Monday, September 24, 2012

I just wish I knew...

I just listened to my (pregnant) co-worker go on and on about all the things she wishes she just knew about how she would deliver her baby girl in December.  What type of delivery would she have?  Would she want to be medicated?, etc. etc. etc.  She was saying that she just wishes that someone could tell her that on X date her baby would be here, or that her delivery would take X amount of hours.  I just sat there and stared into space.  While I know that if I were pregnant, I would for sure be thinking and perhaps even wishing to know the same things.  Only, I'm not pregnant.  And further, I don't even know if I ever will be... and that stings.  It stings more today than it did yesterday, than it did the day before that and even the day before that. 

This does not get easier.  The sadness doesn't dissipate.  The anger continues to fester.  My heart continues to swell with hurt.  The tears don't dry up (in fact, when I'm not crying on the outside, my tears are drowning my heart and soul on the inside).  The fear and worry grow.  And the question still remains... Will I ever get pregnant with my own child?

That is the only thing that I just wish I knew...

1 comment:

Amy said...

I hear you loud and clear. If I just knew that one day I'd be pregnant, then going through multiple IVFs would be just fine with me. It's the not knowing that is SO HARD.
It's very difficult to listen to pregnant women talk about those "horrible" unknowns when, like you said, our unknown is if we'll ever be pregnant and be able to have a biological child.

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