Since Then and Good (??) News

It's crazy to think that it has been three weeks to the day since we learned "secret cycle" IVF #3 failed.  Three weeks ago today, my world literally fell apart around me.  Three weeks ago today, I was an inconsolable mess and couldn't imagine being able to see beyond all of the pain that was inflicted upon me in a matter of seconds.  But, I made it.  I made it through twenty-one days of sadness.  Each day hasn't gotten better - I've mentioned before that the pain is actually worse with each passing day that I'm not pregnant - but, each day I do feel like I have a little more hope than I had the day before.  And that, I truly believe is a blessing.

We had planned to head to CT to visit my parents the weekend after my BETA test - in hopes of celebrating some miraculously good news with my mom and dad.  Sadly, that obviously wasn't the case.  We felt so hurt that we thought about just not going altogether - but, ultimately decided that getting away was precisely what we needed.  We both took that Friday off from work and drove down on Thursday evening.  It turned out to be a nice weekend for us to clear our minds and to have someone take care of Belle (and us!).  While in CT, we went for a nice "hike" (if you could even call it that...!)/walk on a "mountain"/trail in my parents' neighboring town.  We enjoyed eachother's company and talked a lot about our future... with or without children (please God, let us be able to follow our "with children" future plans!).

We headed back to Boston on Saturday and enjoyed a fall evening that included lounging on the couch, catching up on our DVR'ed shows from the week, snuggling with Belle and drinking delicious pumpkin beer with a cinnamon/brown sugar rim (and me, quickly passing out from both the beer and the exhaustion of still feeling so sad). 

Since then, we've had our first snow storm of the season (any evidence has quickly melted as we are currently enjoying weather of 70 degrees today!  Only in New England!!) and I've kept myself busy with some baking.  I made Erin's banana bread muffins for my father in-law who has been doing some work on our house.  I also made these delicious cupcakes for my nephew's sixth birthday party this weekend.  Delicious.

As you can see, life has moved on since that horrible day three weeks ago.  A part of me is so thankful for that, but another part of me is still there, stuck in the moment of that day, when I learned I wasn't pregnant (again).  I think that the sadness and heartbreak that I've experienced, on those days specifically, will always be something that is carried with me.  BUT... on the other hand, time continues to pass.  We have more chances - more months and more cycles - to try.  That's all we can do - keep moving forward (even though we're plagued and reminded daily by the horrible past) and not give up.  We will try and we will do anything it takes for our future miracle baby.

Now on to the good(ish)(???) news... My endometrial biopsy results were normal.  No issue.  Good news?  Yes.  But again, a part of me wishes something was wrong, or, just not quite 100% right.  Something that the doctor could say that we just need to go in and quickly/easily fix this or that and voila! you'll get pregnant!  But, no such luck.  My issue - and apparently my only issue - as we learned just about a year ago to the day, is my eggs.

So today I'm praying that in my great big pool (well, based on my FSH, my "pool" may not be big at all!) of ugly, bad eggs, that one - just one - is perfect enough to become my miracle baby...soon.

Reminder: Trust in The Lord

Yesterday afternoon I made a quick stop at the mall. I went into a store where I normally don't shop and decided to try on a few tops (that I didn't end up buying- I quickly remembered just why I don't shop at that store!). When I closed the fitting room door, this heart-shaped sticky note was staring me right in the eyes.

Perhaps it was God's plan for me to go into a store where I don't usually shop. Perhaps He wanted me to try those tops on because He wanted to remind me of something. Something that I should try to hold onto and remember in these days of heartache, frustration, fear and worry. I need to trust The Lord with all of my heart. I'm praying that if I do just that, that He will finally reward me with my miracle baby.

My Life & Friends

This is my life, people...

Some of what I've faced and have had to deal with the past two days:

Note: I work for an insurance company and attend employee benefits fairs during the year to inform people about their benefits offered from their employer (this time of year, I'm basically at these types of meetings every day, or at least I attend so many that it feels that way!).  Other representatives from insurance companies attend these fairs as well...

- Yesterday at the employee benefits fair I attended, a gentleman from the company's vision insurance provider randomly asked me (literally, out of the blue) "do you have any kids at home?".  I told him that I didn't, then looked away and couldn't bare to look at him anymore for the remainder of the day.  My name is Aubrey, and I hold grudges.  Even with perfect strangers.

-  Yesterday, at the same fair, I bumped into someone that I had worked with previously.  The first question she excitedly asked me while staring at my stomach was "Any baaaaaaabiessss?!?!".  I let her know that no, I don't have any children and then cursed her out in my head for the next five minutes (I actually may still be cursing her out in my head... man, these grudges that I hold...).

-  As mentioned in last night's post, we found out that one of our couple friends are expecting... again.  I was so upset, I had to (Blog and then) go to bed right away so I wouldn't be a grump pathetically sulking around my house for my husband to see for the rest of the night.

-  Today at work (at another company's benefits fair), there was a nurse from a local hospital doing blood pressure screenings for employees.  She was about 5 months pregnant and we had a nice conversation about nursing (a profession I'll forever regret not going into!) and then she asked if I had children.  Lately I feel as if I have a sign across my forehead begging people to ask me this question.

-  There was also a chiropractor at today's fair who I got to talking with... she started telling stories about how she gives her patients x-rays before treating them.  And wouldn't you know that twice... TWICE... she found out that people were pregnant based on their x-ray.  Excuse me while I barf, because in the world of infertility, IF, a pregnancy occurs, we know right away.  There is no question.  We have the BETA results to prove it, only 14 days after retrieval.

-  Today, after the benefits fair I attended, I stopped at The Container Store to make a quick return.  In line, I was sandwiched between two beautiful women who were both pregnant.  Seriously.  This is my life.

* * * * *

Now that I'm done with my rant, I just want to mention how truly thankful I have become for this Blog.  I've recently learned that I actually do have (a few) followers and I'm so grateful that my words have helped others somwhere out there.  I know that others' Blogs have helped me in the past... and they still do!  I don't write this Blog for anyone other than for me.  I've mentioned before that writing here is somewhat therapeutic for me - if I can somehow be of help to someone else out there, though, then that's just an added bonus. 

Anyway, before I get myself going on another rant (this time about why I Blog), I just want to thank those of you that have reached out to me.  Your stories have truly inspired me.  Your suggestions, advice and guidance have given me more hope than you know - especially at a time when I really need it all(!!!).  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  Hugs to all of my new friends (somehow without even knowing you, I feel closer to you than I do to my real-life friends these days!).

Sad about feeling sad

I'm sad.  And I feel sad for even feeling sad about this, but it's the truth and it's how I feel.  We just learned that one of our couple friends are pregnant again with their second child...

Somewhere deep down I am happy for them.  I know that their daughter deserves to be a big sister as much as I deserve to be a mother, but on the surface I feel sad, hurt and even more let down.  I'm finding that I've been asking myself over and over again lately, "why her and why not me?"   From the girl working out next to me at Barre, to my colleague at work, to many, many friends and even family, I'm wondering why them and why not me??

I told my husband tonight that I'm really trying to find the good in all of this... To see that maybe there's a perfectly good understandable reason that we were chosen to deal with the many struggles of infertility... But as the months pass with no positive pregnancy test, I'm not sure that I will ever see "good" in any of this.

Heading to bed to try and escape my living nightmare and to dream of my perfect, hopefully soon to be conceived, miraculous baby... Uggggh...

Tinky-loo

I love you, my angel, because you ALWAYS make me smile :)

Deja vu and an update...

I've been in a bit of a funk the past few days.  While I'm happy (I tried to think of a word that adequately describes how I feel - "happy" probably isn't the right word since I rarely am truly happy - about anything - these days, but "happy" will have to do for this sentence) that we have a plan and know what next steps we will be taking as we continue to battle our struggle with infertility, it's all just starting to feel too much like "we've already been there, we've already done that".  You see, almost one year ago to the day is when we met with our RE for the very first time (November 16th, 2011).  And here we are... in the same place... Literally. 

The nurse from my RE's office called this afternoon to let me know that it looks like I need to have blood drawn and tested for infectious diseases... again.  I distinctly remember having oh, about a dozen vials of blood drawn last year - on November 16th, 2011 - and now I'm reminded that almost exactly one year later, here I am... again.  I understand insurance protocols and the need for all of this to be tested again.  I get it.  I mean, I'll have a dozen vials of blood drawn daily if it means my insurance will cover multiple cycles of IVF, but, it's just a slap in the face.  The harsh reality of what we've been through in a matter of one year (two years total) washed over me today - it was like someone dumped a bucket of ice cold water on top of my head.  I can't believe, almost one year later, I'm not even pregnant.  I can't believe that I'm preparing for another cycle of IVF.  IVF has now become the most unexciting thing ever (to me).  I know what a month of IVF entails now.  And I wish I didn't.  I wish I had the same excitement about starting IVF that I had back in April, 2011.  I wish I had the feeling that it was going to work.  That it had to work.  But I don't.  IVF doesn't guarantee a baby.  Heck, IVF doesn't guarantee seven babies (the number of embryos I've had transferred).  As far as I'm concerned, at this point in my journey, the only things that IVF guarantees are a bruised stomach, a month of insanity and a crushed spirit.  But, I keep doing it because what else am I going to do?  I can't give up.  I need to keep fighting for my family.

Nothing else is as important to me than my (hopefully future) family.  I am 100% committed to plugging away at whatever needs to be done to become pregnant - no matter how depressed it makes me feel.  I truly believe that I deserve to be pregnant just as much as the gal on the mat next to me at my Barre workout class the other night (seriously, the girl next to me at my workout class was about six months pregnant.  As I've said many times before, I can't get away from it - pregnancy literally surrounds me - oh, and that girl... she's pregnant with her second child.  Just thought I'd throw that one out there).  My life right now is entirely consumed by infertility.  My thoughts while I'm awake and my dreams while I'm sleeping - consumed by that horrible "I" word.  Sadly, everything (and everyone) else has just taken the backseat in my life right now.  My future miracle baby is front and center on my mind.  I'm not sure where this energy and "umph" came from (actually, I do...  Thanks God!) - but I feel (kinda.sorta.alittlebit) strong (watch, I'm probably jinxing myself.  Don't blame me if I have a post up tomorrow wallowing in my depression from my infertility saga!).  As much as infertility has weakened me, I know that I cannot give up.  I won't let anything or anyone stand in my way of becoming a mother.

Infertility journey update:  I had my sonohysterogram (SHG) and endometrial biopsy done (um, can you say ooouuuuuuch?!?!) and I was beyond thankful to have my mom there with me.  The SHG was fine - I felt some cramping while the technician inserted the saline, but all in all, it wasn't too bad.  The endometrial biopsy though... man, did that one hurt!  I wasn't really expecting to feel much of anything (but boy was I wrong!).  A year ago when I had the HSG done, I didn't feel a thing.  I've read on lots of blogs and posts from infertility forums that many women were in a lot of pain from the HSG so I just figured I had a high pain tolerance... I guess not, though!  During the biopsy, I must have looked a little squeamish becuase the medical technician looked at me and mouthed "are you okay?" - I felt funny saying "No!  This is not fun, you can stop now.  I'm in pain.  OWWWW!!!", so I just nodded my head to let her know I was okay and then I just tightly closed my eyes until it was over.  The procedure only took about 30 seconds but it felt like an eternity!  I should have the results from the biopsy in the next couple of days - the piece of lining that they took out needs to be sent up to a lab for testing.  My doctor was able to let me know right then and there the results of my SHG and everything looks fine.  I don't appear to have any inflammation, polyps, etc. in my uterus.  As far as my doctor can tell, it's totally clear.  Which is great news.  But, a part of me sort of wishes that something stood out to my doctor.  Something that, with some sort of quick procedure, I'd be good to go.  Something that we'd be able to say "THIS is why I haven't gotten pregnant!" - but, I guess I really do just have some sh&*%y eggs!

I'm sort of at a loss on how to end this blog post, so I'm just going to call it quits here.  A tout a l'heure!

Wednesday

Well, Wednesday has come and gone.  I awoke with nerves galore and what felt like millions of butterflies fluttering around in my stomach.  Our consultation with our doctor was at 10 a.m. and I couldn't keep my anxiety at bay.  We arrived right on time and waited about a half hour to see our doctor (so annoying).  But, the time finally came for us to take our seats in her daunting office and the second she opened her mouth to speak to us, the butterflies instantly fluttered out of my body.  I'll start my re-cap with this - she has hope for us... a lot of hope.

We went over a lot of things.  We pretty much reviewed each and every one of the steps we've taken thus far in our journey.  We discussed day three vs. day five transfers, the possibility of next time (yes, we are still going to subject ourselves to more cycles of IVF!) pressing our luck and waiting until day five - but ultimately it was decided that there would really be no advantage to this (although, until I have a day five transfer, I will probably always wonder about this... unless of course, I become pregnant after a day three transfer!).  We also talked about what might be happening to my really good looking embryos once they're transferred into my uterus - do they even make it to day five?  Is the issue really with my eggs, or are we now talking about another issue with my uterus?  To look further into a possible issue with my uterus, I will be having a couple of tests/procedures done so that my doctor can get a better look at my endometrium lining (which has always looked okay on ultrasound) and also my uterus, to confirm that there isn't any sort of inflammation or scarring that may cause an embryo (or two, or three, or in my case... seven!)  not to implant.

As mentioned above though, we will be doing another cycle of IVF with my own eggs.  I was worried, prior to our meeting, that my doctor's tune may have changed at this point, what with having three failed IVF's and all... but it most certainly has not!  She, again, seems to have more hope than I do.  She told us that while donor eggs are an option that will always be there for us, she really sees no reason why I wouldn't have a chance of becoming pregnant with my own eggs in any given month with or without IVF.  She believes that it's a matter of just being able to know when - none of us has that magical crystal ball - so that's the hard (perhaps hardest) part in all of this.  IVF gives us a slightly better chance because we end up with (in my case) a couple more eggs to work with in a cycle. 

So... we reviewed all of the protocols that I've been on in the past, and we agreed that my body responds best to the Antagonist type of protocol.  I've been on two different types of the Antagonist protocol and in these two cycles, we ended up with our best looking/graded embryos, so, we'll most likely stick to this type of protocol for my future cycle(s).  Since I'm already too far into my current cycle and because we want to get the uterine/endometrium procedures/tests done this month, we won't start our next IVF until my next cycle.

In addition to all of the above, we also spoke a little about other natural "remedies".  While I'm still doing acupuncture twice a week, I am no longer taking herbs (it is not recommended (by my acupuncturist nor by my doctor) to take herbs while also taking infertility medications during a cycle).  That said, my doctor did tell me that I could feel free to take 50 mg. of DHEA and 50 mg. of Co-Q 10 up until retrieval.  DHEA is a male hormone (so weird) and there are some thoughts that it can help with the quality of follicles, eggs and embryos.  Co-Q 10 is an antioxidant supplement/vitamin and there are also some thoughts that this too, can help with the quality of follicles, eggs and embryos.  My doctor isn't convinced that this is true for either of these supplements however, she assured me that she would have no problem with me giving it a try (since Wednesday, I've been taking my pre natal vitamin (how annoying - I've been taking this one for two years now), DHEA and Co-Q 10 supplements - I will try anything!).

We have hope again and for that we are truly thankful.  We have been blessed with a doctor who really believes that we will have a baby of our own.  A doctor who is full of so much knowledge and intelligence, who doesn't give it to us lightly, who is frank and to the point - but most importantly, a doctor who wants this for us as much as we want it for ourselves.  We are blessed.