I'm Just Not There Yet

My blog friend, Kimberly, recently wrote a post that intrigued me and got me to thinking about my personal experience with infertility.  As I read, I quickly realized that I'm not anywhere near being close to the Acceptance stage in The Kübler-Ross model's "five stages of grief" (note: Kübler-Ross applies this model to catastrophic losses, to include infertility diagnoses).  In fact, I'm not so sure that I've fully moved on from any one of the other four stages.  I'm just SPLAT! right in the middle of Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression.  Acceptance is the fifth stage and I don't think I can even see it in the near far distance!

Denial.  Sometimes I think I'll fall asleep and wake up pregnant.  I'm not delusional, I swear.  But in all seriousness, many times I'll think to myself this is not happening to me.  When oh yes, this absolutely is, in fact, happening to me.  Take this week for example: I'm spotting.  AF is coming.  Wait!  Is AF here?!  Yes, it's AF.  Call the doctor, get instructions to start meds.  HOLD THE PHONE, definitely NOT AF (how can someone who is so sure of her most regular cycles have no clue if this is CD 1 or not?!).  Don't start meds.  I wonder if I'm pregnant?  I've heard of people spotting around the time they were supposed to get AF.  See!  I knew I wasn't infertile (denial)!  HPT confirms I'm not pregnant.  Blood test confirms I'm not pregnant... I am infertile (or as my acupuncturist calls, it "sub" fertile).  AF is here.  Start meds tonight. 

Enter anger.  I'm definitely right in the middle all over this stage!  And to be honest, it's quite embarrassing.  I hang my head low because of my anger.  Perhaps my anger is what I like least about myself these days.   My anger about my infertility has bubbled over.  I'm not just angry about what I'm going through, I'm angry about what other people get - others' blessings.  You can go ahead and judge me now, but it's true.  I get angry as I walk through the mall and see young moms pushing their bundles of joy in the perfect stroller that they registered for and then received at their most adorable baby shower.  I'll probably be an old lady by the time I'm able to have (get?) a baby.  My anger overflows when I'm at a lunch meeting for work and I get to sit there like a bump on a log because the entire conversation is centered around my colleagues' and clients' children.  Why am I even there?  Anger filled my heart and my soul in the car yesterday after a work appointment when my co-worker announced that his wife is pregnant with baby number two.  How is that fair?  Or, more so, how is it fair that I'm not even pregnant with baby number one?!  After all this time?!  After all these IUIs and IVFs?!

As the anger dissipates festers, then comes the bargaining.  Please, please, please God, I'll do anything to just get pregnant and have a baby.  I'll stop swearing.  I'll pray every night.  I'll go to church every Sunday.  I won't complain about where I live anymore.  I'll be a good person (because you know, maybe I'm going through all of this because I'm not a good person.  I know this isn't true, but these are the real thoughts of infertiles).  I'll do anything!  I really will do anything.  And sometimes I think, I have done everything!  What else do I need to do?!

And so, this is where the depression comes into play.  I've done so much to try to get pregnant.  I've pretty much exhausted the medical intervention options with cycle after cycle of IUI and IVF.  If that doesn't work, then what will?  Will anything work?  Will I ever get pregnant?  Will my husband and I be at birthday parties for children of our family and friends year after year after year after year looking like two dummies who still don't have a child?  These thoughts are depressing.  They make me feel alone.  Like I'll never move on from this stage in my life.  The stage that consists of me, Nick and Belle.  The stage of hope, followed by failure and disappointment, continuously circling around me month after month after month after month.  How can one escape this despair without feeling depressed? 

I know that everyone deals with life's circumstances and situations differently.  And, I guess I'm just not someone who will sail through these stages of grief checking them each off as I go (and I know that's ok).  All of these stages are sort of meshed into one big, fat, ugly stage for me.  I may leave one stage and then quickly fall back into another.  The truth is, I haven't accepted my infertility.  I haven't made it there yet.  And I'm not sure that I ever will.  But, I envy those who have.  Those who have found happiness again in their lives.  Who look forward to their future.  And who believe that their future holds the promise of a family for them.

I'm just not there... yet.

Another Beginning

As I get ready to embark upon my next cycle, my first-ever frozen embryo transfer cycle, I can't help but to feel... annoyed.  I told my husband this morning that I'm scared that I'll never get to be pregnant with my own child.  I mean think about that for a second.  Really, think about it.  How unfair, unjust and cruel is that?!  No one should have to hold that worry so close to their heart, every single day.  Anyway, I digress... I'm annoyed about starting this cycle.  I'm worried, scared and fearful, too.  But I'm also irritated.  I'm down.  I'm negative.  Yes, a miracle could happen.  But, with my past history, it probably won't - right? 

I'm a very lucky infertile who has been blessed with the opportunity to have gone through  a lot of cycles of treatments (how sick and twisted is that?!).  But that "luck" has never amounted to anything at all.  Well, except for a bruised bum, stomach and arm from injections and blood draws, a drowned soul, and a heart that's been sucker-punched seven times too many (three failed IUI's and four failed IVF's).  I have to ask myself:

Am I crazy???

Why am I doing this???

Some days I honestly don't know why I'm doing this to myself.  And some days I think I'm beyond crazy.  Just last night on our drive home, I told my husband that maybe we should go ahead and sign up for an information class about adoption (please don't think that I'm just lightly tossing this amazingly wonderful option out there.  Adoption weighs heavy on my heart.  And it's something that I consider a lot, but just have not yet chosen to share my feelings about it here on my blog).  And then just this morning I told him that if this FET fails, let's go straight to CCRM - Why wait?  I'm aaaaalllll over the place.  Seriously.  I go from idea to idea, from option to option... and yet, I always end right back here in the same place.  Getting ready for another cycle, right where we are.

So, maybe that's why I'm "crazy"... and why I'm doing this to myself.  Over and over, and over and over again.  Because I have options.  Because this is not the end of the road for me (God willing).  Because, even though I know that there is a very, very, very high chance that this FET won't work, there still is a chance. 

I think I'd really be crazy if I didn't hold onto that glimmer of hope...

...onto the chance that it could happen.

One Hundred!!

For my one hundredth (!!!) post, I wasn't sure what to write.  My blog is 99.9% centered around my infertility journey, but for this celebration (yes, your one hundredth post is most certainly cause for a celebration!), I thought that I would steal Sarah's "ABC's of Me" idea and post something more fun and up-lifting!

{A} Age:  Thirty

{B} Bed size:  Queen.  We're little :)  Though, since Belle takes up most of the room (seriously!), I would love to get a King sized bed in our next home!

{C} Chore you hate:  Walking Belle in the winter... Luckily I have a wonderful husband!

{D} Dogs:  Belle Elizabeth, my sweet, sweet  three and a half year old yorkipoo!

{E} Essential start to your day:  COFFEE (or a hot cup of tea)!!!  Caf or decaf is fine for me.  I just need that hot cup of joe to begin my day... everyday!

{F} Favorite color:  LELLOW!

{G} Gold or Silver:  Gold

{H} Height:  My license says 5'2'', but at my last physical, I only measured 5'1 and 1/14'' (so sad... I think I'm shrinking!)

{I} Instruments you play:  None.  I played the clarinet in middle school, though.  But I was bad!

{J} Job Title:  Account Manager

{K} Kids:  Hoping, praying, waiting and wishing all day every day...

{L} Live:  Massachusetts

{M} Married:  ...to my best friend and the love of my life.  Three years on February 6th. 

{N} Nicknames:  Aub, Aubbie, Aubs and Brey.

{O} Overnight hospital stays:  Never.  My brother used to call me calamity Jane though, so this is a bit surprising... 

{P} Pet peeve:  The noise of someone clipping their nails and slow drivers (yes, I'm officially a Masshole driver!).

{Q} Quote:  This is the quote that's currently on the chalkboard in our kitchen: Some days you just need to make your own sunshine.  I saw it written on a chalkboard at Starbucks the other day and liked it.  Now, if I could only live by it!

{R} Righty or Lefty:  Righty.

{S} Siblings:  Two.  Remember... I have a serious case of middle child syndrome!

{T} Time you wake up:  Alarm goes off at 5:45 a.m.

{U} University attended:  Merrimack College.  Go Warriors!

{V} Vegetables you dislike:  I pretty much like most veggies.  I'm way more of a veggie person than a fruit person!

{W} What makes you run late:  Hitting  the snooze  button (on average twice every morning)!

{X} X-Rays you've had:  I think just my teeth and elbow... Oh wait... and yes, my uterus and fallopian tubes during my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) a couple of years ago.

{Y} Yummy food:  I'm a chocoholic... Anything chocolate.  Plus most anything else that's not healthy for me!

{Z} Zoo animal favorite:  Monkey!!!  This kind:

Happy Blogging!

I'll probably be back to my ranting and raving re: infertility tomorrow.

Really?!?! (Yes, I'm stooping this low...)

Last night as my husband watched football, I snuggled into bed and eagerly waited for the season premiere of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami to start (I have many guilty pleasures and the  ridiculousness of the Kardashian reality shows is one of them!).  Anyway, the second episode that was on last night featured Kim's "infertility issues".  In fact, Kim even mentioned that her fertility specialist tested her levels and her eggs are old, similar to someone who is in their fifties.  This irked me and it still does!  My guess is that either her AMH or FSH levels are elevated, such as mine.  My doctor compared my FSH levels to someone in their forties, though... Am I crazy to think that just because Kim got pregnant, that maybe I will, too?!  I mean, after all, my eggs are about 10 years younger than hers!

I have the day off from work today and rather than watching the inauguration (such a bad citizen!), I opted for the Kourtney and Kim re-runs.  And watching the episodes again got me to googling, which lead me to this interview.  Doesn't it seem like Kim is using her "infertility" as a publicity stint?  How terrible?!  As if it doesn't sicken me enough already that she's pregnant!

So, now that I've stooped so low as to write an entire blog post on the Krazy Kardashian's, I'm off to watch more re-runs (I'll do my best to turn to the inauguration during commercials, though!).

We Make Plans & God Laughs

This weekend was a good one.  Somehow, I was able to make it through with smiles, laughter, love, and comfort.  My mom came to visit, and as always, we had a blast.  Being around my mom is so good for my soul. 

Yesterday we visited with a couple of my great Aunts (one of whom turned NINETY SEVEN (!!!) this past November) and one of them said over tea and Italian cookies "you know, we make plans and God laughs."  I couldn't help but to think just how true this is.  While of course it would be cruel of God to actually be laughing at my unfair and unjust encounter with infertility, the metaphor made me laugh.  And it made me really want to try to put this (this: my infertility, my heartache, my pain, my depression, my sadness, my fear, anxiety and worry) all in His hands.  Holding onto all of these feelings of despair is exhausting, toxic and painful.  But, it's all I know right now.  I haven't moved on to the point where I can just be happy, even though I'm not pregnant.  I'm not able to let go of my pain... not even some of it.  Because it's still so raw.  It's so much a part of me right now.  It's my life.  Infertility is my life.  All consuming.  But, I want to be there, though - the place where I can let go... at least to some of this.

And this weekend was a start.  Yes, my heart still ached and my mind still wandered to the dark side, a lot, but it was a start.  And I'm proud of myself for that.  I know that bad, bad, bad days are sure to be looming in the near distance... but, if I can have a couple of "good" days here and there, then that's progress.  It's proof that I'm moving forward.  I'm carrying on and I'm living life.  Even though my life is filled with sadness, I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

* Clam Chowder with Mom at Legal Seafood * Pretzel making * Visits with amazing great Aunts * Mom and me before dinner * Eggplant Ravioli in Boston's North End * Us at Galleria 33 * Sisters and Mom in the North End * Modern Pastry * YUMMM! *

Validation

Yesterday being Thursday, I spent my evening at a relaxing acupuncture appointment.  As I was waiting for my acupuncturist to call me back for my session, I noticed a RESOLVE New England newsletter on the coffee table.  While I admittedly don't know much about RESOLVE, I do know that they offer support groups for women dealing wtih infertility.  I know this because I actually have their local monthly meeting dates marked in my calendar (I was too much of a scaredy cat to go to the one at the beginning of this month... we'll see what February brings, I suppose).  Anyway, because I recognized the organization's name, I grabbed the newsletter and started to thumb through it... Here is what I found (I took a picture of this with my phone, so it may be difficult to read):



I know that I don't need to validate the crappy feelings that I so often have due to my journey with infertility, or the symptons of depression that sometimes pop up more than I'd like... but this made me feel... well, validated and somewhat reassured.  Reassured that what I'm feeling, is normal (normal at least for what I'm going through).

I couldn't have read this at a more perfect time (see yesterday's post).  While it's certainly still excruciatingly difficult to deal with the emotions brought upon by my infertility, I'm glad that I saw this last night.  After a really bad day, it's almost what I needed (well, this and all of YOUR supportive comments that blew me away yesterday!) to just be a little more okay with my feelings, especially the bad ones.

Just one of those (bad) days

Sometimes I seriously wonder how did this become my life? 

My life has literally been hijacked and over-taken by doctor's appointments, blood draws, vaginal ultrasounds, pill-popping, self-injecting, fear, worry, anxiety (well, I've always been anxious, but now even more so) and a good amount of depression on most days.

As selfish and self absorbed as this may sound, my life has literally been consumed by me.  My infertility.  My bad eggs.  My complete fear of not having a child of my own. 

Oh, and let's talk about social anxiety.  Because my social anxiety has reared it's ugly head in full-force.  I don't like being around people.  Period.  I want to hibernate in my house with my husband and not do anything.  I don't want to celebrate others' good fortunes.  Actually, as I just wrote that, I stopped and thought for a minute... and then I almost deleted that sentence because it's not 100% true.  It's not entirely true that I don't want to celebrate the good things in others' lives, it's more that I just can't.  And therefore, because I can't I guess I don't want to.

But it's not just about not wanting to or not being able to celebrate with others who seem to be the luckiest people in the world.  For me right now, it can be as simple as going out to eat, going to a workout class or even going to work.  Yes, partly because pregnancies are all around and of course that upsets me.  But my social anxiety is way beyond that - and for some reason I just can't put my finger on exactly why I don't want to be around... well, anyone.

Maybe it's because I somewhat feel let down by a lot of people.  Maybe I'm frustrated because I wish people would understand a little more.  Or, would even care a little more.  Not that others' understanding or empathy would get me my miracle baby anyway...

Maybe I feel like infertility defines me and can be seen and detected by even the strangest of strangers.

Whatever it is, I'd rather hide behind my computer and e-mail, message and feel comforted by my blog friends than be involved with (most of) my real life friends. 

For some reason today is just one of those days.  I'm exhausted.  Spent.  I don't want to google "multiple failed IVF's then success" or "success with first FET after multiple failed IVF's" all day anymore.  I don't want to think about this anymore.  But how can I possibly stop thinking about it?

All this being said, I know that I have a few close friends and family members who do just "get it" (well, as much as they can).  I know that I have my husband, who has been more of a companion to me during this time than I ever could have hoped - He's obviously been right by my side through it all and I'm grateful... for him. 

I know that I'm not alone, but sometimes, the loneliness of everything infertility related plagues me and my thoughts...

Again, it's just one of those days.  A bad day.