Monday, September 10, 2012

Infertility Isolation

Sometimes, actually most of the time these days, it seems as if I'm living in a world full of fertile myrtles.  Literally, my friends and acquaintances seem to all get pregnant at the drop of a hat.  Conversations tend to surround me about planning on when to start trying to conceive, or about how it just sort of happened the first month we (clearly, not me!) tried not to try.  Gag me.  This is where the blogosphere has really helped me.  In fact,  I accredit 90% of my blog to others' blogs about infertility journeys - these blogs have been so much a part of what has kept me going.  Blogs about infertility are one of the only things that make me feel less alone and isolated.

Isolation is one of the most difficult parts of infertility that I've encountered thus far in my journey.  Yes, the countless doctors' appointments, needles, blood draws, injections as well as the weight gain and roller coaster of emotions have their fair share of difficulty as well, but it's the feeling of being alone that really stings.  Now, I know I'm anything but alone as I walk this path of my life...  First, my husband has been nothing less than amazing throughout all of this.  From day one.  He has been and continues to be my rock.  I know he is suffering himself and he is so, so, so gracious to put all of my feelings before his own.  He tells me all the time that his job is to be the positive one.  He says that I can do the crying and have the anger; he will have the good thoughts - enough for both of us.  I love him for that more than I can express in words.  It brings tears to my eyes when he tells me that God's plan was for us to find each other for a reason, and perhaps all of this is part of that reason, regardless of how it all pans out.  Second, I know that I have my family.  They don't always know what to say (and that's ok!), but they know how to listen (really well!) and when to embrace me just when I need those welcoming arms of comfort (whether in-person or over the phone), they even know how to help me to think outside of the box (thanks, mom!)... but that said, even with all of the love and support of those around me, infertility has still caused me to feel isolated... Isolated from the world, really. 

On Saturday, I spent the day doing errands - I was on a mission to purchase a few new items for my bathroom and bedroom.  Even with thoughts of Pottery Barn shower curtains and throw pillows for my bed consuming my mind, the physical heartache of infertility crept in and it was almost as if I could see it start to take over.  I felt like every person that walked past me was either pushing a baby carriage or carrying a Destination Maternity bag, proudly rubbing their adorable baby bump RIGHT IN MY FACE (!!!!!).  I felt so alone.  Like I was the only person sans baby (or baby on board) in the entire mall.  When these feelings of infertility isolation creep in, it's difficult for me to move forward and continue on with my life - so, that's when I called it quits for the day... I went home (and snuggled with my pup for the rest of the afternoon) and prayed to God that this all ends (favorably, with a baby!) soon!

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