exhausted

I'm exhausted today.  Literally, I feel like it's taking all of my energy to keep going.  I'm counting the hours, minutes and seconds until I can just go to bed.  In fact, I'd be laying in bed right now but unfortunately, five loads of laundry stand in my way.  So, here I sit to blog while I wait for load one of my clothes to dry so I can start to fold... and then I get to repeat that four more times... Ugh.

I think most of my exhaustion is stemming from the bridal shower I attended today.  Two and a half years after my own wedding, I sit at a bridal shower for the fiancee of my husband's best friend, baby-less.  It's hard because that is the only thought that goes through my mind.  Our dear friends will be married in December and a few months ago while taking a walk around the neighborhood with my husband, I distinctly remember saying that I just really wanted to be pregnant by the time their wedding rolls around.  December is now only a little more than two months away and sadly, we're not even close to our dream. 

Social outings are difficult when you have such painful feelings resonating inside.  The feelings of sadness and despair are so strong that it seems near impossible to smile and be able to focus on other things.  Conversation amongst my friends about weddings, engagements, house-hunting and even those darned cute things (their) children say and do filled the air today... I felt like a giant blob on the outside just trying to hang on with all of my might to that half smile that I somehow mustered up to plaster on my face.  It was a nice day, but it was exhausting.  My mind is always working over-time and doubly hard in social settings.  The question that is asked over and over in my head: "will I ever be a mother to my own child(ren)?" - is a question that leaves the possibility of an answer with a negative outcome that near paralyzes me.  That mental paralysis in turn, makes it near impossible to focus enough to be a part of the conversation at hand. 

I made it through the luncheon and came home to unload all of my fears and worries out on my husband (lucky him!).  I just can't seem to escape the fear, worry and sadness lately.  My mind is spinning this evening.  I'm exhausted and am ready to go to sleep to dream of a world where infertility doesn't exist.