One More Month

Last Tuesday I had everything figured out.  We had our call with CCRM the night before and after tossing and turning all night about what our next steps would be, I awoke on Tuesday with a clear mind and a vision... A vision of finishing up this month of herbs, doing an IVF cycle locally in October, heading to CCRM in November for the one day work-up, doing the testosterone priming in Decemeber and then heading to Colorado for our IVF cycle in January.  I was content and pleased with the plan (I always need a plan!)... And then I went to acupuncture that night (last Tuesday)...

When I excitedly mentioned to my acupuncturist that I was on my third month of herbs, he kindly suggested that I add an extra month to my (what I like to call) "herb protocol".  He said that he is starting to see a change (for the positive) in my cycle and that he believes with one additional month of herbs that we'll really see a difference.  I was so annoyed.  Mentally, I was really starting to feel ready for another IVF cycle.  So much so that my husband and I even considered having me quit my last month of herbs (this month) and jump right in to an IVF cycle.  But after some consideration, I realized that I made a committment to try the herbs for three months and I knew I should stick with it, even though I really didn't want to... I think that my readiness for another IVF cycle was magnified after our call with CCRM - the wheels had begun to spin in my head and I really thought that I was ready for the supplements, medications, shots, (and even the flights and bills!) that were to lie ahead.  I was baffled at the thought of doing herbs for another cycle.  One month/cycle is essentially a lifetime to a woman faced with infertility.  It's a cycle that starts with so much hope and faith but always ends in utter heartache and thoughts that make it impossible to imagine being able to pick yourself up and move on to yet another month of the same thing...

Even though I was irritated by the initial thought of a fourth month of herbs, deep down I knew that I would just suck it up and do it.  Driving home from my appointment last week, I called my husband and (not so quietly) vented my frustrations to him about all of this.  He patiently and quietly listened to me - letting me express my disdain for the "stupid herbs!" (note: I don't really think that the herbs are stupid; I wouldn't have done them in the first place if really thought that - I was/am just expressing my frustrations) .  When I got home, my husband and I talked about everything and we agreed that we didn't want the last couple of months of herbs to have been a waste... and so, with that, the decision was made.  A fourth month it is.  Am I happy about it?  Not entirely.  Do I still think I'm ready for IVF?  More than ever.  But... it is what it is.  I had my plan mapped out just the way I thought it should, and just the way I wanted it to go and BAM! in a matter of 24 hours, my plan changed.  I guess God works that way.  It's a reminder that His plan supercedes mine.  And I'm fine with all of that, really.  As long as God's plan results in a baby for us.

We're still praying...