant.  On the one hand, going to CCRM is great because, well.... they're basically like the.best.  But on the other hand, what if the.best can't help me?  What if we go out there next month and are told that we have no hope?  If that's the case, will I be glad to at least have an answer?  Yes.  No.  I don't know.  I think, yes.  But, will the potential answer devastate me?  Um, yes!  There is so much going on in my mind.

This is a huge risk.  HUGE.  Financially, emotionally and mentally.  I'm not sure that if a cycle with CCRM fails, we'll be able to do another.... at least not with them.  Heck, at this point, I don't even know if we'll be able to do a cycle with them at all!  Who knows what will happen next month at the ODWU?!

All this to say, yes, choosing to do a cycle with CCRM is huge.  This was a big step for us.  It took us a while (eight months) to even finally decide that now is the time to go!  And now that it's here.... it's exciting!  Again, CCRM is basically the.best.  They have phenomenal success rates.  There are so many women with DOR and egg quality issues who go to CCRM as a last resort.... and it works for them!  But.... I'm reminded that CCRM isn't the golden ticket for everyone.  And my excitement is dwindling as the prospect of me being one of those people who it doesn't work for begins to flood my mind.

Will I be lucky enough?  It's hard to even imagine that I will....

And, on another note.... that candy bowl of mini eggs shown in yesterday's post?  Yeah, there are about five left.  No joke.  Mother nature dropped a foot of snow on us overnight, which called for a work from home day today (yay for snuggles with my little B!).  Apparently it also called for eating chocolate - all.day.long.  I feel gross now.  Ick.

8 comments:

Suzanne said...

I came upon your blog via Jessah and I'm looking forward to catching up on your story. I have my first CCRM phone consultation in two weeks!!

It sounds like you've gone through your fair share and I hope CCRM can bring you (and me) exactly what we've been hoping for.

Good luck and look forward to following along...

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

Try to hold onto that excitement as long as you can. I think going to CCRM is best chance any of us have and I'm very hopeful for you. Have you ever done pre genetic screening? It just seems that your doc would've recommended it given your history with IVF. Would be nice to have more info of the quality of the embryos...

nogoodeggs said...

To answer your question, yes. Even if they cannot help you, you will be glad that you tried everything and don't have to look back and wonder. I did a $3000 injection cycle when the docs told me I might as well plus those bills down the toilet. Because now I can look back and know that I tried everything. More importantly, I can confidently move forward to the next steps. Even if CCRM is not the gold ticket as you say, you will be glad you did it! It will erase any questions and help you figure out the next path!

i think it is reasonable to mix your worries and fear with excitement and enthusiasm!

and thanks for joining my pity party!

JenS said...

I really hope CCRM is your golden ticket. You so deserve it after all you have been through. I'll be wishing for your happy ending :)

Aramis said...

I agree with Kimberly...if you don't do CCRM you will always wonder whether they might have held the secret that would have done the trick. If it doesn't work, you'll deal with that too. But there's a lot of us out here hoping for you!

Amanda Greavu said...

Don't give up hope Aubrey! I'm so excited for your CCRM appointment! I REALLY feel like this is a good plan, and I'm so hopeful that fresh eyes from some of the top doctors in the country will help. Hang in there!

JoJo said...

I really hope CCRM is it for you. The mixed emotions are inevitable during this journey. Hope is all we can hang on to and know that we are all rooting for your happy ending.

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