Thursday, March 14, 2013

Will I Ever.....?

...have a baby? a mom?

...get to take weekly bump pictures? able to go to parent-teacher conferences? able to help my child(ren) with their homework (let's face it, this type A, school-supply lover who was supposed to be a French teacher can't wait to help my hopefully someday child(ren) with their homework and book reports!)? able to take a family vacation to Disney World?  That magical place isn't nearly as fun without the wide eyes and smiles of children.  No children = childless resorts for me.  Sandals resorts for life? a Nana?

...make my mom a Nana?

...make my dad a Papa?

...get to give my already chosen names to my baby(ies)?

...not have to sit like a bump on a log at work lunches when everyone else is talking about their children?

...feel true happiness again?

As time passes and as our ODWU is approaching (a little more than three weeks away!), I'm trying to brace myself for the possibility of another failure.  Even with a cycle at CCRM.

Remember when I wrote about our phone consultation back in August?  Dr. S. had said that his best guess is that we would have a 25% chance of conceiving (with IVF) with my own eggs.  I took that as a one in four chance.  Well, I've had four IVF's and none worked.  I've had five transfers and zero out of eleven embryos, that I became oh so attached to, implanted.

I need to prepare myself.  This may not work.  And I can't expect that it will. 

But, I have to have Hope.  And Faith.  I have to trust God - trust that He didn't put this yearning in my heart for a baby for no reason.


Amy said...

I have so many "Will I ever..." things too.
It's so hard not knowing where we'll end up after all of this.

Sarah said...

Oh Aubrey. This post broke my heart. I have faith that you will get to do ALL of these things. I firmly believe in positive thinking when all else feels like it's not working so try that my friend and stay strong.

PS - love all those ecards below!

Sally said...

I love what you said at the end......I don't think you would have the strong desire and and yearning if it wasn't meant to be. It will happen for you. I am so excited for you to be a mom sometime soon.

JenS said...

This post breaks my heart a little. I truly hope the answer to all those questions is "yes".

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

Don't lose faith my friend. You are so strong! It is truly in God's hands but I do know one thing for will feel true happiness again. That I know to be true. Hugs!

Ashley said...

Hang in there!! Don't let your doubts get the best of you! Have hope!!! You WILL get through this!!

the blogivers said...

We've been talking in Bible study recently about how God may not always answer our prayers like we want Him to, He will always give us understanding in the end - and that thought gave this control freak a little bit of comfort... praying most of all He gives you a baby, but also that He will give you peace and understanding throughout this journey!

Erika said...

Hoping and praying that you get to experience all of things things and more. Love you, friend.

Aramis said...

All of us ask these questions, and none of us know the answer. You're not alone in this. I hope all those answers are yes.

Anonymous said...

IF is the worst. Hugs. I am here for you when you want to talk about ay plan or outcome!

Lya said...

Hugs. You are not alone with all those questions and I trully hope the answer will be found at your new clinic. Good luck my friend!

Amber said...

I hope and pray for you that this is the one that will work!

Site Design By Designer Blogs