Infertility is hard. So much about it is hard. The emotions, the last minute changes to an IVF cycle, the waiting... oh the waiting is so hard, etc. etc. etc. And recently, I've realized something else that is difficult about infertility: life. Yes, life. Life happens as my infertility continues and that is hard. Not only do the lives of others continue (so often hurting me to my core when someone else's (second, third, etc.) pregnancy is announced), but my life is continuing as well. And to be perfectly honest, I haven't really been able to wrap my mind around this whole concept as of yet.
You see, in a way, because I'm dealing with infertility, I want my life to just stop. I want to hit pause... to go through my IVF cycles, eventually somehow get pregnant or become a mother and then hit play. I'd gladly resume my life then. The thing is though, we all know that's not how it goes. Life continues for everyone else and for us. Infertility, which is the biggest, most stressful and difficult thing in my life right now, is not my.life (even though most days I'd beg to differ on that statement). I'll be honest - - - I've certainly had a (big) hand in pushing things in my life away recently. And while I'm not yet ready to welcome some of the friends whom I've pushed away back into my life, or to respond 'yes' for upcoming baby showers or other social events, I know that I need to open my eyes a little and to try to (dare I say) enjoy what is happening in my life. Gulp. That's a huge undertaking. And I know I fail at this every single day. I don't find the simple joy or the happiness in my life anymore. I let my infertility overshadow it...
In fact, I let my infertility overshadow getting a pretty big promotion at work on Friday. After receiving the call with an offer, I bawled my eyes out about it while talking to my mom on the phone. I was, and am, so overwhelmed. How can I put 100% into a new position? My life is consumed by my infertility. I will probably (fingers crossed everything goes as planned) be in Denver for a week to ten days or so in July and I'm completely petrified that the training for my new role will overlap with my retrieval. I feel like my life is saying 'move over infertility' - and that scares me.
I'm also sad to admit that infertility overshadowed my time with my family this weekend. My mom, sister, my sister's boyfriend and I flew to Washington DC and spent the weekend with my Nana, Aunt, Uncle and cousins, who basically were like siblings to me growing up. Don't get me wrong - I had a wonderful time (it's quite impossible not to have a wonderful time when we're all together), but my infertility is always there. It's always on my mind and in my heart. I don't want my infertility to overshadow times of joy and happiness like these. But, I just don't really know how to keep it at bay. I don't feel strong enough to push it away or to truly find joy and happiness in the other parts of my life. At this point, I just don't think it's even possible...
While infertility certainly isn't my.life, it's definitely always there. I know I need to make an effort to learn how to *live* while struggling through the heartaches of infertility... I suppose it's something that will come, in good (or bad... we're talking about infertility, here. Nothing about it is 'good'!) time. In the meantime, I'm awaiting my cycle to begin with CCRM and hopefully, with God's grace and goodness, I won't need to figure any of this out...
Veteran's Day
3 weeks ago
21 comments:
I know it's hard to "enjoy" (or sometimes even tolerate) life when it feels like such a big piece of your heart is missing, but I'm proud of you for making the effort! And congrats on that promotion! :)
This is definitely one of the hardest parts of IF. Trying to salvage joy out of the pieces that are left. Ugh. BUT- congrats on your promotion!! Maybe that indicates that despite your heart not being in it, you're still doing a great job at work...and that's gotta be comforting. I'll be praying that the details of your training and IVF w/ CCRM work out!!
I've been following your blog for awhile. Love it :-) I can completely relate to how you feel about wanting life to stand still while waiting to get off the infertility rollercoaster. I felt that same way. It's so hard! For years, like you, I would have "okay" days and "bad" days and when I think back I don't know how I made it through some of those "bad" ones. You are a strong women. You will get through this. One day at a time. Heck, sometimes it's one hour at a time. I have faith that you will have a beautiful baby in your arms next year. I've heard nothing but great things about CCRM. Praying hard for you!
It is extremely hard to keep living your life while dealing with the practicalities of treatment for IF not to mention the emotions of it. We did five IVF cycles but we did pride ourselves on trying very hard to keep on living...it was kind of like we used that old phrase "the best revenge is living well" as our 'revenge' on IF. Not to say that it wasn't HARD...I had plenty of bawl my eyes out on the couch days. But we realized that time simply wasn't stopping, and IF treatments--particularly out of state cycles--are time consuming. I wish I knew the answer for you--but I do think it's right to try to just keep on living because it isn't a dressed rehearsal. I'm rambling here, but I just want you to know that it is possible to keep on living, and it's worth the effort to try :) Wishing you lots of luck at CCRM!
I understand exactly how you feel! Infertility causes this big, dark, and ugly cloud to take over the area right above you. It's so hard to be happy and see the sun shining down on you with that stupid thing always there. I also agree with the whole pausing life, I fell like we are always being left behind by everyone we know these days. I really hope that things go well at CCRM! I want to see you guys finally have you dream come true!!
Btw...CONGRATS on the promotion!!! I know there are so many things going on right now in your life, but that is such a great accomplishment. Be sure to do something fun just the 2 of you to celebrate, because honestly, infertility isn't all that you are, and YOU ROCK!! :)
XOXO
I know how you feel we went through 10 years of IUI's, IVF, donor embryo IVF and multiple prenancy losses before we adopted our precious baby boy. I wish I could tell you it goes away after you become a Mom but it doesnt. Try not to let it consume you just know it will happen just in Gods plan not yours! Enjoy your husband and family because your time and schedule will be all about your kids for the first years so enjoy as much time with your husband now. Best with everything at CCRM!
Wanting to press pause and feeling like life is going on without me is one of most overwhelming feelings I'm facing during this whole thing. I hear you on that!
It's tough. It's so hard to ever feel completely happy in moments I would have before. Fun family wedding? Hurray, awesome, fun times! Oh wait... there's my pregnant cousin. Weekend barbeque with friends? Yay, tons of laughs! Oh wait... there's my pregnant friend, and my husband & I are two of the only four people here who are childless. Ugh. It's really inescapable. But I think the best we can do is keep trying. Do what we enjoy, get sad when we get sad, and then blog about it later ;)
Congrats on the promotion!!!
Agh! How this sounds so familiar. God only knows how many great opportunities I let go of bc of IF. It's already stressful as it is dont need more stress figuring out if schedule conflict ion will happen. Hang in there girly, things always have a way to sort themselves out. Congratulations on the promotion! Hope this is a start of goodluck coming ur way.
I totally get it. I have been having emotional breakdowns this week on and off...was just crying again today to my husband about the same thing, except I don't even have a job, which makes it hard in a different way, even though I relate to all of what you said. I'm glad you got away for the weekend, because Lord knows it's almost impossible to plan travel when you are wrapped up with infertility treatments. Hang in there girlie. I know it is SO SO HARD and that it never leaves you. Be grateful for the promotion and give yourself a pat on the back for earning it. The timing of your cycle and the new position will work itself out. They aren't going to demote you back down because you have medical treatment you need to tend to. The position will still be there for you, and you will make it work. You are stronger than you think! Congratulations to you! Think of it this way...You have a lot to look forward to this coming month! All the things coming your way are GOOD things!
Thanks for sharing your heart. It is such a hard balance, for sure! I wish it weren't that way and the on/off button was an option!! Congrats on the promotion, that is something to celebrate!
I REALLY hear ya on this one. Thanks for putting words to my thoughts.
Yep. You said everything I feel. I'd love a giant pause button on my life.
Girl, I relate to so much of this. It is SO hard. I am doing okay right now. BUT there have been times of serious heartache, tears, grieving, anger, etc. And no matter how positive my outlook, I still get that punch in my gut feeling when i hear ANOTHER pregnancy announcement! The only ones NOT really hard for me to take are the ones from friends of mine who also dealt with infertility. Those give me hope. But the others - the ones who got married 5 minutes ago, the ones on Baby #4 - those are painful.
Infertility is always with me. And if for some reason, i forget about it for five minutes SOMEONE reminds me because ... it's everywhere. And i think that's part of what makes it so hard.
Congrats on your promotion. I pray that God helps you to give that job your best - that maybe it will help you to be focused on that while you're awaiting results, and, well, A BABY. (Or two.) ;)
Praying for you, girl!
I had to make a really, super concerted effort to start enjoying my life again after last year's disappointments. Something that helped me was to decide to do things that we wanted to do and just go ahead and do them, without worrying about timing of cycles and money and all that. If we had to wait a month for a new cycle to take a vacation that we've been talking about for a long time, so be it. It actually really helps when because when you go back into a new cycle, you've had some down time and you're more refreshed and ready to deal with it. Not to say that I'm totally over getting down and depressed (I wish!) but it's helped a bit. I really hope you can find a way to start enjoying life again.
I felt like this after my 2nd IVF failed. I pretty much withdrew from life for a while. Then we decided one day to take advantage of our childless days while we could (since my husband was so confident it would eventually work) so we made an effort to do things we could only do, or would enjoy more, without kids. It helped. I wish we could have done more, like travel to some crazy destination but we did still have more IVF to pay for so that wasn't happening. I hope you can find a way to enjoy some things, as well. And congrats on the promotion!!!
Oh girl, do I ever hear you! This is exactly why I had to throw in the towel on fertility treatments. I just didn't feel like I could go on living my life as a happy woman when I was constantly preparing for a cycle or grieving a failed cycle.
I admire your strength to keep fighting. I wish I had some advice that would make you feel better, but all I can say is that I think it is healthy that you recognize your emotions. It is important to allow yourself to really feel your emotions in order to be able to work through them. It's unhealthy to just try to push everything down.
We spend SO MUCH TIME thinking about infertility, I wish there was a way to keep our minds occupied with other things to give us a break! You are such a strong woman and this is a hard battle to fight. I hope you get your miracle baby soon :)
I'm so glad you blog about these difficult, often impossible feelings we all have. I hope, with practice, we can get better at living despite infertility. Hoping your cycle at CCRM comes quickly! Congrats on your promotion!
This is one tough thing about IF, one of the many, but a BIG one. Life is happening and we HAVE to remind ourselves that there are other important things in life other than children. Family, husband, friends, they are all very important. I was very unfortunate to lose my dad in our first couple of years of IF, that was the hardest thing I ever went through, he had been my rock through out my whole life, but his passing reminded me of how temporary everything is and how we don't have unlimited time with our loved ones. I made a promise to myself to make every day count. Then my mom passed away 3 years later, and I'm happy to say I had taken advantage of that time we had, even though I was going through IVF.
It is hard to appreciate what you have when your desire and focus is somewhere else, it is very hard. But you are aware that you have to live and that you have to make the effort. It's OK to fail at it, but keep trying. Life is about a lot of things, not just children. For our own mental sanity and true happiness we have to learn that.
Congratulations on that amazing promotion. Enjoy your triumphs, you deserve it.
All of this is so exhausting that it's no wonder that the rest of life seems overwhelming... And I have to say, I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with declining baby showers, so I wouldn't feel bad about that. I just feel like a good friend would understand that that is too much right now. Congrats on your promotion; will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
You put the complicated feelings of infertility so well. Good luck with your promotion! I'll be KMFX that you can get off this crazy train of infertility soon. :)
Congrats on your promotion. I understand how difficult it can be to take on a new position when you have something so important coming up, but I have faith all that will work itself out. I also understand wanting to hit the pause button, but as I sit here at 38 years old still with no kids, I can honestly look back and be grateful for so many things in my life the past 14 years. I wish things had turned out differently, but I'm so grateful for what I do have, and the people that are in my life. You are a strong woman and you WILL be a mother. I am praying your experience with CCRM will prove that. Hang in there!
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